She pulled my leg and pointed to the open pizzarette,
“Papa, can we go?”
With just those little words, I was in her net.
A dangerous place to be,
As my wallet was already low.
Yeah, it sucks to be me,
But her smile was all it took.
For in my heart she always has a little nook.
Oh, how she nagged me for some,
She cried, “The cheesy double stack,
With peppadews just for fun,
and pieces of rib straight of the rack!
And even just a little bite of that margarita bun.”
Her speech was improving, I admitted,
Even though funds were limited,
I felt that a treat was what she needed,
Which’s why my wallets state was unheeded!
I mean how could I not say yes to that little cheerful One?
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi there.
I really like this. I loved that you made a somewhat average and mediocre subject matter really interesting.
This is mainly because of the fantastic and flawless flow. You incorporated the dialogue into it perfectly.
Also, the subtext of the relationship between the parent and child is really lovely.
So good job.
Hi there.
I really like this. I loved that you made a somewhat average and mediocre subject matter really interesting.
This is mainly because of the fantastic and flawless flow. You incorporated the dialogue into it perfectly.
Also, the subtext of the relationship between the parent and child is really lovely.
So good job.
Hey...
@ Kristen: Children are all the same they find some way to weasel us into giving in! lol I've got 2 nephews, and a niece, imagine how i feel! hehe
@ Writer: Thanks for the comments, glad you enjoyed it.
Toly
Hello!
- this poem is really narrative!
- wow, I am thankful for super dads thinking like that
- this is really cute, haha!
- *ran-out-of-words*
That was so cute!! It reminded me of my nephew when he asks me things. He's only two and a half, but he's so demanding. Either way, I can't say know to the kid. =D
WOW!!! This poem is featured!! Thanks everyone! Still kinda shocked and surprised!
TOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!
hEHE...
Thats my best friend lol...
Good job mate
Boziiii
Awesome job! <3
Hey
Thanks for all the advice and pointing out my mistakes, glad I've got reviewers like these! hehe I've edited it slightly and tried my best to use all the advice... tell me what you think, even though it just slight changes!
hehe ToLz
Hello.
Nitpicks:
“Papa can we go?”
-
Put a comma after 'Papa'.- Sol already mentioned this. Haha.
- I think you should put a comma after 'Yeah'.
-
I think you should put a comma after 'Oh'.- Sol already mentioned this. xD
- Put a comma after 'improving' to separate the 'thought' from 'I admitted.
- Also, maybe, it's more fitting to use 'speech' or something instead of 'English' 'cause she's not learning a different language?
I like it. ^_^ It's because: First, I love pizza; Second: It's short and simple; Third: The rhymes are good; And last: It's cute and genuine.
Never stop writing! ^_^
I like this. It has such an innocence behind it that leaves me smiling! The last poem put me in a dark mood, and this one completely lifted my spirit. I love kids. Anyhoooo, I like how this poem flows together, and the grammar is pretty much right. A few errors that you can edit, but the people before me already caught those for you. Great job!
Hey there, Toly! I'm Sol and I'm going to review for you today.
First, I'll give you some nitpicks.
There should be a comma after Papa.
And after Oh.
The comma in red should be a period, or maybe a exclamation mark!
I would change the last sentence for the poem to flow better, "Even though funds were limited, she needed a treat."
Notice you had finished another sentences with "One", it sounds repetitive... I think saying, "I mean how could I not say yes to the kid?" would be better, but I admit it sounds cuter your way.
I love this poem, little people make me happy and this is cute. xD
Good writing! Great job! Never Stop!
~Solvy <3
Heya
Thanks for the reviews guys, its greatly appreciated. hehe Micky you should here her in reality! She ma be unbelievably cute, but by God can she nag!! Its no wonder I love her so much! The mixed rhyme scheme was intentional as I tried a different style this time, glad you enjoyed it. Bivrax thanks I'm glad that my message was conveyed, tried my hardest to get the simplicity of it all across. Shows how much power she has, even though she so small and simple. Oh and I do have some short stories posted, I will be posting more soon, I just want to try and perfect the ones I already have posted, before posting more, just check my portfolio.
Thanks again, ToLy
Part of why I liked this, is because I love pizza. I also liked it because it is very simple (in my mind, at least) and is very easy to follow. I enjoyed it very much.
Maybe you could at some point make some short stories/novels.
Unless I missed those.
Part of why I liked this, is because I love pizza. I also liked it because it is very simple (in my mind, at least) and is very easy to follow. I enjoyed it very much.
Maybe you could at some point make some short stories/novels.
Unless I missed those.
Oh that's cute XD
it definitely has great rhythm going on throughout the entire poem. I also like the quotes in it. This little girl sounds so cute! XD
She sounds like one hungry kid if she can eat all of that, pahaha.
Your rhyming pattern seems to change a lot and it looks as if there is no set pattern to the rhymes. But I do like it
Keep writing, it's very good