z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Peri Queen Part 1

by Toboldlygo


Rupella stretched her arms wide and gave a little hop-spin, her wings catching her movment and propelling her just slightly higher into the air as her little flower-petal skirt swished delicately around her legs. Around her, the dryads danced, the branches of their trees making a tepid breeze that stirred her dark curls while the dancing sunshine cast sparkles in her amiable brown eyes. Her crown, made of interwoven ivy, dandelions, and hyacinth, sat slightly crooked over her head, but she still appeared as stately as ever. How she loved these long days of blooming flowers, rustling leaves, and gentle moss beneath her feet!

Soon, however, it would all be different; she would be crowned Queen of the Peris on the morrow. She was pleased to take the crown; it was a high honor and not every generation of her family saw the Crown pick a Queen. Sometimes, upwards of 600 years had gone by before a new Queen had been chosen, each year the first immediate descendents of the departed Queen, in addition to her sisters and first cousins (but not their descendents) gathering around the Crown in hopes that one would be chosen. Her own mother had not been chosen following the passing into twilight of Rupella’s grandmother. 

Rupella felt esteemed to have been chosen after only 48 years with no Queen of Periland, yet there was a part of her that was also trepid about assuming such responsibility, having been chosen her first time in the circle at only 54 years old! But she tried to dismss the doubts from her mind. The Crown had never failed to pick a good Queen in the past. Somehow, she would find a way to grow into the Queen the Crown foresaw she could be. Now, all throughout Periland, Peris, Elves, Dwarves, Fairies, Dryads, Naiads, and Nymphs were preparing for the momentous occasion. It was not everyday that one saw the coronation of the Queen of the Peris.

As she flitted back over the treetops towards the Glen, she was joined by the Peris of the Court. These Peris, picked by herself from among her dearest friends, were to be her advisors, assistants, and companions after she received the Crown. She had had slight misgivings about choosing one, an old rival from her schooling days named Menea, but she had decided that Menea could be trusted to put aside old contests aside and realize the need to serve the good of Periland. Menea had never been a particularly warm individual- rumor was she had an iceberg instead of a heart, but she was a loyal Peri and would not have hurt her realm for all the treasures of the world. 

Now, the Peris prepared gleefully for the pre-Coronation ritual. It was a sacred, solemn ritual, which only a select few of the Queen-line knew; even Rupella herself had no idea what was in store for her that night. After the ceremony, all in attendance would be bound to an oath of eternal silence, one that would cause death should the person even think of revealing the secrets, lest the ceremony be divulged and the outside world learn the secrets of Periland. Even the dryads whose trees stood near the area for the ceremony were bound to the vow of silence, and indeed, many of them remembered the first ceremony held in the land and had been among those who counseled for all involved to take the oath.

The Peris of the Court swirled in their dance around the Naiad’s Mirror, where water bubbled out of the ground softly, bringing with it the Magic into Periland. Rupella stood outside the clearing around the Mirror, a colorful swirl of nervousness and excitement dancing through her stomach. In a short while, it would be settled; the Crown’s choice would have been solidified and she would be confirmed the Queen of Periland, pending only the public formal coronation the next day. Few there were, even among those who realized its existence, who knew that this ceremony was in fact the coronation, and that the public coronation the next morning was only a formality so as to not divulge the Ancient Secrets to too many in the land.

“Rupella! Come forward!” called the redheaded Elf in charge of the ceremony. Tall and serene, the moonlight glowing softly against her brown skin, Celedhelwen had been conducting the coronation ceremonies for tens of thousands of years, and the immortal being appeared much the same as she always had, even down to her elaborately braided updo. Her gray eyes softened as she looked down on the young Rupella fluttering into the clearing. She remembered when the little Rupella was just a tiny baby in arms, without even her wings, and here she was, a young lady about to assume the Crown. Even the long years of the Peri lives seemed to pass in a blink of an eye to the Elves. Next to her, a stout, black haired Dwarf looked merrily at her out of his green eyes, a gentle, silver-haired fairy with ice blue eyes perched on a flower, and a crowd of green-haired Dryands, blue-haired Naiads, and purple-haired Nymphs stood around the Naiad’s Mirror.

