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The book of 1,000 lives, Chapter 1 Violet's school day

by TinyMochi


Once there was a girl named Violet, Violet was a fourteen-year-old girl, she had light brown hair and green eyes, she had 2 little brothers, twin brothers to be realistic. Violet lived in a small town in Florida, it always smelled of the ocean ware she lived, she lived with her mother, her father died from 1,000 tons falling on him, no one really noes how 1,000 tunes fell on him, because all he was doing was walking back from a store only 20 minutes away from his house, he died when Violet was only 6, and now she is 14 and her two twin brothers are eight.

“Violet time for school! VIOLET!!” yelled Violets mom, Violet was still asleep from last night’s little party,

“Violet, now!” Mrs. Olestra yelled again, then Violets Huskie dog went up to give here a warm wake up call, so her Huskie, named Sparrow because he was the color of a sparrow, he went up the stairs to Violets room and then he peed on her foot.

“SPARROW!!!” yelled Violet, then right after Violet yelled at Sparrow, Sparrow ran right down the stairs. Then after that pleasant wake up, Violet got dressed for school, in her favorite red flannel unbuttoned, with a black tank top under, then she put on her denim pants, and did her fin brown hair in a braid and then put on a little bit of mascara then went down stars to eat some toast.

“Okay mom the bus is here got to go, love you, ‘bye.” said Violet.

“Oh, honey, wait for Henry and Jackson!” yelled Mrs. Olestra, Henry and Jackson were Violet’s little eight-year-old twin brothers.

“Fine! But do I have to?!”

“YES! Now get out that door before I make Sparrow pee on you again!” yelled Mrs. Olestra, so Violet went out to the bus with her little brothers.

“Good morning, Lucy, how was the shower you did not tack this morning?” said Violet in a sarcastic way to the bus driver named Lucy.

“Yeah, yeah, get in the back!” yelled Lucy.

“Okay, Okay, quiet down, Mrs. Happy-la-la-day.” so Violet climbed into the back row of the bus, to her best friend, Sarah.

“Hey, Sarah, how are you this fine morning? did you get passed Lucy unharmed? because if so, lucky you, not many people do!” said Violet.

“Yes, I am fine, Violet, I am alive aren’t I?” said Sarah.

“I think so.” said Violet, then when they got to their school, Violet saw something vary strange.


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Sun Jun 04, 2017 4:56 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



The grammar and spelling need work. I'm not going into every little error, but you use "fin" once when you mean "find". Also, there are a lot of run-on sentences. Those are okay in moderation, but when used to this degree, they're distracting.
You use a bit of an infodump by telling us about Violet, her appearance, and her family. This could be better integrated into the story.
I liked the humor, and I'm intrigued by the plot. Keep writing, and maybe go back to improve this. :)




TinyMochi says...


Ya this was my first work I believe, it was awful :I thanks for the review :)



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Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:48 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, TropicalLove (fellow Wings of Fire nerd)! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Just warning you, I'm a pretty harsh reviewer, so bear with me here as I keep going on and on and on and on because I also like to rant oh my goodness I'm ranting now I probably should stop ranting XP

Grammar:

So I noticed a LOT of grammar errors, but I'm really good at that stuff so I'll help you with that unlike the other guys below.

Once there was a girl named Violet, Violet was a fourteen-year-old girl, she had light brown hair and green eyes, she had 2 little brothers, twin brothers to be realistic.


I think the first comma should be a period. You also don't really need to put down her description: the description is actually a very stereotypical Violet-looking girl. Before "she had 2 little brothers" there should be an "and" and instead of "realistic" it should be "exact". Also, most people put down the full spelling of a number unless it's more than three digits. It makes it seem more adult.

Violet lived in a small town in Florida, it always smelled of the ocean ware she lived, she lived with her mother, her father died from 1,000 tons falling on him, no one really noes how 1,000 tunes fell on him, because all he was doing was walking back from a store only 20 minutes away from his house, he died when Violet was only 6, and now she is 14 and her two twin brothers are eight.


This is a run-on sentence with a lot of other grammar errors. I'll break it down for ya:

*Instead of a comma after "Florida", it should be a semicolon.

*Instead of the first comma there should be a semicolon.

*The second comma should be a period.

*The first "she" should be capitalized, as it's now the beginning of a new sentence.

*"she lived with her mother" should be a sentence by itself.

*"her father died from 1,000 tons falling on him" should be a sentence by itself as well. Also, you should put the tidbit that she was 6 when he died right after this.

*"no one" should be capitalized now and it should be "no-one".

*"noes" should be "knows".

*"tunes"-- I think you meant "tons".

*You don't really need the thing about how he was walking home from a store only 20 minutes away... maybe put instead "all he was doing was walking home from grocery shopping".

*Should be instead of "he died when Violet was only 6, and now she is 14 and her two twin brothers are eight" you should probably put down "Now she is 14 and her two twin brothers are eight."

“Violet time for school! VIOLET!!” yelled Violets mom, Violet was still asleep from last night’s little party,


This was abrupt. You should write something like: "Now it is the morning, 8 years after her father's death-" Although you are the author; you can do what you want.

Also, you should put the first "Violet" in a separate sentence as well as "yelled Violets mom." "Violets" should have an apostrophe inside of it. Instead of "Violet was still asleep from last night’s little party", it should probably be "Violet was still asleep because of the party she went to last night". The last comma should be a period. Is there something wrong with your computer that, instead of periods, it puts commas instead?

Anyways.

“Violet, now!” Mrs. Olestra yelled again, then Violets Huskie dog went up to give here a warm wake up call, so her Huskie, named Sparrow because he was the color of a sparrow, he went up the stairs to Violets room and then he peed on her foot.


After "Mrs. Olestra yelled again" it should be a period again. I actually like the way that you put "Mrs. Olestra". It tells you Violet's last name without having it right there. It makes the reader think a little.

After that, there should be a new paragraph. "then" should be capitalized because now it's a part of a new sentence, "Violets" needs to have an apostrophe again, and I'm pretty sure that "Huskie" should be "Husky". "here" should be "her". You don't need to put down why Sparrow's named Sparrow. You also don't need the "he" after "sparrow", or the "then he" after "and".

((Therefore, it should be: "Violet's Husky dog went up to give her a warm wake up call, so her Husky, named Sparrow, went up the stairs to Violet's room and peed on her foot."))

“SPARROW!!!” yelled Violet, then right after Violet yelled at Sparrow, Sparrow ran right down the stairs. Then after that pleasant wake up, Violet got dressed for school, in her favorite red flannel unbuttoned, with a black tank top under, then she put on her denim pants, and did her fin brown hair in a braid and then put on a little bit of mascara then went down stars to eat some toast.


You don't need the three exclamation marks... two would suit the situation just fine. After the first "Violet" there should be a comma. Then add a new paragraph, as the second part's not dialogue or the actions of what the character is doing during that dialogue. You don't need the "then", so the "right" could be capitalized. After the first "Sparrow", there should be a "so" to link the sentence together. Again, the "then" shouldn't be there. After "school" there should be a period, not a comma.

In the next part, you should put some words like "she threw on" before "in her favorite". "unbuttoned" should be in parenthesis to make it flow better. "under" should be "underneath". After that it should be a period and not a comma. "then" should be capitalized because it's a new sentence. You don't need to write the "fin brown" hair part... we don't need that. You don't need the "then" right before the mascara part. Finally, "stars" should be "stairs".

“Okay mom the bus is here got to go, love you, ‘bye.” said Violet.


Again, this was abrupt. You should probably put down "the rumbling of the bus" right before this or something to make it flow better. "mom" should be capitalized because it's a proper noun. And if you want the effect to be that Violet was saying this fast, there shouldn't be any commas inside of the dialogue. Contradicting what I just said, right after "'bye" it should be a comma, not a period.

“Oh, honey, wait for Henry and Jackson!” yelled Mrs. Olestra, Henry and Jackson were Violet’s little eight-year-old twin brothers.


After "Mrs. Olestra", there should be a period instead of a comma. You also already mentioned that Violet's brothers were her "little eight-year-old twin brothers." You could actually mention up at the top that her brothers' names were Henry and Jackson instead of putting them here.

“Good morning, Lucy, how was the shower you did not tack this morning?” said Violet in a sarcastic way to the bus driver named Lucy.


"tack" should be "take". Also, you don't need the "named" there. Instead you can put down a comma. It is appropriate here.

“Okay, Okay, quiet down, Mrs. Happy-la-la-day.” so Violet climbed into the back row of the bus, to her best friend, Sarah.


The second "Okay" shouldn't be capitalized. After the last quotation mark, that should be another paragraph. Then, "so" should be capitalized, it being the beginning of a new sentence. Right after "bus" the comma is not needed.

“Hey, Sarah, how are you this fine morning? did you get passed Lucy unharmed? because if so, lucky you, not many people do!” said Violet.


"did" and "because" should be capitalized. Also, "passed" should be "past".

"I think so.” said Violet, then when they got to their school, Violet saw something vary strange.


Instead of the first period, there should be a comma. The opposite is true for after the first "Violet". After that there should be a new paragraph. Also, the "then" is not needed, so "when" will be capitalized (because it's part of a new sentence). "vary" is actually "very".

Overall:

This was a very short chapter (this review is longer than it), but otherwise it was pretty good! The writing, to be blunt, kinda reminds me of my preteen friends' writing, but I do like the idea. It's very original. Just asking... was this inspired by "Never-ending Story"? The title reminds me of that. The grammar issues are also kind of redundant and make the story hard to read. Here's some tips:

*Only use the word "then" if you can't help it

*Don't make run-on sentences all the time. It takes away from people's reading.

*Commas are not the most important thing in the world (sorry, just wanted to mess with ya)

*After dialogue, only put down who is speaking and what the speaker is doing while he/she is speaking.

*Break up your paragraphs a little

*Same information is annoying to read over and over and over and over again.

Also, you give a lot of description with the characters but virtually no description for the scenery. Maybe focus on that instead. You don't use stronger words as well, so maybe you could use words other than "said", or "then".

