Published January 13, 2011
I watch you walk hand in hand.
Im left wondering,
will I ever be your man.
I cannot help but think,
that you avoid my smile; my eyes.
That something, along the line,
inside you died.
Was it hope, maybe love?
No more viewing us as a gift from above?
At one point, you thought,
A smile is worth sharing, and hope is the start.
I guess it's naivety that keeps me going,
I guess it's hope that allows me to keep smiling.
Hope in you, hope in God, hope in us.
Two months later, nothing's changed
unless you count the tsunami of pain that came
rising in my heart and flooding my dreams,
landscapes erased, lives changed.
Are you worth it I ask?
Am I up to the task,
of playing this waiting game?
You truly are beautiful,
why can't you see?
You amaze me!
Why can't there be a we?
Is it pitiful to keep chasing you?
IS it sad that I won't give up on you?
Well maybe, but if i give up, I'd die,
If I quit, I would cry.
You may be content living that way,
but I'll keep waiting for "that one day",
When you awake and see me waiting
Arms outstretched, eyes wet.
Truly I feel sad that you can't see what I do,
Always adjusting your looks, for who?
I think you're absolutely divine,
Quit fidgeting, you're hair's fine.
Finally, almost three years later,
my words sink in,
You let go of his hand and move on,
He was only tearing you down.
You look my way and finally see,
what I have for years.
You reach up to the mirror,
and finally dry our tears.
(Do you know who the narrator is?)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Whooooa i absolutely loved this one!
Haa i just love the emotions that you poured into this poem! SO maany people can realte to it! Just...wonderful!
ANd once again, i think you should pay attention to the rythm... Keep it flowing you know? Cause then it will be ten times more agreeable to read!!
Keep writing!!! Im lovin your writing so far ^^
Ok you read this out loud to me and it was still really amazing! but reading it and being able to reread certain stanzas and stuff just made it so much more deep and clear. Man it was really amazing! I think you did an amazing job with description and helping the reader picture it in their mind. That takes real talent. Proud of you!!
Wow this is really nice. I'm so happy that there was a happy ending. You did really well with this poem I ended hoping with the narrator that it would all work out and you would end up together.
Wow, this is really great, it really just flows, and the unexpected twist at the end just amazes me.
Beautiful.
THis is freaking awesome
Well I truly appreciate all three of your comments. It means so much to me. And trying2Bnaturallyme, the narrator turns out (in my case) is the young lady's true self. She finds out who she is, and accepts it. She finally becomes herself and loves herself. The reason i loved this poem so much, is that, it can be interpreted by so many people in different ways. That has always been my goal in writing; resonance. I hope you all keep posting and reviewing. Thank you all!
(p.s. I am currently chasing a girl, and she is the inspiration for the poem. She is so beautiful and yet cannot accept herself. It hurts me to see her that way because I adore her).
I agree with WaitingForLife, this has a very good flow. To be truthful, at the begining I thought the narrator was a creeper. But the end explains it all and I'm happy to find out you two finally get to be a "we" Am I allowed to ask if this is based on a true story??
I really love this poem! When you wrote "Finally, almost three years later,my words sink in,You let go of his hand and move on,He was only tearing you down." It related to a very emotional event that actually happened to me not to long ago.. But all in all, It's a very emotive poem
Good job
This piece had a very nice flow to it and I never expected the ending, which made it all the better once I reached it. This was a great idea, which you presented well
I found very little grammatical errors, but the one I saw annoyed me greatly. Please, PLEASE, capitalize your I's; a lower case "i" draws the eye away from the other words, which are very well written. It just seems such a shame that a small thing like that would ruin a piece this good.The imagery was great and had deep descriptions to really show us the emotions involved. Overall, a strong poem and I find myself wanting to read future works by you. ^^
Your's truly,
|Life|