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Prologue to (no name)

by Tommybear


The damp air had already sent shivers through my legs. The cloth vaguely trying to hold together my torn flesh was getting more useless by each passing second. The crimson blood seeped through the bandages and seemed long past clotting. The wound was too large. Hope faded as the loss of blood added a dizzying cloudiness to all my thoughts.a

I took a deep breath and tried thinking of Johanna (yo-hawn-uh). The last thing I wanted to remember about my life was that for a brief moment I had what every man since Adam had searched for; the perfect woman, relationship, and moment. The very knowledge that Johanna existed and knowing that she wanted me and no other man made my last seconds of agony, somehow blissful.

I laid my head against the stone wall behind me. One deep breath after another. Unconsciously, I could tell my breathing was slowing. I started singing to myself the song Johanna had sang to me. It seemed like eons ago but the words somehow came, "There's nothing to fear other than fear itself. Do not shut down in the face of defeat, love is always around. When you are low and dark and dreary, know that I'm calling for your safe return. And I'll hold you like this, close to my chest, and we'll be together evermore."

My eyes blinked rapidly. Twice, three times, four. I started drawing another breath. Suddenly, my eyes closed and I had not the power to open them, and thus I had died.


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Random avatar

Points: 2557
Reviews: 26

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Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:34 pm
SkyLore wrote a review...



Hey Tommybear!

The cloth vaguely trying to hold together my torn flesh was getting more and more useless by each passing second.


Just a minor change here. The 'and more' wasn't needed because we already know the cloth is becoming useless.

It seemed like ions #FF0000 ">aeons ago (...)


I think you meant 'aeons' or 'eons' ago, since 'ions' mean an atom or group of atoms that has acquired an electric charge ^-^" 'Aeon' is another form of 'eon', so either spelling would be correct.

Suddenly, my eyes closed and I had not the power to open them, and thus was my end. I had died.


The 'I had died' part also wasn't needed. I mean, if you tell us that it was your end, I'm pretty sure we know that you're dead ;)

Overall:
I enjoyed reading this piece. It gives us little information (which is what prologues should do) and makes us eager to know what happens next.
Bravo c:
Other than the comments I've stated above, there is nothing else I found wrong about this.

Good luck on the next chapter! I'll be looking out for it ;)

Keep writing,
Sky.




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Points: 517
Reviews: 34

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Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:46 am
kasimkaey wrote a review...



Tommy,

Wow. Just wow. This is so straight to the point and concise and small and wow. I applaud this.

Reading through it, I had so many questions in my head about what had happened, why was he on his own, where is Joanna, what makes her so perfect? I want to know the answers.

However, there was a point at the start where you mentioned white blood cells. That threw me off a little, the inclusion of science. I don't know whether it's because I don't really like science much but it kinda slapped me in the face a little, if you get what I mean.

Also, 'ion' - I think you mean eon?

Kasim.





The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris