First of all I would like to excuse/explain the title. It has nothing to do with the story, other than that I started writing it one day when I was bored. I have returned to read and edit the story a few times, but I never got around to change the title, and now it's pretty much stuck
I was not sure how to rate this, so I clicked PG-13, just to be on the safe side. I also wasn't sure which category to put it in
Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
THE RESULT OF MY BOREDOM
She wandered aimlessly through the forest, smelling the pines and the oaks. How she loved the smell, tingling her senses.
She found a large rock on the ground, and chose to rest her legs a bit. The rising sun shone in the distance, but not much light reached her through the closely spaced trees around her. The forest was dimly lit, and the air still cool from the recent night’s biting cold. A few birds were up early, already calling each other.
A mild wind stroked her exposed face, carrying with it the scent of the forest. Eyes closed, she enjoyed everything about the situation: the feel of the ground below her and the air around her. The smells of the beautiful forest around her, with all its many different trees, the sound of the wind rustling the leaves, the sound of animals calling each other; everything about it, she loved.
With her, she carried nothing but her clothes, as the forest provided her with all she needed. She did not like killing animals, but fruits and berries were in abundance in these parts of the world - indeed a strange mix of plants, trees, animals and landscapes. The only thing she had to fear was the occasional predator, roaming the forest she called home, but she did not worry.
“I will have to leave shortly,” she said to the forest, as if the trees understood her. “My family will be worried if I do not return”. She got to her feet and started walking again, not noticing the creature watching her from behind.
She was a girl of the nature, loving every living being as her equal, it be humans or animals. She did not mind hunters at all, they had just as much right to kill the animals of the forest as the predators had, she just chose not to.
Soon after, she got to a clearing. It was round of shape, almost a perfect circle, with a large rock in the middle. “It must be man-made,” she thought; as she sat down once again, “it looks like an altar of some sort”. She brushed her hand over the hard rock, following the carvings with a finger. “Long since abandoned I guess”. The sun was now higher on the sky behind her. She looked at the shadow she cast upon the ground in front of her, smiling slightly.
The creature from before came ever closer, sneaking through the forest with barely a sound. It had its eyes on the girl in front of it, still deciding what to do. When presented with very few options, it chose the simpler one: attack. Slowly, it rose from the ground, not noticing the shadow it too cast on the ground in front of it.
She stared for a second on the appearing shadow, trying to figure out what it was. As she was about to turn around the creature attacked, striking her shoulder. Sharp teeth pierced her skin, and she let out a terrified scream of agony and fear. However, before long she had other things to worry about as she felt the coils of the giant snake pinning her arms to her side. She gasped and inhaled deeply, not considering the foolishness of this act. Had the snake any wish to crush her, it would have no trouble in doing so. The snake let go of her shoulder, but before it could squeeze the life out of her, she spoke aloud: “Wait!” The snake looked at its victim.
“Who are you to make demands?” the snake asked, flicking its tongue at her, getting a taste of its next meal. The girl exhaled in a sigh of relief, only to notice the obvious error. She was surprised to find that the snake did not tighten its coils around her.
“Just a girl, dear snake, a girl surprised and impressed.” She said with a smile. She had noticed the snake’s voice had been the one of a female, not that it mattered much to her.
“But why, little girl, do you deny me my meal?” the snake asked, an irritated tone in her voice.
“I deny you nothing, dear snake.” The girl said with a smile. Her impending death seemed not to bother her, nor did the bleeding wound in her shoulder.
“Then will you not let me eat in peace, as it was my plan. Do you not accept your fate as prey in this world of hunters and hunted, you, who ventured into my domain?” the snake asked. Not waiting for an answer, it once again tightened its coils around the girl and opened its mouth, eager to fill its empty stomach. She got a frightening glimpse of what was to come, if she did not find a way to escape the clutch of the snake. “Wait!” she said, fighting for breath. Once again, the snake did as she said. Mouth closed again, and coils loosening enough for the girl to breathe; it looked with anticipation at the girl.
“What is it now, silly girl, why do you reject your fate with such strong will?” the snake asked, once again annoyed with the girl. Why could she not just face death like so many before her?
