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Dear Universe

by TobilloTheTinyTurtle


Dear Universe,

You're a song,

a musical that plays on.

No beginning, no end, no plot,

You sweep us off our feet 

until we rot.

You're incomplete, you lack

the necessities of wholeness.

You simply take pieces and jab them together

in hopes that they distract...

But in all fairness.

We are meant to give you the signs 

to add new sounds--

to add new grounds.

For the great unfinished symphony.

I wish to be a part of this.

I wish to touch the surface.

As those surrounding me take their places,

help me find mine.

My special note in the melody--

My special moment in time--

My special beat--in the great unfinished symphony.

Voiceless, yes

Wordless, yes

But beautiful, nonetheless.

Astounding to look at,

aesthetically pleasing, so please.

Let me take my part.

Let me make my mark.

Love, 

Toby


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8 Reviews


Points: 369
Reviews: 8

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Thu May 16, 2019 7:43 pm
BailorAsh wrote a review...



This piece is beautiful! I enjoyed all the musical metaphors used in it, and I could feel the rhythm in my head as I read it. I’m not sure about the ending - it felt a bit abrupt, but considering it’s being phrased as a letter, this also sort of works with the style of the poem. Something else I think I should point out is that the line “great unfinished symphony” also appears in a song from the musical Hamilton. I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but that might be something to edit out if you don’t want a reader’s mind jumping to a different work when they read your writing. Overall I really enjoyed the poem and the imagery you used.






I didn't even realize the connection to Hamilton, thank you for pointing that out! I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading



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542 Reviews


Points: 30484
Reviews: 542

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Wed May 15, 2019 9:10 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start with the thing I saw that could be fixed.
So this poem was really well written, but I think you need to put some of your lines into paragraphs. So it dosen't sound like such a mouth full when reading it. Ans it will make the flow better.
If you don't know hoe to put them in paragraphs then here is how I do it. So you press enter then you go ... then you press enter again and you can keep writing.

But other than that I really liked your poem, it had a good message behind it, and it told a good story at the same time. I really like long poems, so I really enjoyed yours. Another thing I really liked about your poem was that your said.

Love,
Toby

At the end, it just made it feel a little more real and easier to see that it was the end of the poem.
Your spelling and punctuation was also done really well, nothing to say about that.

Over all this poem was thought through, and it had an beginning and ending. I'm really glad I got the chance to read and review your work for you. I hope you will post more on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.






I'll definitely experiment with the paragraph thing, thank you so much for the suggestion!





No problem! Glad I could help out.





No problem! Glad I could help out.



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114 Reviews


Points: 7140
Reviews: 114

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Wed May 15, 2019 2:26 am
FabihaNeera says...



Hello,

This is really nicely written! I love the concept of a song you used to describe how the universe feels to us. The words flow nicely together... and I can also see some imagery here! THe overall idea is just well done.

Keep Writing. :)






I'm so glad you liked it, I definitely will!




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