Young Writers Society

Hi, Tobold!

This is a fun piece! It was very playful, and I certainly enjoyed it. You have some adorable characters. I just want to pinch their cheeks! *pinches their cheeks*

I jump out of bed and pull on my clothes, soft leather pants and a lose top, I am waterproof and will be protected from any injuries inflicted by the sheep.

At first, I was confused as to why you were giving us a laundry list of what they were wearing. But then I realized you said waterproof, so I wondered if that was the reason. But... that outfit isn't waterproof. D: And how is leather soft? xD Wouldn't it still get water stains? And the top sounds like it wouldn't be waterproof (and also didn't sound very protective). I dunno. That all confused me!

I scarf down my food like a hungry wolf cub. "Slow down!" my mother laughs. "You have plenty of time! The others aren't even down yet!" her blue eyes twinkle as she brushes a lock of my red hair away from my face.

Exclamation point abuse! Don't write all your sentences with exclamation points! It makes it sound like the person's shouting! Do I sound like I'm shouting at you?! I mean, I think I at least have my voice raised!

Additionally, I realize the grammar's not up to snuff. Simple capitalization isn't even being recognized! D:

I look up. "You said that I was late!" I say. She just grins, her smile the same crooked cockiness that I have, and I have to smile back.

I don't know if I appreciated the goofiness of that. BUT. That doesn't mean it's bad. It seems like an excuse to extend some dialogue between them. However, if it's in mom's character to lie/goof off like that, then make sure to continue that habit through the story. It reinforces her character then.

I give her a look. "Mother, I would really prefer not hearing about being knocked unconscious." My mother's smile grows wider. "I was a tiny little thing" she says casually.

Another bad grammar habit! When a new person speaks, put them in their own paragraph. That way, the reader isn't confused about who's talking.

"BREAKFAST!" my brother shouts.

Does brother always get this excited for breakfast?

So overall!

I think the piece could be livened up a bit more. It sounds very cardboard. There isn't much feeling breathed into it. What I mean is that I don't feel like I'm part of the action. I don't feel like I'm in this world with your characters. I feel like it's a bedtime story being told to me. (Yes, one about sheep-shearing... xD)

So while I'd say more description, I'd want to emphasize that the description should matter. Make it count. Help the reader get into the story, feel a part of the world, like they're following in the MC's footsteps. Keep us interested in what you're saying.

There was some character quirks that I also would recommend cleaning up. The MC, for example, is excitable. However, she's quiet at one moment, then the next, she's jabbering away like... well, like a JabberHut. It's weird! Keep them all in character. Put yourself in their shoes and figure out who they are as a person, not just as a character. They're real (fake) people, and the only way to write them effectively is to believe they're real. That way, they're portrayed realistically, and the reader can relate to them better. Yay, sympathy!

Those are all the things I found. I think it's adorable. It was fun to read!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there.

Here to review, unasked for but hopefully not unwanted! ;P

Your grammar structure is good, this I'll start out by saying. The piece doesn't really catch my eye though. Probably because I'm not into sheep-shearing, or, for that matter, realistic stuff at all xD.

It's okay, just maybe describe the 'outside' a wee bit more? Just a thought, this. I particularly like the animal references in your similes, but they can get a little bit heavy/repetitive after a while.

One tiny nit-pick:

"I was a tiny little thing" she says casually.

There should be a comma, like so: "(..) thing,"she says casually.

This is a correct chapter, but fails to draw me in, I repeat.

Hope this helped,
~Ita