“I’ve sought to find a creature, be it human or not, with a mind like yours. I am no ordinary human girl, as you might have guessed by now. I am talking to you for one, and you are talking to me. Can you say it’s not new to you, without lying to yourself and me?” asked the girl, with a smirk on her face.
“I have many times heard silly reasons for me to spare their lives, as I held them in my tight embrace. Why, little girl, should I not ignore you like so many before you?” asked the snake, flicking its tongue at her again.
“I am not pleading for you to spare me, dear snake, merely to wait. Is that too much to ask?” asked the girl, looking sad all of a sudden. She tried moving her arms, but the snake’s coils held them trapped along with the rest of her body.
The snake smiled the best it could. “Give it up little girl, I have you where I want you, you cannot escape my coils. Every moment spent waiting is as lost to me. You have yet to provide a reason why I should not kill you right away.”
“Release me, dear snake; I will not flee from you,” she said in a calm voice, while still trying to free her arms from the coils, as they were beginning to ache.
“I have no reason to release you, little girl, when I have you where I want. Mark my words, silly girl, if you try to escape, I will kill you without hesitation.” The snake said, as it loosened its coils, letting her move freely once more. “Don’t disappoint me,” she warned, never letting the girl out of her sight.
“Thank you, dear snake; I will not break my promise,” she said with a smile, before she sat down. Though she had not used her legs all this time, as the snake’s coils held her up, they were no use to her as it was. She was nervous and it clearly showed on her forehead, as droplets of sweat.
“Now, little girl, do you mind telling me why I should allow you to move freely?” the snake asked, moving its head closer to the girl, looking at her with its unblinking eyes. Its tongue showed itself once again, as it flicked up and down.
“It is hard to concentrate when in such a situation, surely you must understand. You have many times looked into the eyes of your pray, seeing their innermost fears. I do not fear death, though I do fear that others will never know your beauty, for that, dear snake, is what you are. Beautiful like nothing I have ever seen,” she said with another smile.
“Your words mean nothing to me, silly girl. I cannot allow myself to think of those I kill, and I cannot allow myself to have second thoughts. I’ll admit to one thing though, you are unique in many ways, but not in any way that means anything to me.” The snake said, as it slithered around the girl once, twice, imprisoning her, leaving no means of escape.
“Thank you, dear snake.” The girl said as she got to her feet, already feeling better again. Free from the coils of the snake, she started to notice the burning sensation in her shoulder. Coloured red by her blood, it ached like nothing she had ever felt. Just thinking of it made her dizzy and a bit nauseous.
“Lucky and talkative... two words that describe you very well, but maybe weak should fit you better?” the snake asked in a teasing manner, laughing in her mind at the pain she had caused the girl. None of them had noticed the intruder coming from behind the snake.
“I see no luck in this.” She said in a sad voice. “You laugh all you want, but please don’t insult me further.”. She looked up from the spot on the ground, which she had been studying to avoid the stare of the snake. It was then she saw the intruder, arms raised and ready to strike. “DOWN!” she yelled at the snake. As before, the snake obeyed, throwing its head towards the ground, just in time to avoid an arrow, aimed at the back of its head. The arrow, missing its target, hit the girl instead, piercing her already wounded shoulder. The girl, who had already gone numb from the snake’s bite, felt no further pain, but she passed out nevertheless. Meanwhile, the snake had turned its head towards the hunter. He was about to ready another arrow when the snake closed her jaws around his head and caught him in her deadly embrace. She smiled and let her lower jaw drop, giving him a short glimpse of what was to come. All her anger and frustration empowered her, crushing the poor man more than necessary.
The girl woke up again, finding herself in a small puddle of her own blood, and with a broken arrow in her shoulder. On the ground as she was, she could not see anything but treetops and the blue sky above. “What have I gotten myself into,” she thought, as she sat up with much effort, weakened by her wounds.
“What is with you, little girl?” the snake asked, for she was still to be found in the clearing.
“What do you mean, dear snake?” she asked, confused by the snake’s question.
“You saved my life when it could have been your escape, and even after my promise to kill you. Have you forgotten why we are here?” the snake said, equally confused.
