Hallå!
This is certainly an intriguing premise you've got here. A cocaine dealer from outer space—now I've heard of everything.
The piece itself is a bit rough around the edges, but it's also sharp and weird (in a good way), and I get the sense you have a really good understanding of your characters—which is, of course, extremely important. There's some strong imagery. The chapter (or episode, I guess?) progresses at a nice clip. Of course there is room for improvement, but the story has good bones and I think you can do something cool with it.
But back to that "room for improvement" bit. One of my main issues with this is that you tell the reader a lot of information, in a short span of time, and you don't really "show" that much. This is very exposition-heavy, which is okay, but it would've been nice if you'd maybe taken the time to subtly layer in all these details rather than presenting them in such a blunt and overtly explanatory way.
I don't know how familiar you are with the concept of exposition—it's one of those words that's a bit nebulous, and I know some youngish writers aren't terribly familiar with what it means, or how to do it the "right" way. Assuming you're not super knowledgable about it (and, if you are, feel free to ignore this), there's basically two main ways to do exposition. The first would be colloquially referred to as an info dump, wherein a character basically just explains a bunch of key things about themselves in a rapid-fire manner. Here's an example of what that would look like:
Pretty clunky, right?
And then there's good exposition: nuanced, carefully-sprinkled information about a character and a story that is as covert as possible. Here's what that would look like:
So, in this example, we have all of the same basic information from the previous example—main character named Mary, from Nevada, loves working at her mom's pet store, favorite thing to do is feed the fish—and it's all quickly established, but it's done so in a way that feels natural. Mary isn't shouting information at the reader, she's just taking you through her day and letting you see it.
In your case, I'd say the exposition of this piece falls somewhere in between the two examples. It's not quite as annoying as the first example, nor as stealthy as the second. It's layered in a bit, but it's also not presented as a natural part of the proceedings—rather, the main characters just sort of say it. Sometimes it's okay for the main characters to reveal key pieces of info in their narration, but don't overdo it. Trust the reader to keep up with the story. You don't have to explain everything right away—let it happen naturally. Let them have questions.
It also goes back to what ChristianL said before me, about threading in the physical description of your characters organically rather than having them look in the mirror and describe their selves. ChristianL's alternative suggestion of how to sneak in character descriptions is a much better option, and the same can be said for a lot of the info revealed in this chapter: from the coke dealing to the coke-doing to the sisters' relationship with each other... basically all of it. You can establish those details through dialogue and subtle interactions between characters, not just through plainly narrating it or having a character say it aloud to their self for no clear reason.
Another big problem with this chapter is your issue with run-on sentences. You have to watch out for that. Don't be afraid to break up your sentences when they start to sound ramble-y. And don't abuse commas—they're great and everything, but they are not meant as replacements for periods, dashes, colons and semicolons. Keep that in mind.
Anyway, onto some more specific issues:
"Logically I should sell in bulk."
Do you ever say this sort of thing aloud to yourself? I don't.
I run a hand through my hair, trying to think of the easiest solution, and running the numbers.
"Run" is repetitive.
"I don't get any more cocaine until I can sell three ounces of high purity rerock."
This is what I'm talking about, right here. Obvious exposition is obvious. I am 95% certain that no actual cocaine dealer would ever randomly say this sort of thing aloud to their self. There has to be a more subtle, realistic way for you to establish this information.
I've had a great education: I graduated high school two years early with some college credits, to which I went to college for four years and became an herbalist.
Well, isn't that special? Seriously though, it really isn't necessary to be so wordy and detailed. Maybe try, "I've had a great education: I graduated high school early, got my bachelor's degree and became an herbalist right out of college." Or don't say anything at all and wait for an opportunity to organically mention that—like during a later conversation between some characters about their education.
I have a little sister, "Malia",
The sister's name doesn't need to be in quotes, unless the narrator is being sarcastic or using a code name or something.
She sleeps in the greenhouse out back of the shop, I usually prop up a cot next to her and stare at the stars through the clear ceiling, that’s almost our only bonding period.
Run-on sentence. Break this up a bit.
"Croatian" sign in front of my shop is a signal that we have cocaine, a simple one at that.
That "a simple one at that" line sounds clunky.
Rather than I find my customers, they find me
This is worded really badly. Maybe try: "I don't have to scour for customers: they find me."
I say as I roll up a dollar bill and put the powder in a line with a card and shoot it through my nose.
This is another pretty long sentence. I'm not going to quote all the excessively lengthy sentences in this piece—frankly, if I did, we'd be here all day—but there's a lot. Thankfully, they're easy to fix. Just need a good edit, that's all.
Okay, so, overall, I like where you're going with this and I think the premise is really neat. It needs a bit of work, but almost every story does, so don't sweat it. If you work on those run-on sentences and trying to be a bit more stealthy with your exposition, you'll have a pretty awesome story on your hands. Nice work!
Write on~
Jezebel
Points: 1100
Reviews: 8
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