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The Adventures of Jake and Isabelle (chapter 1)

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The Adventures of Jake and Isabelle

   Chapter 1 (revisited)

“Gather ‘round the fire children. Dingo is goin’ to tell us a story.” The nanny said.

The soft, sweet voice of Nanny Ann echoed through the stone great hall. The giddy children all ran over to where an old man sat. Dingo was his name. Between you and me, he found his real name too ordinary, not fitting his personality at all. Dingo fit him much better, so that is what he went by. His silver hair and smiling, sweet disposition told you everything you needed to know about him. He’d been around for a very long time and was the oldest man in the village. That being the case, he had a knack for fun and enjoyable story telling. The children adored him.

“Hush, hush now children!” Nanny Ann spoke up again. All the children in the kingdom just adored Dingo, some even calling him Grandpa D or some variation of nickname.

As the fire began roaring in its stone prison, Dingo crept his large rocking chair forward. “Okay children! You have your choice of adventures today. Before I suggest some, any requests?” He gestured opening his hands towards the little children knelt before him. How he loved them! Little did they know it, but he enjoyed their excitement for his stories as much as they enjoyed his telling of them. It was quite a sweet thing for a man of Dingo’s age to have in his late years of life.

A sweet little girl with a smile that could charm a lion spoke up in front, “Prencess Ishibull!” Her young age not quite giving her the quality of adult speech, but communicate, she sure did! All the girls in the audience giggled in giddy agreement. Princess Isabelle sure was a favorite among them.

One older boy piped up in defense, “But surely you would include Sir Jake in the story, wouldn’t you ‘D’?”

At the mention of Sir Jake, all the boys jeered and smiled. It appeared everyone would be satisfied by whichever adventure Dingo decided to take the children on.

Dingo rocked in his chair for a moment, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. The only sound heard was the roaring fire and the wood creaking under the old man. Clearly, he was thinking of which adventure would be best to tell. After two minutes of quiet reflection, Dingo snapped his eyes open and sat forward quickly with a broad grin on his face. “Oh kids! Have I got a story for you!” All the kids giggled, the anticipation of what was coming was too much for some of them to contain. Dingo had a way of radiating happiness to each of them. What a gift!

The story went on for hours. Oohs and ahs from boys and girls echoed around the stone hall. Later in the evening, as parents came to collect their children, they began listening to the story as well. Soon enough, nearly the whole town was in the grand hall listening to Dingo tell his wondrous adventure. Little did they know, though, that this story was not a fairytale after all! It was a history lesson. This is the story that Dingo told the townsfolk that warm evening, in our very own great hall.

Once upon a time, in this very land . . .

“Isabelle? Are you still in bed?” A woman in castle garb, knocked on the large wooden door. Her name was Berty. The sound echoed through the hallway, the very hall we sit in now, in fact!

Being annoyed and a rather impatient woman, if I do say so myself, Berty barged into the Princess’ room. How rude right girls? Anyone knows you must wait for a girl to answer your knock. You don’t go barging in uninvited.

On this occasion though, disaster was avoided. The Princess was not in her room! Now Berty, being prettier than a spring flower in her early years, was gradually becoming more and more distraught. Watching the Princess had become her full time job, and it was proving to be more than she was up for. To be fair, the Princess was too smart, too witty, and too beautiful for anyone in the castle to keep up with, let alone a woman with a full family of her own to worry about.

Ah, but enough about this poor lass ‘till later. All you need to know is that Berty alerted the king and queen after a few hours of searching that she had “misplaced” the Princess. They, meaning the King and Queen, were kind and understanding. They told her to go home and sleep, the Princess was fully capable of handling herself after all. She was always getting herself into sticky situations, but no permanent harm had ever befallen her, so all was thought to be well. Even at the young age of fourteen she had acquired a reputation of being uncannily quick and witty.

Now you kids have heard many stories about both Jake and Isabelle, but this may very well be the earliest story, in their life, that I’ve ever told you. It was, in fact, about the time Jake and Isabelle had started becoming friends. Ah, but for the new listeners in the audience I will explain who Jake is for you, the experienced listeners feel free to drift in your imagination to thoughts of the castle and the adventures they must have had within it.

Jake had been born to a man of great respect, his name being Sir Shawn. After growing up along side the King as best friends, Shawn died in defense of his friend in battle. The King being a just and loving man, took Jake in as his own son, his only son in fact. Jake and Isabelle had always been acquaintances in and around the castle, but when Jake became her brother, they were forced to get to know each other.

Now, this is not like any of those nasty other fairytales. This family was in fact quite kind and loving to one another, that including Jake as well. If Isabelle had ever treated him as an outsider, the King would have quickly set her straight. He was family, for good, and no title should influence how you love or treat someone.

Jake was eleven when his father died. Now being three years later, he had grown in stature and understanding. The king had been working with town officials to change the Joelville constitution to get him fully instated as a Prince of the Kingdom, but it had yet to be agreed. For now, he is just Jake; fun-loving and kind, Jake.

He and Isabelle learned to be friends very quickly, teasing and laughing just like you kids do. However, they only recently began getting into trouble together. Today was to be their first adventure outside the safety of Joelville's walls. Children were ordinarily not allowed outside the walls. All sorts of beasts and creatures roamed the woods. Paw and hoof prints could be seen along the side of the road leading from he castle gate. 

But on the morning that Berty barged into Princess Isabelle's room was the very beginning of Jake and Isabelle's adoring friendship. The night previously they had devised to meet at the outer gatehouse at dawn. It was an impressive task to sneak out of the castle, but children know each squeaky stair, each loose stone, and every creaking door to avoid. Both Jake and Isabelle made it safely to the outer gate. 

The local guard, named Mikael, was sleepily leaned up agains the stone parapet atop the towering walls. He was looking off into the distance at the majestic colors that covered the eastern horizon. Mikael was supposed to stop those who would seek to get in the castle, he wasn't aware that morning, that two children were sneaking out.

Isabelle brought a small sack of butter from the kitchens and lathered up the normally creaking gears. They were two fit teenagers, they didn't need much room, only a foot or two, to sneak under the spikes. Once lathered, Jake turned the wheel and lifted up the polished portcullis two notches. 

"That's enough. We can fit." Isabelle said. She grabbed Jake's arm and pulled him through the gap in the gate. "Fresh air at last." Isabelle felt free out here. There were no obligations to uphold, no reputation that proceeded her, no manners to be minded.

"Let's head along the wall and cross by the woods, guards won't see us there." Jake looked up while talking, spotting Mikael's drowsy face.

"Good idea. Let's go." Isabelle said. She hiked up her dress with one hand, and grabbed Jake's hand. "To the woods!" They ran together, so excited that their plan worked.

They ran head long into the woods, scattering a few squirrels along the way. Isabelle found a hollowed out tree and shoved her dress inside. Underneath she wore regular clothing, expected to be used for adventures; pants, a plain shirt, and boots that were clearly worn before on her travels.

"Okay, I'm ready." Isabelle turned and smiled at Jake.

"Where are we going?" Jake hadn't been outside the walls without knights or hunters before. He didn't know any secret spots like Isabelle.

"Come on. I'll show you something I found last week." Isabelle jumped over a rotten log and ran headlong deeper into the woods, towards the towering mountains.

Jake followed after. They ran until they both gasped for breath, excited all the way. Jake couldn't believe what he had seen along the way: ponds of frogs, herds of deer, den of foxes, burrows of badgers and tracks of a bear and they had only traveled a few miles into the woods. 

Here the woods began to change. Trees grew thicker and taller, but there were less of them. The ground started to slope upwards and Jake realized that they had reached the foothills before the mountains. He had never been this far from Joelville before. 

"Let's find a place to sit for lunch." Isabelle said.

"Okay. What did you bring?" Jake asked. He pointed over to a small pond where a deer was drinking and rolled a log over for each of them to sit on.

"I have apples, salted meat, and a loaf of bread, but we have to ration it until we get back. Who knows how long we will be before we're back at the kitchens." Isabelle sat on the log closest to the deer and pulled out two strips of meat and tore of a piece of bread for each of them.

"I just brought water. Oh and a torch." Jake laughed at his meager contribution.

"Water's important too, Jake." Isabelle flashed a smile at him. She always tried to be kind, a trait that is always under appreciated no matter how much consideration it receives.

"Oh that's good." Jake said chewing on his strip of meat. "Thank you very much."

"You're welcome, Prince Jake." Isabelle mocked. They both laughed and ate their lunch looking around. They knew that there were no princes or princesses out here. It was all survival and exploration.