Rupella knelt before Celedhelwen, her wingtips trembling with excitement. The ceremony passed in a blur, but she vaguely was aware of the Crown coming towards her of its own accord, as it had just last week when she had been chosen as the next Queen. Rupella was washed in water from the Naiad’s Mirror, and a lock of her hair was cut off, burned, and the ashes placed onto a scale; a reminder that her life, long it may be, would someday end and her reign would be judged by the balance of justice left in her wake. Then Rupella heard, for the first time, the Secret of the Peri Queen.

“Once, on a night much like this one here,” began Celedhelwen, “the leaders of four warring races, Peris, Elves, Dwarves, and Fairies, came together to negotiate an end to the devastation that had laid upon each other from almost the beginning of Time. Many innocent Dryands, Naiads, and Nymphs, although not involved in the wars, were lost because of the fighting, and finally, the Dryads, Naiads, and Nymphs brought the leaders of the warring races to this clearing to bring talk of peace. Many arguments ensued, and at times it seemed that peace could never be attained between the bitter enemies. But finally, inspired perhaps by a glimmer of Magic which had already begun to spring from the forest, or perhaps because she had, despite her years of hardened fighting and death-bringing, a heart that could not quite be quenched, the Peri spoke out.

‘Let there be peace at this price!’ she cried, and a silence fell upon those present. ‘Let us create here a land which will be wrought with Magic, let it permeate us and transform our beings. Let it spread, bringing Light from Darkness and Life from Death. And let the Elves, Dwarves, Fairies, Dryads, Naiads, and Nymphs become immortal, connected and bound to the Magic by a bond that transcends even death. And let the price for this peace come upon the Peris themselves, as the eldest children of the Ancient Peoples. Let our lives, lengthened though they may be, eventually be ended, and let the price of all come upon the Ruler of this cherished land, who shall be the Queen of this Periland, for not by her power does she rule the land of our peoples, but for this bitter peace, she pays the price for our misdeeds.’

This plan was agreeable to the council, and so it was that a Naiad created the spring you see here before you, a torrent of water carrying Magic through the land. And while the Elves, Dwarves, Fairies, Dryads, Naiads, and Nymphs felt within them a surging life grow within them, the transformation of their fragile bodies into powerful, immortal beings, the Peris gave a loud cry with one voice, as though a knife had been drawn their their hearts all together. The Crown was created, and Magic breathed into it, that it should find, of its own accord, one who would be able to bear it wisely and patiently, and at the wise counsel of the Dryads, bound ourselves and all present to an oath of eternal silence. 

And so, over time, the Peri, the first Queen, fell into an eternal slumber. As one last gift, the Magic turned her soul into a star, to look down over Periland for eternity so that she, too, may find her redemption in the peace. We, these same from among the Elves, Dwarves, Fairies, Dryads, Naiads, and Nymphs, are here today, as we gathered thousands of years ago, to see the price of peace befall our next Queen.

Do you, then, Rupella the Peri, accept the gift and curse of being the price of peace?”

Rupella’s wings shook. Her head was whirling and she felt dazed. She had never imagined such a history to her land. It had never occurred to anyone why the Peris should be the only mortal beings in the land; she realized now it was due to the Magic that no one had ever thought to question it! It was a startling discovery to make, and she felt as if the ground had fallen beneath her feet. Before she realized it, she found herself whispering, “Yes,” in a soft, yet slightly shaky voice.

“Will you swear, upon your life and the eternal peace of Periland, to keep all you have seen and heard in this place a carefully guarded secret?”

“Yes.”

“It is done!” said Celedhelwen. “Behold, your Queen!”

Rupella felt the Crown, which had been hovering in the air in front of her this entire time, suddenly alight itself on her head, and she suddenly collapsed to the ground and passed out.

The new but still widely unknown Queen of Periland sat on the ivy swing on the branch outside her window and looked up at the stars, her head still reeling from the secret coronation ceremony. Each the soul of a previous Peri Queen, she knew each of the stars’ names and what each had been known for during her reign, but now she also felt the knowledge of how it was that each of them had become a star upon their departure from life. It was mildly disconcerting to see the star that was her own grandmother, who had passed 48 years ago. She had been just a small babe of 6, barely able to flutter a meter off the ground, but she still remembered the gentle light emanating from her lovely grandmother’s face when she lifted her out of her cradle. Even after 48 years, Rupella knew it could be hundreds more before she got used to seeing her grandmother’s soul twinkling in the night sky, so far away and yet so seemingly close. She wondered briefly what color star her soul would be someday, and as she wondered, she fell asleep outside on the swing, the dryads creating a soft breeze from their nighttime dance around her.

