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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hi Toothpick and welcome to YWS! I feel like this is supposed to be a spoken piece, so I tried reading it out loud. It works in some places, but in others the rhythm is way off. Read it out loud and see if you can fix the awkward spots. Having a rhyme scheme does not guarantee a solid rhythm.
Now, there's some good ideas in here, but I feel like they're all jumbled up at the moment. I think this piece could be stronger if you give us concrete images of the story. What did this man do to charm the speaker? How has he treated her before vs. how he treats her now? What does he say vs. what he actually does? Showing us all this rather than telling us will leave a greater impression on the reader.
I quoted these lines because they are a) excessively long, and b) just plain confusing. If he's not envious, why is he trying to bust out with envy? Are people on their knees usually filled with pride? Why would a character engage with someone he doesn't have compassion for? I'd rework these lines by getting to the core of what you actually want to say and then trying to flesh it out with word play, metaphors, etc. This might be difficult to do in the current rhyme scheme, so don't be afraid to try free verse if that's where your thoughts take you.
This might be my favorite line, but it doesn't really fit with the rest of the piece. This seems like a line you could build the story around. Do his eyes change as the story progresses? Or are they a constant reminder of what drew them together in the first place? What are these eyes like (avoiding blah descriptions like "crystal blue")?
Overall, there seems to be a cool story here, but it's hidden in poor rhythm, tired phrases (e.g. smiles turned into frowns), and confusing lines. I think showing us concrete images would make it much more interesting. Keep writing!
thank i didnt know i had people reading it i havent been on here in a while..but yea it was some highschool thing didnt really put a lot of effort into it..but my next i think you would really like
Ok, so what I see here is a sort of beat poem. It sounds very lyrical, song-like. You do a good job in that sense.
-However, what those beat poems do best is experiment with words and take a sort of social stand. This is sort of angsty and really just complains about someone, but we don't exactly see the injustice, we're just kind of told about it and we're supposed to take it on faith.
-The rhythm: the rhymes are what they are and they aren't bad. But I would kind of like to go back to that point I made before about experimentation. Beat poets distort words into phrases we've never heard before. That's why it seems to fresh and new. And they really do try to take on an issue that will educate. I suggest you try to incorporate these ideas into the poem.
-You've got the talent to work with words, I think you just need to find the right words and the right topic. Maybe cut back on the frustrated lover stuff. And if you must, then I suggest a little more specificity and not these vague statements about how the other person didn't know the narrator well enough. It's not exactly the love story of all love stories.
This poem truly has potential. A ton of potential. But the first line threw me off right away. I did not understand the meaning. Maybe a typo?
And I wasn't a fan of the word "tryna" but hey--maybe it adds personalization and voice.
The word "basically" in line 9 comes across as juvenile.
It really seems like this whole thing is quite choppy.
I couldn't get into this. At all.
I must come across as such a mean person, right? I'm new to this site and I wanted to review other writers' work. Your poem title seemed so interesting. I truly was prepared to read an astonishing poem. You can never judge a book by it's cover. I guess you can't judge a poem by it's title. I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh. This was not intended. Just raw, honest truth.