Prologue
'Congratulation!You have been accepted'
Mila read the sentence for the millionth time today.She couldn't believe that she has been accepted to a job!She expand the magixpad screen to read the rest of the letter.
Dear Ms. Scovellyn,
Congratulation!You have been accepted.You have pass the following criterias on becoming a lovemaker.
1.You have agree to complete your mission no matter how hard it is.
2.You have agree to make people fall in love HAPPILY.
3.You have agree to lead the lovers not CONTROL them.
4.You will not use your magic power.
5.You must work with the assigned partner without any objections.
The other parts of this letter is with your partner.
Mila glanced down the bottom of the letter and saw the name of her partner. "John Movelle?!!!!" Her mind screams. She read on.
You must find your partner following this address: 31 Parker street...
She did not need to read the rest of the address. She dashed out the front door with an incredible speed. She was sure that it was him. Him that leaves a scar in her heart...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This is so original. I absolutely love this. I definetley want to read more about this. The one thing I am kind of confused about is this like a prostitution thing or what? I love the magic part, I am assuming she is a witch or wizard or something. But I love so much the last line
"Him that leaves a scar in her heart"
So beautiful and deep, it is so much like most relationships these days with the emotional scaring they can do. Keep on writing, and I can't wait to read more.
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
Now I'll move on to the review.
I applaud you for your originality! I’ve never read a story like this one before. The premise sounds promising and your idea has a lot of potential. It’s now a matter of executing it well. Your prologue was short and sweet – enough to get me hooked.
Let’s focus on the improvements:
1. You should always have a space after punctuation. For example: instead of, ‘Congratulations!You have been accepted’, it should be, ‘Congratulations! You have been accepted’. Can you see how neat it looks?
2. You have missing commas and periods/full stops. I’d ask you to read over your work to spot them.
3. I’d suggest you to put the letter in Italics to avoid any confusion. The reader will be able to clearly distinguish between the character and what she's reading.
4. You could give us an insight into her thoughts and feelings; be a little more descriptive to prolong the scene, so it doesn’t feel as if it ended too quickly. For example, when she opened the letter, her heart pounded against her chest, or she breathed unevenly. Maybe, doubts raced in her head, questions flying about. It’ll engage your readers more.
Overall, very good attempt. I enjoyed reading it.
Please let me know when you begin to post chapters. I’d love to review them!
Well done, and keep writing!
WOAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Epic. Love it. Hehe. Get it? 'Love' it?
Hey, Will here, for a review of this epic sounding chapter. From when I first read it, I knew I would love it. And guess what? I DID! I absolutely loved it. It's such a great introductory chapter in the way that you subliminally reveal to the reader what the world is like.
An example of that is this:
This automatically tells the reader that the book is going to be sci-fi, supernatural sort of thing. Complete thumbs up on that!
Now onto the real part of the review. This work was very nice, as I said before, but there are quite a few things I would like to cover for you to fix up.
Firstly, your title. It should state clearly in the title if it is a: chapter, prologue, epilogue, or a short. This rule especially applies to prologues and epilogues because think about it; wouldn't 'Mission 1: Trouble Lover' sound so much cooler as a chapter title, rather than a prologue?
Even if you don't want to change it, please add a space between the colon and the word 'Trouble'. Oh, and if you change it, you won't need the 'Prologue' at the start of the piece.
First off, a very interesting starting sentence. It engages the reader very well. Again, thumbs up for that! But there are a few mistakes here as well:
'Congratulations! You have been accepted!'
Double spaces seem like a common thing in your work.
...millionth time today. She couldn't believe...
...been accepted to a job! She expanded the
mMagixpPad screen...^ Those two corrections were just extra spaces, fixing up the past tense, and making magixpad a proper noun.
Now, I see that you include a letter in your story, but I think to make it clearer that it is a letter, italicise it, and it'll look more professional.
[i]Dear Ms. Scovellyn...[/i]
Now in the letter there are a few repetitive mistakes, so I don't think this is a proofreading mistake. Hopefully, you'll learn from this experience.
Congratulations !You have been accepted. You have to pass the following criterias
onfor becoming a lovemaker.Again...spaces and tense problems.
1. You have to agree to complete...
Spaces again. And an extra 'to'.
2. You have to agree to make..
Ditto.
3. You have to agree to lead the lovers, not CONTROL them.
An extra comma.
4. You will not use your magical powers.
Just a slight change.
5. You must...
And finally, an extra space.
The other parts of this letter
isare with your partner.*end italics*
"John Movelle?!"
Hher mind...*continue italics*
You must find your partner
following thisin the following address: 31 Parker street...*end italics*
*end review*
Woaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Epic. Awesome. Brilliant. Fantastic. Well, looks like I've got another series to follow
Now, since you're less than one day old on this site, this review wasn't harsh at all. But a few things to keep in mind:
1. Proofread your work. Check for spaces.
2. Use online grammar checkers to help you spot out areas which have been tense mixed.
3. Title your work properly.
A few tips about YWS:
1. Keep your wall updated!
2. Say hi! Get out there in the community.
3. Have fun.
I hope you enjoyed this review. I can't wait for Chapter 1 of the book.
-willachilles