Rupella awoke as the cold dawn spread her fingers across the sky and the dryads gently rocked the swing, letting her know it was time to get ready for the public ceremony. She yawned and stretched, her muscles stiff from sleeping curled up on the swing. She crawled back into her window and pulled out the long flower petal gown that the Nymphs had made for her coronation. She pulled it over her head, the soft, fragrant petals falling around her delicately. 

Her cheeks glowed, but she understood now why she could never emit her own light as did her brethren throughout the land! The price of peace was her mortality, and today she would publicly embody that peace for all. She looked around the room, already feeling a sense of nostalgia .By right of being the new Queen, she would be allowed to keep her little cottage as a place to relax and breathe, but after today, she would be living at the Palace.

Inside the palace hall, there was a hubbub of activity. The floral decorations were scattered about and a variety of individuals were rushing about to finish last minute details. The coronation of the Peri Queen was excitement to last the realm for centuries, and they intended it to be a phenomenal, memorable day.

Finally, as if by Magic (and who is to say it wasn’t?), everything was ready. Rupella entered the hall to the sound of trumpets and cheering and walked her way to the throne.

“Rupella, chosen Peri of the Crown, do you solemnly swear to rule, to the best of your abilities, with justice and mercy?” Celedhelwen solemnly asked, but with a twinkle in her eyes that only Rupella could see and understand. No matter what she answered, she was already the Peri Queen.

“I do.”

“Do you solemnly swear to treat all Peris, Elves, Dwarves, Fairies, Dryads, Naiads, and Nymphs with equality, respect, and dignity, all the days of your life?”

“I do.”

Celedhelwen turned to face Periland. “See here this Peri, chosen by the Crown to rule over us with fairness and dignity. Do you accept her?”

The crowd roared its assent. Celedhelwen picked up the Crown and turned to Rupella. But just as she was about to place the Crown on Rupella’s head, there was a commotion in the hall. A great gust of wind burst the doors open, and a dark presence filled the chamber.

Suddenly, in a swirl of wind, there stood a familiar figure. “Mother!” gasped Rupella. “You came!” She had not seen her mother in over a week, ever since the Crown had made its decision. Rupella had wondered if her mother was upset to have not been chosen, but she had dismissed the thought. She was glad to see her here now for the coronation.

And then, in a heartbeat, Rupella felt the cold, sharp blade of a knife against her throat. “Don’t move, don’t speak,” she heard Menea’s voice in her ear.

Rupella looked over, terrified at Celedhelwen, but the Elf was busy fighting off her own band of Peris, who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere and were holding her back.

The blond-haired Peri, Rupella’s mother, turned and took the Crown that one of her Peris was holding out to her. She put it on her head. “Now I, Limilla, am the Peri Queen!” she announced to the stunned, subdued crowd in the chamber. She turned to Menea, still holding Rupella back. “Banish her!”

Menea laughed as she and other Peri accomplices of Limilla dragged Rupella out of the palace. As they left, two giant crows appeared, circling the Palace and then settling on the ground beside them. Menea and the accomplices hurled Rupella onto the back of one of the crows, tying her on securely with vines of thorns. The crows took off, and carried Rupella far, far away from her realm. 


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23 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2019 4:09 am
Pomeroy wrote a review...



Oh my! This was such an exciting read. I really applaud you for this part being full of so much world building and description, but being able to keep it interesting enough to retain my attention (which is a feat all in itself haha!). Your language is so eloquent that it really makes this read very enjoyable. And there were very minimal typos/objective mistakes, so I wasn't taken out of the story at any point.

With that being said, here are the only mistakes I did catch:

"Menea could be trusted to put aside old contests aside..." You mistakenly wrote "aside" twice here.

"...a knife had been drawn their their hearts all together." The first "their" should be "through," I think.

Aside from that, I really enjoyed this. My only complaint would maybe be, I feel as though Rupella being overthrown happened very quickly. Was the only person able to help her against Menea Celedhelwen? Are there no guards or anything? Rupella's mom just swooped in and took over with little to no resistance. On the other hand, I do love how fast paced the entire scene was. I just wish it had been a little longer but still full of all the shock and exhilaration! It just felt too easy. But maybe that's just me.

But again, this was an amazing read! It kept me interested, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I literally gasped when I read that Menea betrayed Rupella. I assumed we could trust the narrator's judgement that Menea was able to be trusted, but you totally proved me wrong, and it was so nice to legitimately be shocked by this story!