“I couldn’t let him destroy your beauty like that. He was a hunter, yes, but hunters like him do not hunt your kind. He was undoubtedly trying to save me from you.” With this last sentence, she looked around to see where the young man had disappeared. “Did you...?” she asked, but she could not finish the question.
“He tried to kill me, silly girl, he was a hunter. I am a predator, I feed on your kind when chance is, and this was such a chance. He was weak, not unlike you, and I had yet to fill my empty stomach. Did I eat him? No,” she once more gave her a sinister smile. “But I did kill him, if that was your question. I couldn’t have let him go, not after this.”
The girl listened to what the snake had to say, before opening her mouth again. “I understand. Even snakes have to eat in order to live, and for the same reason, I haven’t denied you your meal.”
“You are thinking quite much of yourself, aren’t you? Speaking as if you could change anything. Had I wanted to kill you before, I would have, and I don’t see why I should let you leave this clearing alive.”
“The choice is fully yours, dear snake, I know that.” She stepped closer to the snake. “Will you allow me to touch you?” she asked, not giving any explanation as to why her heart desired such.
“I see no reason why you shouldn’t, but neither do I see a reason for you to do so.” The snake replied with no change in her tone. Nevertheless, she kept a watchful eye out for the girl, making sure she had her where she wanted.
Not saying another word, the girl stepped closer once more, raising a hand to the snakes head, gently stroking the scales. “Marvellous,” she thought, as she looked closer and moved along the full length of the snake, feeling the muscular body of the predator.
The snake followed her every move closely. This girl was beginning to tire her, and she moved closer. “What are you doing this for?” the snake asked, slightly annoyed by the lack of explanation.
“If I am to die soon, I might as well enjoy my last moment, do you not agree?” she said, and turned to face the snake again. “I always thought that I would die as an old woman, I see now that I was ever so wrong. Oh, I almost forgot,” she said, as she once more noticed the arrow in her shoulder. “No reason for this to stay, it will just be in your way.” She smiled at the snake again, before closing her eyes and carefully pulling out the arrow, trying her best to ignore the pain.
“Stop playing tricks with me, little girl, I do not want guilt to haunt me!” the snake warned. Startled, the girl stepped back, tripping over the large body of the snake and landing on the ground.
“Sorry, dear snake, it was never my intention to offend you.” As she got to her feet again, she brushed off the dirt of her clothing. In a matter of seconds, she found herself caught by the coils of the snake once again, arms pinned to her side.
“Enough of this nonsense!” the snake said with anger in its voice and evil in its stare. It once again opened its mouth to show the dark passage, which had led many before her towards their death.
“Please, dear snake, do not crush me slowly. I could not bear to suffer like that, anything but. Let my end be quick should this be my time,” she begged, tears filling her eyes. Panicking, she tried to free her arms, but to no use this time either, as the snake just tightened its coils.
“Silence, silly girl, who are you to make demands? I give you a choice now, so choose, either way suits me fine.” The snake said, angered yet satisfied with the situation.
“Then, dear snake, crush me now, differ not from your usual way of life. I face death now, with acceptance, and as promised I will not try to flee, even if I could.” The girl said. It was not her intention to fight the snake, but an uncontrollable part of her wanted to escape. Make no mistake; she wanted to live, but face to face with this fearsome being, she had given up on hope.
“Breathe out, little girl, and I will tighten my grip. Breathe out, little girl, and I will squeeze you to death. Breathe out, little girl, and you will meet your end.” The girl was holding her breath, hoping to the end that she would live to see another day. When at last she could hold her breath no longer, she spoke aloud.
“Please, dear snake.” She pleaded, but the anticipated squeeze stopped her before she could continue. As it had warned, the snake tightened its coils, depriving the girl of the ability to inhale. Slowly, everything went black for the girl. She was afraid, as anyone would have been in her place, but did not show it, as she succumbed to the darkness enveloping her. The snake looked at its prey, savouring the moment. About to finish the deed, swallowing the girl whole, she began to doubt and stopped.
