You were always too shy to talk to him. Every chance you got to talk to him you always stammered or messed up. He'd always smile then laugh and say, "Don't hurt yourself!" You love him, you're just to shy to tell him. But not today, you're going to tell him! You've mad sure to pamper yourself this time, to look pretty when you hand him your letter. You look perfect with your freshly curled hair nice neatly placed atop your head. You hurry out the door and snatch your backpack with your letter tucked inside your pocket. There's not enough time to adore yourself in the mirror and check for makeup flaws. You trot down the street to the stop sign where your bus gathers the neighborhood kids. You wip your head to look behind you at the sound of a roaring vehicle blundering down the street. Here comes the almightly lemon madhouse. You climb aboard the gigantic lemon colored bus, stumbling your way to your seat. Setting your backpack down you turn to your friend, Demi. "Hello, how are you this disasterous morning? You look pretty fancy today." she says with a tilit of her head. "I got reasons to be fancy today," You giggle "And i'm doing okay..I guess..?" The rest of the the bus ride was spent in almost complete silence other than a few small coversations here and there.
You clamber off the bus towards the directions of the front door of the school. "GOOD MORNING, LOSER!!" Is screamed into your ear by your most hated friend,you jump like a maniac. Is she even your friend? You can't keep track. You choose not to reply to this obnoxious brat who thinks her ugly looks have a better chance of winning your crush over than you do. "Well fine, i see how it is. Oh look!! It's MY future BOYFRIEND." She emphasizes these words just to irritate you, sadly she succeeds to do so. You watch her stamp away toward the most gorguous guy in school. You watch her as she talks to him, he shoves her away and walks away. "Haha, sucks to be her." You think. Instead he walks over to you you can't help but blush. "Morning, Shortie." He grins.
"M-Mo-Morning!" "Haha, same as always aren't ya!" He pats your head and starts to walk away. "Wh-Wait!!"
"Huh, what's wrong? Never heard you yell before." He looks at you witha concerned look on his face. "I- I got something for you... Uh..Here!" You reach into your pocket and hand him the note. You turn your head to look behind him, your Frenemy is fuming. She glares at you and flips you off, whatever, you do what you want.
Your crush smiles and leans closer to you. "Is it..Alright if i hug you?" "Yes!!" you can't help but squeel. He hugs you and whispers into your ear, "Will you be my Valentine forever..?" You can't help but glow with joy. Forever? Really!? You squeel again and say yes!! You kiss him on the cheek, "Oh.. Ooops...Sorry!" You blush bright red. "It's okay, as long as it's you." Your Frenemy screams and walks away. "What was that??" Your now boyfriend asks. "Oh...Nothing and no one important." You smile again and the two of you walk to your first class.
Shortest story ever. On the face of the Earth. I might continue it though!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Grammar Nazi:
Rephrase this.
I'm not going to do any more grammar. You need to just spell check this, and grammar check it. Also look over it, many things just sound odd. Don't begin so many sentences with "you", it is very boring.
The reactions and conversations were not realistic. The whole thing is way too cliche. Also, skip to a new line for every new speaker. It gets really confusing on who is saying what.
I'm sorry, but I didn't like this at all. It has potential to be better, but it needs substantial improvement. You pretty much need to rewrite the entire climax.
I'm going to be completely honest.
This isn't very good. It's got a cliche story line, underdeveloped characters, grammar mistakes, and it tells. the whole time.
Don't get me wrong, it COULD be good. But, you didn't put much effort into it, as far as I can see.
I'll go over a couple of rules with you, but you really just need practice. Practice practice practice.
When it comes to dialogue, you can't have run on dialogue. It gets very confusing for the reader, and it looks messy.
Example,
"Hi." "Hi" he replied, waving. "How are you?"
Okay, so obviously two people are speaking.
The format though, should be new line every time it changes. Which would make it,
"Hi."
"Hi," he replied, waving. "How are you?"
It's easier to read, it's easier to understand, and it's a lot cleaner.
Okay, this is a huge block of text. You need to find a common break in the middle, somewhere that it won't be weird to separate a paragraph from another one. Then, your piece will look a lot better as a whole.
One thing a lot of writers have a hard time mastering is SHOWING not telling. It's especially hard if you write from the POV of someone observing. That makes it harder, because they don't know exactly what the person is thinking.
I advise you to not use this person until you can master the fundamentals of writing. Try writing for first or third person, that way you can relate to their imagination a little more.
Adding thoughts and dialogue instead of just saying what's happening is a good way to help with showing and not telling.
It just takes practice, but eventually, you'll understand how to do it, and be able to do it easily.
I hope I helped! Post on my wall with ANY questions!
~Drama
Good job Toby, i must say you have a thing with these little romantic embarrasing stories.