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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Two little monsters

by Tom3


Two small little monsters were jumping on the bed, watching and taking care of children’s dreams. The oldest one stood awake but couldn’t see them fly with the stories that played in his sisters and brothers minds, while they slept. The blue monster looked at what the youngest boy was dreaming.

Interesting, he thought

“I will save the kingdom once and for all”, he threw his arrows aimlessly at the dragon. Not missing any of his heads.

“You human how dare you injure me the greatest creatures on this small road?”, the dragon roared in pain. Its breath became slower and there it lay, its lifeless body while the small prince danced and sang with the others.

The monster chuckled, how happy are they in their dreams, he thought.

Holding onto the children’s hands they started jumping on the forbidden lands. The puffy clouds were meant to be trampolines, a child’s dream if the author can say a word, and while I write this letters and words spilling out of my mind try imagining the whole scene, it makes you happy right? The cries of joy are heard from the sky but the oldest one still lies in his bed staring at his white ceiling. He says he is thinking, but we don’t know if that’s true. Oh and the vivacity in those kid’s hearts glowing as they hold hands. Does exhaustion even exist in children? is it okay if I ask again. Does exhaustion exist in the children that always dream and jump and run and laugh in the school breaks? The two little monsters leave the kids alone since they have fallen sleep on the white bed that were meant to be clouds.

Two little monsters jumping on the bed, one fell but didn’t break his head. He flied around the room and sat on the old man’s chair.

I caught a nightmare Blue, he said to the other monster.

Give it to me we have to destroy it, Blue said taking the white light and crunching it in his small paws.

Nightmares aren’t made for children they once said, but they were glad they caught it since it could have destroyed the small dreams that were playing in the small heads.

Going back to the big brother he left the room to make himself some tea, but soon was distracted by the night’s darkness that covered their back yards’ garden. No star on moon has been seen. Of course winter was soon to start and the grey clouds will now be in the position of the sky. He soon felt a small arm pull thin material of his shirt. His small brother stood in front of him with tears in his eyes.

“Big brother I’m scared”, he quietly whispered, he crouched down to look into his eyes.

“Don’t be scared Pete, aren’t you my little fighter”, he kissed his small brother on the scalp where his hair used to be, but it was gone since he was on his strongest medicine. Small Peter was a fighter, fighting cancer since the age of four and here he was alive but still on medicine.

He smiled kindly at him and picked him up. Walked up the stairs to his room and tucked the blanket on the thin kid as he lay beside him.

“Can you tell me a story because the doctor said you were a good story teller”, Peter said looking up.

“Sure I can”, he still smiled at the small guy, he couldn’t just not smile at him.

The oldest one took a deep breath in and started his story.

I know it will start like a normal fairytale but this one is not like that, not a prince saving a princess from the big bad wolf or another scary creature that could tear anyone apart. This story is about a kid his name is

“(Peter! ” the small brother exclaimed. The big brother chuckled,” Yeah his name is Peter”)

Peter liked the forest a lot, not like any other kid. He would meet his best friend there, Mary, and she was just a small fairy. No glitter did really escape from her wings, it never did and never will since she wasn’t Tinkerbell.

(“What was she then?”, he asked quietly. “Don’t you usually play with Mary in the house she always says she is a fairy doesn’t she?” “Yeah she does and I really like the forest too you know, is this story about Peter Pan?”, Peter asked. “No Peter Pan is now far far away; you are the Peter in this story”)

So once when they were playing, laughing and jumping around the forest, they didn’t notice how deep they were going. Mary soon realized but it was too late they were lost. Silence filled every single inch of the place, if you could hear fear it would be the only sound that could be heard. Mary started crying and Peter tried soothing her down.

“I give up Peter, we are lost you know so stop searching for anything”, she said sitting on a tree branch.

He didn’t listen to her, still searching for a way out, he couldn’t believe that this place in the forest would be lit by the sun a small circle forming around them. It did look peaceful and familiar too.

“Mary sit on my shoulder I think I found a way out”, he smiled at the ginger haired girl.

