Innocence-Tori
i could try to make our lives sound interesting, but in a way that would be lying. People wouldn't believe this truth that im telling and so that's the only reason why i can tell it. Even the characters mentioned don't know that this is their destany, its what will be. They might not remember my sad little description as thier worlds begin to form, but they will remember one thing. They were warned.
Shame-Tori
There were secrets. Things that are not uncommon between friends. But one secret stood out bigger than the rest, everyday straining to be free, but it had to be held inside until the right time. Each of the followin kept thiers hidden, waiting patiently for thier time to tell. No last names shall be distributed, for that could ruin them forever, but thier first names are: India, Katie, Deanna, Kylie, Bailey, and Kaitlyn. Carefulness, expectancy of the worst is the only thing keeping me going so i can record this, the moment where the secret is revealed. The moment where it began so long ago.
Fright-Tori
The wind was not at all calm this night. I had run to my room, angry with my parents. The wind was every where when i opened my door, blowing through the crack in my window, to breathe it's icy breath upon my cheek. I could feel it in the space around me crowding me, making my skin cold. The window covering had fallen off, and i quickly sealed it, banishing the wind back to it's outside home. As i sat there and listend to the world, i heard a single breathy symbol come from across the room.
"You," it croaked and i turned, half expecting a zombie to be staring out at me from the dark shadows of my room. But all i saw was emptyness. I calmed myself down, telling myself this was usual for me. It still creeped me out, after three years. I climbed into my bed, pulling the covers up to my chin, squeezing my eyes shut tight. Even as i burrowed deeper into my blankets, a cool carressing hand brushed across my cheek, forcing my eyes to fling open, searching frantically around my depressingly gloomy bedroom. Again i saw nothing. i sat frozen for a few moments before letting myself turn over and be completly immersed in warmth. I feel asleep very unwillingly, but by morning the memory of the event that set the ball rolling was nothing but a distant thought.
This is my intro. There is more to come... the war has just begun.
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yeah srry that last kayay123 post was actually me...
yes i understand where your coming from hippie, but the above author is correct. im not done, and that was the intro, made to be vauge, and the characters do start in said situation, i just didn't post them yet.
Btw way for those who dont know and im sure the author might add something, but this is the beginning of sorta a short chapter book that doesnt really have much of a plot but more reveals what each of us appear like deep down inside us, ive read the whole thing and trust me, waiting for the next part is worthwhile because the author really knows how to describe people well and draw the audience in, she talks about 7 different people and how their struggles in life go, while you may not fully comprehend the struggles the meaning behind them is quite clear
I see you're going for a suspenseful beggining. The premise is good, but it comes unstuck in a number of ways.
Firstly, breaking the fourth wall. If you don't know, that's a fancy term for when the character speaks to the audience, if you catch my drift. For example:
See, you're not saying what's going on, you're talking the reader through an introduction. Speaking to the reader, as if telling a story. You don't want to tell a story, you want to show it. Things like this put the reader at a distance. It's as if the story is being filtered through a narator, rather than letting the reader see it for themselves.
Secondly, suspense is all about pacing. Your paragraphs all seem to be about the same length. You did vary the sentence lengths, but I think you could do it more.
Thirdly, I don't have much of an idea of what this is about. You want to raise some questions in a beggining, but not leve the reader lost. In the Shame-Tori passage you list some characters and mention secrets, but frankly, who cares. People only want to know secrets and gossip about people they know or know about at least.
It appears as though you're trying to foreshadow in a vague manner what situation the characters will be in, or were in (foreshadowing or flashback? I don't know). Why not just start with them in said situation.
There were other obvious errors that a simple spell check would have fixed. Capitalize I for example.
The main issue with this piece is it's too airy fairy and not solid and gritty. I don't even know what came into her room at the end. Was it another person? Was it a ghost? A dream? A personification of the wind? Concrete details.
I don't mean to take the wind out of your sails so to speak. There was some nice description too, such as the wind, and the secretiveness is almost good; just a bit overdone.
I see you're new here, and I know a common mistake for new writers is to write vaguely, as if trying to capture the feelings at the expense of the story because it's more poetic. Unfortunately, people don't buy novels to read poetry, they buy them to read a story not shrouded in frills and abstract feelings.
And I'm a cutting reviewer I know, so don't take it to heart.