I'm excited to read and review the next part, and see how Rupella regains the thrown!

Great writing!

- Pom




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Mon May 27, 2019 12:08 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Heyo toboldlygo! Morri here to rescue you from the Green Room!

This took me a second to get into, but I ended up enjoying this quite a bit. I haven't read a fairy story in a while, and this really made me kind of nostalgic. The way you use language fits the story, and I like the imagery you provide us with.

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address.

Rupella stretched her arms wide and gave a little hop-spin, her wings catching her movment and propelling her just slightly higher into the air as her little flower-petal skirt swished delicately around her legs.
That's one sentence. There are so many descriptors in this one sentence that it's really hard to get through. And honestly, that's not a great way to start your story. Try taking out everything unneeded. Streamline it. This is something I recommend a lot with poetry, but this piece could really benefit from it. It takes a fine toothed comb and a bit of time, but it's not difficult once you get the hang of it. The first step is stripping everything away, and then if you need to change words to get more meaning out of them, you can do that. Let me show you with this sentence!
Rupella stretched her arms and gave a hop-spin, her wings propelling her higher into the air as her petal skirt swished around her legs.
Honestly, you don't really need to change any words here because the language you use is specific enough already that you just needed to cut some of the excess off. That sentence is much more streamlined and focuses on the cute hop-spin instead of bogging us down with all those adverbs. Try doing this with the rest of your piece. The rest is not nearly as difficult to get through, language-wise, but there are instances of wordiness that could be fixed.

Try breaking up your info dump with a little more action. Perhaps some dialogue? Rupella stopping somewhere on the way to the ceremony? A little description of something to anchor the scenes before the ceremony is needed. Otherwise, we're bogged down in the Peri history book.

I'm a little unclear on how the Peris are paying for everyone's mistakes. They're mortal, but like, isn't that not really a punishment? They seem happy enough. Except mom. And she's not really mentioned that much until the very end. Some things just aren't connecting for me. Honestly, while this is only a 2 part story, I'd consider extending it into a novella. I haven't read the second part yet, but the amount of worldbuilding in this part alone is enough to warrant more words spread out over more space and more actions. This feels like drinking Kool-Aid that doesn't have enough water in it. It's full of flavor! But to really enjoy it we need a little more water mixed in or we'll die of sugar shock.

he branches of their trees making a tepid breeze
I know you mean tepid to mean lukewarm, but the connotation of tepid is that it's still or unmoving as well. I don't think that's what you wanted to communicate here, since the breeze is moving. Perhaps lukewarm or pleasant would work better as an adjective here.

yet there was a part of her that was also trepid
Did you mean trepidatious? Trepid is actually just the adjective form of the root, and here "trepid" is trying to function as a noun. Trepidatious is the noun form.

[quote]Finally, as if by Magic[quote] "as if by magic" usually refers to something being done suddenly, so I feel like "finally" doesn't really function here. It stood out to me as a bit of a contradiction, so I figured I'd point it out for you.

Overall, I enjoyed this, and I'm about to go read Part 2! You ended this part at a good time. Cliffhangers are my favorite! I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, and keep YWSing! See you in Part 2.




Toboldlygo says...


Thank you so much! I'll go over it and apply what you said :)



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Thu May 02, 2019 9:55 pm
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FruityBickel wrote a review...



Hi, Oliver here to review! Sorry this is a day late.

First off, I applaud your style of language. It really brings a feeling to the writing that more modern sounding choice of words wouldn't; it really lends itself to the lore of the story. The descriptions are great and the back story is good.

However, sometimes description can be a little too much. It feels like you're throwing everything at me, the reader, all at once; I feel like it would be better if it were distributed over later chapters, or even later in the same chapter instead of being given all in one block of text.

Speaking of blocks of text, my next critique is that the paragraphs (for me, anyway), are way too long. It's a bit unfriendly to people with disabilities who can't handle reading large blocks of text, and in other cases your reader might get bored with such long passages. It might be better to break the text up a bit more.

I do like the plot twist of having her mother preform a coup on the day of the public coronation. It really sets up the conflict and leaves the chapter on a nice cliffhanger so that your reader wants to read more.

Good job, and keep writing.

Thanks,

LordStar




Toboldlygo says...


Thank you! :)



Toboldlygo says...


I broke up the paragraphs a bit more. Thanks for pointing that out!




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