Now he was running because yeah he was scared, scared for his life. The feeling of something chasing him just made his body produce adrenaline and he was on full speed now. Trees started becoming blurry in Mary’s vision and the forest became a full painting with colors smeared all over the edges. When they both could hear other children playing. He stopped and gave Mary a toothy grin.

“Big brother I feel sleepy”, Peter said covering his brothers mouth for him to stop the story.

“Yeah it really is late for you”, he looked at the clock.

“Goodnight big brother”, Peter nuzzled his hear into his brother’s shoulder.

The oldest one put his hand on Peters bald head.

“Goodnight Pete”

They both fell asleep. It’s really sad the concept of the disease Peter is suffering, but he is a fighter isn’t he and he will survive it because of it.

The clouds covered the sky.

Two little monsters jumped on the bed one flew away and one stayed there.


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52 Reviews


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Sat Oct 22, 2016 12:37 pm
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Dulcet wrote a review...



This review is going to be more nitpicks than anything else, to be honest. You already have a good grip on storytelling, and the story itself is really interesting! The idea that there are monsters watching children's dreams is oddly comforting, heh. The big brother's relationship with Peter is also adorable and admirable, and the way you wrote their interactions really puts across how much they care for each other.

Now for the nitpicks, mainly about grammar.

There are a few run-on sentences with missing punctuation, like:

The puffy clouds were meant to be trampolines, a child’s dream if the author can say a word, and while I write this letters and words spilling out of my mind try imagining the whole scene, it makes you happy right?


Two little monsters jumped on the bed one flew away and one stayed there.


I just have to say, I find putting the author's input in the middle really interesting and unique. I've never seen anyone actually do that before, and I'd love to see more of it!

Now, the above quotes can be written as:

The puffy clouds were meant to be trampolines, a child's dream. If the author can say a word - and while I write this, letters and words spilling out of my mind - try imagining the whole scene. It makes you happy, right?

Two little monsters jumped on the bed; one flew away and one stayed there.

Of course, it's your choice what punctuation marks you use. But without punctuation, the idea that you're trying to convey to us will be less coherent and clear, than if you do use punctuation.

All throughout the story, I also notice that you place a comma outside of quotation marks, like:

“I will save the kingdom once and for all”, he threw his arrows aimlessly at the dragon.


This should be:

"I will save the kingdom once and for all!" He threw his arrows aimlessly at the dragon.

“Big brother I’m scared”, he quietly whispered.


This should be:

"Big brother, I'm scared," he quietly whispered.

I'm not going to go on a big explanation about punctuation in dialogue, but I'll link you to a useful thread here: Dialogue Punctuation
JFW1415 already does a good job in pointing out the many ways you can punctuate dialogue.

Two small little monsters were jumping on the bed, watching and taking care of children’s dreams. The oldest one stood awake but couldn’t see them fly with the stories that played in his sisters and brothers minds, while they slept.


"small" and "little" is redundant, so if you remove one of those words, it'll sound better. And I was a bit confused as to what "The oldest one" referred to - the oldest monster, or child? I'd replace it with "The oldest child" if it's the big brother you're talking about.

Aside from that, there's not much else I can think to say. Most of the improvement stems from the lack of proper grammar and understanding of punctuation, but that's all that stands out to me. If you have trouble with anything, feel free to send me a message (since I know I'm a bit hard to understand sometimes), or post on the forums because everyone is here to help. I look forward to seeing more from you!




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Thu Oct 20, 2016 4:22 pm
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Sharon1407 wrote a review...



Hey Tom.. really nice plot you got there.. There is intensity.. And you have done the revelation or brought about the twist in a very smooth manner.. although it is a very cliche plot, but the read is very soothing to the mind.. The first part could have been a bit more organised just to make the perception part easier.. but the later part is very fascinating.. And it also somehow presents a positive take on life.. By saying "Peter is a fighter".. punctuation marks can be a bit more apt.. apart from this, it was a very good read.. I personally am not a fan of short stories.. But stories like this are always pleasant to read.. Thank You:)





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