“I despise you, little girl, for I cannot eat you. What am I doing? There is no room for mercy in the game of hunter and hunted, but you saved my life.” The snake thought to herself, as she loosened her coils around the girl. “Her heart is still beating, though all signs of life are faint. Why, oh why did you save my life, little girl, I do not like this situation. I cannot let you die just yet.” The snake placed its body close to the girl, as a shield from the wind. What a strange situation this was. It was unusual, never done before, at least to her knowledge. A predator protecting its prey, but she felt guilty, even though she did not want to. Her feelings were out of control, but she could not help thinking, that maybe her heart was not as cold as she thought. There is no place for mercy or guilt in this world as a predator, as it will just as surely kill you, as the sun will rise and set in due time.
The girl woke up to the sight of starlight and the glowing moon above. “What is this?” she said to herself, not moving, fearing what would happen. Had it all been a dream? Had she not faced death, and lost? These thoughts haunted her mind.
“Ah, you are awake.” A familiar voice said. The girl jumped to her feet, terrified at what she had heard.
“What is the meaning of this, did I just die, or was it my imagination playing tricks on me, and is this still my own mind’s doing?” she asked, eyes going right and left, in search of answers that were nowhere to be found
The snake lifted its head from the ground to look at the now standing girl. “You did not die, though it was my intention. I let you live, despite my hunger. You saved my life, and even though mercy has no place in this world, guilt is nothing I can control.” The snake said, and turned its head the other way.
“Thank you, dear snake, for sparing my life.” The girl said, but the snake suddenly interrupted.
“Do not thank me, girl! I do not wish to remember this day, for other reasons than to learn from my mistakes. I should have killed you when we first met, and not let you speak a single word.” The snake looked at her before continuing. “Leave now child, leave before I change my mind. Do not come across me again, as such a meeting will be your death. I am a predator of this world, feared by many, and I do not want it know that I have spared a child’s life. Should I feel hunger when seeing you again, this encounter will be forgotten, and you will be just another meal to me.” With these words, she slithered away into the forest from whence she came.
“Okay,” she said as she watched the snake slither away and disappear. Soon after she too left the clearing, pondering.
She walked through the forest, heading home. She smelled the pines and the oaks around her. How she loved the smell of the woods, even more so than previously, as the cool nightly air also soothed her body and mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I've added some changes here and there, but I'm not all done yet. Still, you are very welcome to give critique.
I want to thank Andimlovegalore (again) for the review, which was the cause for most of the changes.
I have included the original, in case anyone should want to read it (and also partly for my own amusement).
Hi, I saw you didn't have a very detailed review here so I thought I'd jump in. Just open the word document in the attachment and there's your detailed review! I have some more general things that I'll say here.
You repeat words a lot, and that's bad. You shouldn't have the same word twice in a sentence, not even in one sentence after another (apart from unavoidable words, of course), because it is noticable to the reader and kind of wakes you up from what you are reading to the real world, you remember you're just reading a story.
Your speech is a bit weird, try and see what changes I've made to help you with that.
I did like this story, although I have been quite harsh in my review! It is very original and interesting, like a sinister fairy story. The idea of nature being ovecome by words is intriguing, I love the concept. What I want most of all is more emotion in the story. More fear and sadness and joy. When the snake tries to eat her, I want to feel really scared that she will die, when the hunter dies and she is left in danger again, I want to feel sadness for his death, regret that she's still in such trouble, and also to feel a bit proud at what she did. When she is still alive at the end the joy of feeling the forest again should be reaching out to me from your writing. You're ALMOST there, I just didn't quite feel it.
I think it went on too long, the conversations between the girl and the snake were a bit circular if you know what I mean, just the same thing over and over. I know repetition was a theme here, but you do it too much.
Basically, I love the idea, but I didn't really feel it. If you edited this, I would probably really enjoy it. Just try and put more sensory stuff in through the middle and lots lots lots more emotional stuff.
If you have any questions just ask me I'll be happy to answer. And if you redo this I'd love to read it, so PM me if you do ^_^
Well, thank you for the compliment, but is there by any chance anything else you, or someone else might want to add to that?
It is very interesting and unusual. I liked your description of nature very much.