This review is going to be more nitpicks than anything else, to be honest. You already have a good grip on storytelling, and the story itself is really interesting! The idea that there are monsters watching children's dreams is oddly comforting, heh. The big brother's relationship with Peter is also adorable and admirable, and the way you wrote their interactions really puts across how much they care for each other.
Now for the nitpicks, mainly about grammar.
There are a few run-on sentences with missing punctuation, like:
The puffy clouds were meant to be trampolines, a child’s dream if the author can say a word, and while I write this letters and words spilling out of my mind try imagining the whole scene, it makes you happy right?
Two little monsters jumped on the bed one flew away and one stayed there.
I just have to say, I find putting the author's input in the middle really interesting and unique. I've never seen anyone actually do that before, and I'd love to see more of it!
Now, the above quotes can be written as:
The puffy clouds were meant to be trampolines, a child's dream. If the author can say a word - and while I write this, letters and words spilling out of my mind - try imagining the whole scene. It makes you happy, right?
Two little monsters jumped on the bed; one flew away and one stayed there.
Of course, it's your choice what punctuation marks you use. But without punctuation, the idea that you're trying to convey to us will be less coherent and clear, than if you do use punctuation.
All throughout the story, I also notice that you place a comma outside of quotation marks, like:
“I will save the kingdom once and for all”, he threw his arrows aimlessly at the dragon.
This should be:
"I will save the kingdom once and for all!" He threw his arrows aimlessly at the dragon.
“Big brother I’m scared”, he quietly whispered.
This should be:
"Big brother, I'm scared," he quietly whispered.
I'm not going to go on a big explanation about punctuation in dialogue, but I'll link you to a useful thread here: Dialogue Punctuation
JFW1415 already does a good job in pointing out the many ways you can punctuate dialogue.
Two small little monsters were jumping on the bed, watching and taking care of children’s dreams. The oldest one stood awake but couldn’t see them fly with the stories that played in his sisters and brothers minds, while they slept.
"small" and "little" is redundant, so if you remove one of those words, it'll sound better. And I was a bit confused as to what "The oldest one" referred to - the oldest monster, or child? I'd replace it with "The oldest child" if it's the big brother you're talking about.
Aside from that, there's not much else I can think to say. Most of the improvement stems from the lack of proper grammar and understanding of punctuation, but that's all that stands out to me. If you have trouble with anything, feel free to send me a message (since I know I'm a bit hard to understand sometimes), or post on the forums because everyone is here to help. I look forward to seeing more from you!
Points: 5100
Reviews: 52
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