Ten minutes later, Isabelle stood. "On your feet. We're close to one of my secret places." Isabelle reached out her hand and yanked Jake on his feet. Her travels had made her stronger than any other girl her age. She was strong, courageous, and kind which is an entirely different type of strength. Everyone was drawn to follow her, though she hasn't realized it yet. 

Jake said, "Lead the way." They began running again. This time their run was much shorter, over hill and valley until Isabelle slowed suddenly. She pointed down into the next valley at the opposite hillside. A cave dug deep into hill. 

"Not long now, Jake." Isabelle said, and found her way down the hillside, Jake ever following after. Eventually they reached the mouth and peered into the dim light. Jake's courage faltered.

"Have you explored it, yet?" Jake looked at Isabelle.

"Yeah. It comes out on the other side of the mountains, next to the ocean. It's wonderful there." Isabelle began walking through the mouth of the cave. Jake lit his torch and followed after Isabelle into the unknown.

(so I need help keeping the happy childish feeling that is at the beginning of the chapter. I feel like I may have lost it in places, but let me know what you think. I'd be most appreciative! :) thank you again for reading!)

Comments & reviews · 4
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silversky
Review

You definitely did not loose the happy feeling you were aiming for. This sounds straight out of a published book. It has a magical and whimsical feeling that was so well executed it gave me chills Dingo was delightfully erratic and just fun. Very enjoyable piece. Cannot wait for the next chapter. The only problems was that when you said the boys jeered I think you meant cheered. Jeered has a negative connotation. Or maybe that's just me being weird. Also, I would not drop the g's with the nanny's speech as you said you wanted it to be soft and gentle. Other than that it was perfect.

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silversky
Comment

You definitely did not loose the happy feeling you were aiming for. This sounds straight out of a published book. It has a magical and whimsical feeling that was so well executed it gave me chills Dingo was delightfully erratic and just fun. Very enjoyable piece. Cannot wait for the next chapter.

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kevin25a
Comment

I loved the story. Saw no problems of any kind, looking forward to your next chapters and how you continue the story. Would love to know whenever you get around to the next chapter.

User avatar
MooCowPoop
Review

hi there @Tommybear!

I think this is a good start. You do a good job of keeping the mood "giddy" because everyone is so enthusiastic about everything. I think that is a very good thing to do with your characters.

However, I think you focused so much on keeping a bright tone that you forgot to insert the fundamentals of keeping a cohesive story. That is the setting. The entire time I read it I asked myself where are these people? how else can this be written in a way that truly grabs the reader? For both questions, I suggest that you imagine not just where your characters are placed, but what objects, textures, sounds, etc will your characters be encountering as well? For instance, in the beginning you mention there being a campfire, but not exactly the entire setting of the place. What is Dingo sitting on? Are they located at a contained campsite? What does the ground of the campsite look like? Is it an eerie night? What does Dingo sound like? What is the texture of the pillowcase that Isabelle is sleeping on when she first wakes up? Perhaps you don't need to get down to the minute details, but I believe that one who can portray visual tone just as well as their content is on their way to becoming a good writer.

Here is an example of what I mean.

He was looking off into the distance at the majestic colors that covered the eastern horizon.


I would write this a little differently:

Guarding the castle was an exhausting job, mostly because nothing ever happened. After rubbing his tired and droopy eyes, he continued to stare blankly at the horizon like he did everyday. It did not matter to him that the horizon was painted with the most unearthly majestic colors, such as pumpkin orange and violet and burgundy. He was just doing his job.
(It may grammatically incorrect, but do you understand what I mean by painting a picture for the reader as well as setting up the story? Writing is almost like painting. Try giving your characters a little more depth by giving them these simple quirks.)

Another little pet peeve was the description of the children...That's it. It was just that, as if they were some monolithic mass. Do these children have personalities? Quirks? This kind of ties into my first suggestion.

Anyway, this is a good start. Do not get discouraged because of my advice, one measly person on the internet (who is not a professional writer! I just read books and stuff like you do!) Sorry if I sound harsh. I truly do not mean to be. Just keep writing, and feel free to disregard everything I just said.

Happy Writing! :)

Thanks so much for reading this in the first place. I really appreciate the feed back. I will definitely take into account your constructive criticism. Thanks so much!



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