Welp, that turned out to be a lot little longer than I expected. Told you I would be harsh. Hopefully (fellow Wings of Fire nerd) I'll be able to review some of your other works soon!

Happy writing!--

Kara Stevens.




TinyMochi says...


Oh, hahahaha! thank you for the review, this was my first ever work, I meant to delete it because it was so weird! and I wrote it when I was bad at writing hahaha! thank you for the review though :D



TinyMochi says...


Wings Of FIRE!!



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Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:50 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hey Dogs here for a review! I really loved this chapter and can't wait to read more!

First I'm going to start off by pointing out your nitpicks/mistakes, and well as making suggestions.

1) In the first paragraph you just had a small spelling error. When you said "no one really noes how 1000 tunes fall on him." It should be "tons"
Also in this you spelled noes wrong too. It's supposed to be "knows"

2) You spelled the word take wrong as well. You have

Good morning, Lucy, how was the shower you did not tack this morning?"


It should be spelled "take" (It was probably just a typo, but I'll point it out anyway to be a good friend!)

3) One more spelling error. You have
Violet saw something vary strange.

It should be spelled "very" I know it can get confusing but very is used to describe something like "very strange" while vary would be "the size for that t-shirt will vary"

4) I suggest you add more detail and be more descriptive in your story. For instance, who is her best friend? What does she look like? What does her house look like and her little brothers as well? Who's Lucy? There is so much that could be added to this chapter with little details and things, so I hope you take this suggestion and add more details in the next chapter.

I hope that helped, now onto what I liked about the story.

I really like the story plot you have so far, and I hope to read more in the future!

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs

P.S. I like the whole story, I just didn't write out that much, but I really did like it!




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Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:46 pm
felidae wrote a review...



Hello chibielephants :) felidae here to review.

I think I'm starting to get the hang of reviewing on here now, but please still bear with me and don't be afraid to point out anything I do wrong :)

Anyway, on with the review! I think that the spelling and grammar could be improved in this chapter. There are quite frequent mistakes here, and they really take away from the overall story (which is very good). A good spellchecker or grammar checker will solve this problem.

I really liked the story beyond the technical writing. You portray a very safe environment and end on a big cliffhanger that'll definitely keep me waiting for more.

I did really enjoy reading this, but the almost constant spelling/grammar mistakes kind of took away from the story - but these can be solved so easily :) Good luck and I can't wait for more!

-felidae




TinyMochi says...


oh thank you so much! and ya I no I made this when I first got here! I am going to be making a holl! new book though so I hope that one will be better :D



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Thu Sep 08, 2016 10:01 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, PatatoInParis. :D

This is a pretty small chapter, but it did cover everything that a first chapter should. It introduces your main character, Violet, and tells us how she looks. It introduces her family, and gives an explanation to their current situation. I even got to know her friend, Sarah, a little bit.

Your first scene was typical for the beginning of a story; character gets up, has breakfast and goes to school. So that's all good, I just wish there was a little bit more conflict in the first chapter to make me eager to keep reading! Sure, you end it by saying that she saw something strange... but what was it? Maybe add one more sentence and just tell me what it was she saw so I get curious to find out more about it.

Your dialogue was believable. The characters all seem to have their own unique voices, which is important. Just don't be afraid to use full stops instead of commas. That's all from me, please keep writing! :D




TinyMochi says...


thank you so much, the end was supposed to be a cliff hanger but I was never good at thoughs sorry :( but chapter 2 should be coming out with in a week and I no it was short but my cosine @SleepyBacon who is on this site, told me that people will like to reed my chapter more, if it was shorter, and that might be the case for some people, but still thank you for the review :D



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Thu Sep 08, 2016 8:59 pm
JennyImStory wrote a review...



Hello Patato!

I thought this was a nice little skit to introduce your characters with. I noticed some grammar issues, but I suck at those things myself so I'll leave it to a more technical reviewer. There are many out there that are simply better at that stuff than I.
What I will say is that there's a bit of a problem with run-on sentences. The first paragraph alone is only two sentences, and you've added many comas where you could just make a new sentence. I know that sometimes the writer doesn't want a choppy look to the writing, but such long sentences just aren't fun.
And this is just personal preference, but the pacing was a little confusing. But I've found slower pacing is just something I like, so there's no need to change it.

Now on to what I thought to the content itself, no prose here or anything. I already like this character Violet, she's sarcastic and that's ALWAYS a plus for me. Other then that, we don't have much on the other characters. But I know this is just a short introduction, and we'll get to know the characters later on.
As with setting, this was a little blank. You said she lives in Florida, but that still leaves her house, room, front yard, and wherever else Violet is unclear. Now this isn't saying I want an address, it's just nice when you give the reader key elements to ground the scene.
In that part where Violet is getting dressed, does she have a mirror hanging on the wall? Are there windows? Is the carpet purple? Just those little details give the reader something to picture, without describing every single inch of the room.

Other then those two points, I found this enjoyable, and I'd love to see some more character elements of Violet's.





"What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian