Published January 4, 2006
Ok, i have rewrotten this whole 3rd section (if anybody even remembers the first two)so if u like it tell me and i might continue the story.
Also, i dont know how to introduce Thavyr into the story if you care to help me with that.
The assassin entered a small tavern minutes later, dressed in comfortable black cloth, his cat suit and weapons stored in a back pack slung over his shoulders. . It was a poor, nearly vacant tavern, and in need of many repairs. There was a small, gray haired man at the bar, intent upon his aged leather bound book. Apart from he there were two other figures, one dressed in a dark blue jacket seated in the corner and the other leaning on a table across from the fire.
The man by the fire was the largest man Banzai had ever seen, a barbarian with a long tangled mane of dark brown hair, topping out his height at a near eight-feet. Clad in an animal hide cloak and dark leathers, he carried only a small pack (small by his standards that is) and an overly large double headed axe. Looped into his belt was a smaller but still quite heavy throwing axe with which he was dead accurate. His name was Mal-Havoc and he was the only friend Banzai Shimtoto had ever had, wanted, or needed.
The man seated in the corner of the room looked up at Banzai immediately and, after receiving a nod from the assassin, quickly shuffled out of the tavern into the cold white streets. Havoc grabbed his things and strode over to the door, pulled up the hood of his cloak and exited with his companion. The two mounted their horses at the stables, and rode off down the silent street. When they had reached the city gates, a young man emerged from the gatehouse, armored in aged ring mail and carrying a second hand spear. A sword lay at his side. He looked uncertain as he gazed up at he mounted barbarian, “Is there something you need?” he asked sheepishly. Banzai answered, “We wish to be getting on, if you could open the gates.” The young guard hurried over to the thick wooden doors and lifted the bolt locks upon it. The two men galloped away from the city, their business finished.
An hour or so later (very late at night it was) they made camp and a fire under the frosted canopy of the woodlands.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Thanx all, im at skool, ill post the next when i can
~Torpid
Ive made plans for this story, when i get time the next will come. Thanx for being patient.
i liked this , it didnt have lots of synamontrates displayed in a cordinated and organised style but what you gona do , keep writing
Your description of Havoc was AWESOME, Torpid. I got a great feel for what he looked like from it.
I really like this so far. I didn't notice any thing I would change grammatically or spelling-wise, and I don't make stylistic critiques. It reads nice and smooth, and doesn't get cluttered at all, which is great. I hate stories that are cluttered by unnecesary descriptions of wood grain and stuff, lol.
Good stuff. I'll have to go back and find the other two installations. Why is it a Bard's Story thogh, if he's an assassin?
--Dono
You shouldn't replace the original with a changed version, if you do people like me don't get to see how the story has changed T_T.
Sounds interesting. I liked the fact there was more detail in this one, though a bit more action would have been nice (along with some background exploration).
One major complaint: There isn't enough of it. I reserve any critical comments until I have seen more and the plot has advanced farther. But so far it's looking good Torpid. ^_^
Ok, it's all rewrotten so none of the above posts apply, please gimme ure thoughts.
whatever, and if ye m ean just to kid, say so instead of just "lol" 'cause that can be mis-interupted in many ways, if you mean to joke, say so instead of just making it seem like you mean something else
Ladydark wrote:....... remind me never to look at your work then, am simply trying to help, but obviously if I have over-done, then tell me not make fun of me thank you kindly
I was just kidding. Hence the "lol" at the end of my previous post. plz dont take it personally.
Everyone appreciates or should appreciate the critique of others.
p.s- Luv that sig, mind if i steal it and put it on a diiferent forum??
v.v''
...I think u might have overdone just a wee lil bit...
Toodles,
~Torpid
mosts to most
Then, in loose black clothing, the assassin stepped inside. I don't know assassins like wearing loose clothings.
Else then, it is beautiful, kinda. I like readings fantasy stories and all of the stories in Young Writers Society seems to attract me... As long as they are in fantasy fiction section.
Why is it pg-13? Is it because you mention "assassin"?
....... remind me never to look at your work then, am simply trying to help, but obviously if I have over-done, then tell me not make fun of me thank you kindly
Geez, why dont you just re-write the whole damn thing! lol.
>.>
that should be: the fire roaring off to the left and exotic aromas floated about heavily in the stale air.
This could be either: The giant man won the contest or The bigger man won the contest
Apart from that not much to say.
Keep on trucking.
ok there it is, totally different than what it was