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3rd Bard's Story

by Torpid


Ok, i have rewrotten this whole 3rd section (if anybody even remembers the first two)so if u like it tell me and i might continue the story.

Also, i dont know how to introduce Thavyr into the story if you care to help me with that.

The assassin entered a small tavern minutes later, dressed in comfortable black cloth, his cat suit and weapons stored in a back pack slung over his shoulders. . It was a poor, nearly vacant tavern, and in need of many repairs. There was a small, gray haired man at the bar, intent upon his aged leather bound book. Apart from he there were two other figures, one dressed in a dark blue jacket seated in the corner and the other leaning on a table across from the fire.

The man by the fire was the largest man Banzai had ever seen, a barbarian with a long tangled mane of dark brown hair, topping out his height at a near eight-feet. Clad in an animal hide cloak and dark leathers, he carried only a small pack (small by his standards that is) and an overly large double headed axe. Looped into his belt was a smaller but still quite heavy throwing axe with which he was dead accurate. His name was Mal-Havoc and he was the only friend Banzai Shimtoto had ever had, wanted, or needed.

The man seated in the corner of the room looked up at Banzai immediately and, after receiving a nod from the assassin, quickly shuffled out of the tavern into the cold white streets. Havoc grabbed his things and strode over to the door, pulled up the hood of his cloak and exited with his companion. The two mounted their horses at the stables, and rode off down the silent street. When they had reached the city gates, a young man emerged from the gatehouse, armored in aged ring mail and carrying a second hand spear. A sword lay at his side. He looked uncertain as he gazed up at he mounted barbarian, “Is there something you need?” he asked sheepishly. Banzai answered, “We wish to be getting on, if you could open the gates.” The young guard hurried over to the thick wooden doors and lifted the bolt locks upon it. The two men galloped away from the city, their business finished.

An hour or so later (very late at night it was) they made camp and a fire under the frosted canopy of the woodlands.


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Wed Feb 01, 2006 2:44 pm
Torpid says...



Thanx all, im at skool, ill post the next when i can
~Torpid

Ive made plans for this story, when i get time the next will come. Thanx for being patient.




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Sun Jan 29, 2006 10:42 am
Dynasty cow says...



i liked this , it didnt have lots of synamontrates displayed in a cordinated and organised style but what you gona do , keep writing




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Sat Jan 28, 2006 12:50 am
Ego wrote a review...



Your description of Havoc was AWESOME, Torpid. I got a great feel for what he looked like from it.

I really like this so far. I didn't notice any thing I would change grammatically or spelling-wise, and I don't make stylistic critiques. It reads nice and smooth, and doesn't get cluttered at all, which is great. I hate stories that are cluttered by unnecesary descriptions of wood grain and stuff, lol.

Good stuff. I'll have to go back and find the other two installations. Why is it a Bard's Story thogh, if he's an assassin?

--Dono




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Sat Jan 21, 2006 10:32 pm
Sleeping Valor wrote a review...



You shouldn't replace the original with a changed version, if you do people like me don't get to see how the story has changed T_T.
Sounds interesting. I liked the fact there was more detail in this one, though a bit more action would have been nice (along with some background exploration).
One major complaint: There isn't enough of it. I reserve any critical comments until I have seen more and the plot has advanced farther. But so far it's looking good Torpid. ^_^




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Sat Jan 21, 2006 9:47 pm
Torpid says...



Ok, it's all rewrotten so none of the above posts apply, please gimme ure thoughts.




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Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:16 am
ladydark says...



whatever, and if ye m ean just to kid, say so instead of just "lol" 'cause that can be mis-interupted in many ways, if you mean to joke, say so instead of just making it seem like you mean something else




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Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:45 am
Jiggity says...



Ladydark wrote:....... remind me never to look at your work then, am simply trying to help, but obviously if I have over-done, then tell me not make fun of me thank you kindly

I was just kidding. Hence the "lol" at the end of my previous post. plz dont take it personally.
Everyone appreciates or should appreciate the critique of others.

p.s- Luv that sig, mind if i steal it and put it on a diiferent forum??




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 11:41 pm
ladydark says...



v.v''




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 11:20 pm
Torpid says...



Torpid wrote:Readers, you should know that this was somewhat rushed and i made it quick. I will most likely come back and rewrite it but i really wanted to see what i would create for the next part, so i wrote a little. This introduces the 3rd character, a warrior... since we already have a thief and assassin.


...I think u might have overdone just a wee lil bit...

:lol: Er, i meant, thank you all for the wonderful constructive critisicvim (yea i know i spelled that wrong) and i hope you all come back and read the 4th part which will have more of Mal-Havoc in it...
Toodles,
~Torpid




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:15 pm
Just Imagine wrote a review...



mosts to most

Then, in loose black clothing, the assassin stepped inside. I don't know assassins like wearing loose clothings.

Else then, it is beautiful, kinda. I like readings fantasy stories and all of the stories in Young Writers Society seems to attract me... As long as they are in fantasy fiction section.

Why is it pg-13? Is it because you mention "assassin"?




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 11:24 am
ladydark says...



....... remind me never to look at your work then, am simply trying to help, but obviously if I have over-done, then tell me not make fun of me thank you kindly




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 4:51 am
Jiggity says...



Geez, why dont you just re-write the whole damn thing! lol.




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 2:06 am
ladydark says...



>.>




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Thu Jan 05, 2006 1:13 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



the fire roaring off to the left and exotic aromas floating about heavily in the stale air


that should be: the fire roaring off to the left and exotic aromas floated about heavily in the stale air.

The gianter man won the contest


This could be either: The giant man won the contest or The bigger man won the contest

Apart from that not much to say.
Keep on trucking.




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Wed Jan 04, 2006 11:00 pm
Torpid says...



ok there it is, totally different than what it was





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— Maurice Sendak