"Say good bye senorita." Boom. A gunshot goes off as Mike shoots Agent Skillet in the head. Some may think Mike has gone rogue but really he's just standing up for what he knows to be true.That the GPOA has changed and aren't what they used to be.The Good People Of America used to unite all good people. Until they started craving power and went searching for justice. Now they're just power crazy. Most people who know about them, (that aren't sucked into their evil plan) call them the BPOA (Bad People Of America).
Mike used to be apart of the GPOA.That is until he realized their true goal, world domination.Which isn't very cool. I mean the world would be full of Lame Dogs if everyone was controlled by someone.To only be able to think one way and everyone was similar.That didn't sound like fun to Mike.
Mike was clearly an individual. He had got the nick name "Magic Mike" by his moves on the... Dance floor.All that would be gone if the BPOA.Their number one rule (besides destroying all things fun and making sure Mike had a horrible life) was no Dancing.Apparently it was a dirty vile thing. But that wasn't true i mean sure a lot of people would be Dirty Dancing. (It was even one of his favorite movies!) But that was only because it was so much fun.And things change. It's not like it would last forever. Soon though he'd have to say good bye. Unless he could put a stop to the GPOA.
"Wilson!" Mike's voice called over a walkie talkie.
"Yes MM." Wilison's voice replied faster than Mike could finish his name.Wilson was like a puppy dog.A little to willing to do what ever Mike commanded.
"Can you please come pick me up, you're late!"
"Oh sorry MM." Wilson says while pulling up in an average car. No need to be too fancy. Just a regular ole Camero.
Mike dances into the car and pushesWilson out of the drivers seat.All the while doing a little jig until he settles down into his seat. Wilson barks out in response.
"Hey thats animal abuse! Plus you never know when someone will be watching. No need to get flogged." He says with a low bark.
Mike almost laughs out in response.Wilson always reminded him of the pug in Men In Black. Except Wilson wasn't a pug. He was PugADoo. "It's so hard to take you seriously with that face. I remember the good old days when dogs didn't have to help. Just people. Everything was so sane then."
"We're your secret weapon though. But just think, when things do get back to normal you'll be retired and so will I.We can settle down.Then its good bye." "You'll come see my shows though? You know I'll be dancing on broadway."
"Hey look MM! Isn't that a little suspicious?" Wilson points at the factory that seemed to be abandoned except for the fact that a dark car just pulled into the lot.The same cars that all BPOA drive.
"Wilson i think we've found the head quarters. Shall we go tell them good bye. For good?"
Hi, Reader!
A late welcome to YWS! :3 I hope you like it so far.
When I first read the story, I was rather confused. I re-read it and it made sense. I think a bit more description, detail can be added to clear things up. It seemed like prologue-like-excerpt to me and judging from the title, I'm guessing there's a sequel to this.
Firstly, I think reducing the number of brackets would be good. Use sentences, paragraphs and conversations to weave explanations to your story. Show, not tell. Using brackets just makes it seem bland and straightforward with not much creativity in it.
Secondly, there are a few punctuation mistakes which you can find if you proof read.
There should be a comma between bye and senorita~
Also this sentence stood out:
The rest of the piece was in third person and bam! this sentence in first person. I don't know much about this stuff but it seemed out of place to me.
The dog assistant idea was pretty cool and I haven't heard of it before~ Don't worry and keep writing!
Angel
I enjoyed the read. I think you have a lot of room to expand on this, even though the idea is sometimes over-done. I think this gives you the chance to make it really original by adding your own twist. I strongly encourage you to expand on this and continue your idea. I look forward to reading more of you work, and I really did enjoy this piece. Keep up the good work, and as always, good luck to you and your writing.
This story has nice vibe in it. This one did sound like a cliche. A hardcore stupid agent and a soft clever assitant. You could have used more description. To be true yoor abbrivation for GPOA and BPOA didn't really do any wonders. You should definitely avoid using too much of brackets.Other then that, this is a very good piece. You can be hilarious if you avoid these things. keep up your good work. And good luck. Will be waiting for your next creations.
Thanks! Yea, I was sorta going for a dorky cliche piece here. I didn't realize the whole points system. Otherwise I'd of probs left it in the closet. Really appreciate the feedback! Maybe K can actually salvage it