Closed door, Opened Window: Ch. 1, "The End"

Well, typically this isn't the kind of thing I enjoy reading, but it was actually okay. Leave it to a boy to write about war stuff, but you did a very good job. Few complaints. Keep up the good work

Hey,
I'm here to review this agian. I'm glad you liked my review. I just... Wow. The first thing I thought, honestly, was 'Oh no, here we go. Another ghost telling their story.' But you did a great job. I don't like calling things cliches, so I was glad you could make this better. Now, I get to nitpick a little.

TmB317 wrote:July 1941?
This is way too early. The amphibious landing occured June 6, 1944, if you're still talking about the invasion of Normandy. The parachuters did land earlier but it was the night before, if I remember correctly, not three years prior.
What's with the question mark?


I screamed and cried while my commander ordered my body to be sent home to Alabama, and yet no one heard me.
I'm not sure things would happen so quickly, but I have no real idea.

I yelled and yelled and waited for the angel of death to take me away, and yet here I sit . . . waiting.
Yet is a conjunction all by itself. Since you have so many ands in this sentence. I would get rid of the last one just to decrease repetition.

time to come? yeah as if some one like me has a chance of steppin inside those pearly gates.
You didn't capitalize these two sentences. Maybe you meant to leave the g off of stepping, but then you need an apostrophe.

Well Here it goes.
Lowercase H.

P.s. No sign of Jimbo anywhere...
I'm not sure what this means. The s needs to be capitalized.

hey man! way cool beginning. I think you could go a lot of different ways with this story. I'm excited to read the rest of it! I'm guessing your going to be focusing on the whole "why am i still here?" thing which will be interesting to see your reasoning behind it. Maybe you should delve into the fact of why he thinks he wouldn't be allowed into heaven? But whatevs you write I'm sure will be resonating with awesomeness see ya later man!

Hey Tm,
I'm interested in WWII and liked your telling of it. If you need to do any research, I found this Time article on the parachuters of Normandy that had actual experiences. Here's the website: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1101440619-640079,00.html

TmB317 wrote:Every non-skin forming piece of clothing flapped in the breeze, rapidly like a fish out of water.
THe comma needs to come after rapidly.

"This is it Jalen! See you on the ground!"
There needs to be a comma before Jalen, because Jimmy is addressing Jalen.

Those were the last words Jimmy (Jimbo) Fischer ever spoke to me.
I don't know if this is necessarily wrong, but I've always seen nicknames in quotation marks not parentheses.

This is our mission, and we do not fail.
When you say "we do not fail" does that mean any missions or this one. If it's only this mission, it should be "we will not fail."

We are the screaming eagles, America's Go-to force when a butt whooping was needed, and we will not fail.
Here the verb tenses don't match up. "We are ... whooping was needed." Was needs to be is. I do like the pride he shows in his unit. I feel like it's realistic.

Plane after plane, glider after glider, man after man went down from the airborn shrapnel; deadly stingers flying at mach one speeds flying through the air ripping through armor and flesh alike with no remorse.
Because you're only describing the shrapnel and the sentence after the semicolon is actually a fragment, you only need a comma.

Being completely defenseless, all I could do was watch as a missile launched, fiery tail in pursuit, over my head detonating just twenty feet above me. Shrapnel showered down, ripping my parachute and colliding with my helmet. Losing control of my descent, a shard of metal smacked into the rear of my helmet, sending me into an unconscious spiral, spinning towards my death, me being none the wiser.