The damp air had already sent shivers through my legs. The cloth vaguely trying to hold together my torn flesh was getting more useless by each passing second. The crimson blood seeped through the bandages and seemed long past clotting. The wound was too large. Hope faded as the loss of blood added a dizzying cloudiness to all my thoughts.a
I took a deep breath and tried thinking of Johanna (yo-hawn-uh). The last thing I wanted to remember about my life was that for a brief moment I had what every man since Adam had searched for; the perfect woman, relationship, and moment. The very knowledge that Johanna existed and knowing that she wanted me and no other man made my last seconds of agony, somehow blissful.
I laid my head against the stone wall behind me. One deep breath after another. Unconsciously, I could tell my breathing was slowing. I started singing to myself the song Johanna had sang to me. It seemed like eons ago but the words somehow came, "There's nothing to fear other than fear itself. Do not shut down in the face of defeat, love is always around. When you are low and dark and dreary, know that I'm calling for your safe return. And I'll hold you like this, close to my chest, and we'll be together evermore."
My eyes blinked rapidly. Twice, three times, four. I started drawing another breath. Suddenly, my eyes closed and I had not the power to open them, and thus I had died.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well things are off to a rather dramatic start right there, oh wow, nothing is being held back at all with this one I see. Certainly a powerful image to have someone that's suffered what appears to be a fatal wound with whatever bandage that's been applied to help heal it being totally ineffective. This is creating a powerful image of hope slowly being lost here...and well, as a first paragraph, this totally gets your attention as a reader here.
Alright, so that's kind of sweet there although the way those last few lines were worded kind of felt weird to me, that's just probably only me. At any rate, it looks like this person remembers the person that he loved here in what is clearly his final dying moments...well, it certainly is interesting, cause as a reader you know this person is clearly not going to be playing any more of a part in this story, but this Johanna woman is potentially going to be important.
Well that was a rather formal death right there, I don't know why but the way that this person simply declares that they have died kind of make me crack up a tiny bit. But, well you do a pretty decent job of showing the final moments of this person. You know they are fully aware that its going to happen and they seem to just be trying to bide the time till death takes them here. You leave the reader with a lot of questions there towards and that just makes for a pretty awesome prologue here.
All in all a really solid prologue here and one that would certainly make me want to read on and see what's going on in the book itself.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Tommybear!
Just a minor change here. The 'and more' wasn't needed because we already know the cloth is becoming useless.
I think you meant 'aeons' or 'eons' ago, since 'ions' mean an atom or group of atoms that has acquired an electric charge ^-^" 'Aeon' is another form of 'eon', so either spelling would be correct.
The 'I had died' part also wasn't needed. I mean, if you tell us that it was your end, I'm pretty sure we know that you're dead
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this piece. It gives us little information (which is what prologues should do) and makes us eager to know what happens next.
Bravo c:
Other than the comments I've stated above, there is nothing else I found wrong about this.
Good luck on the next chapter! I'll be looking out for it
Keep writing,
Sky.
Tommy,
Wow. Just wow. This is so straight to the point and concise and small and wow. I applaud this.
Reading through it, I had so many questions in my head about what had happened, why was he on his own, where is Joanna, what makes her so perfect? I want to know the answers.
However, there was a point at the start where you mentioned white blood cells. That threw me off a little, the inclusion of science. I don't know whether it's because I don't really like science much but it kinda slapped me in the face a little, if you get what I mean.
Also, 'ion' - I think you mean eon?
Kasim.