Once there lived a happy family, a mother and four brothers. The five of them were vary close, that’s why it hurt the boys when one day. The Brothers, Anthony, Cole, Leon, and Sam were playing at a park near by there house, they were their for around an hour, then they thought they should go back home, but when they arrived at their house, the boys saw over 10 police officers surrounding their house, the officers did not see the boys and did not no they lived in the house.
“Mom, mom?” said Cole
“Where are you mom?” wondered Anthony
“Mother?” Sam said puzzled
“Mom? Where are you mom?” Leon whispered to the stuffed bunny he was holding in his arms. Cole walked over to one of the officers and tugged on his shirt,
“Excuse me officer, have you seen our mother, she has blue eyes and brown hair and today she was wearing the necklace I made her” said Cole, the officer looked at the young child then walked to the chief,
“Hey chief, some kids are looking for their mother, they all look very young, all look to be about six-ish" The boys had varied ages, Cole was seven, Leon was six, Anthony eight but he was short for his age, and Sam was also seven. "do you think they lived in this house?” the officer wondered.
The Chief thought for a second and remembered that he saw something about a couple of kids living in the house as well.
“Show me the kids” the chief commanded
“Yes sir” The officer went back to get the kids but just as he did he watched the four of them cross the cation tap
“Hey, hey kids! You’re not supposed to go in there!” But all four of the boys went in the house, they walked through the dark house quietly.
“Mother?!” Anthony called but there was not answer, they finished walking through the welcoming center of the small house, and they were now walking through the kitchen
“Look Cole, mommy made us some sandwiches, how nice of mommy” Sam said looking at four sandwiches neatly laid out on the counter.
“Chief! Chief!” the officer called out running to the chief,
“What is it William”
“The boys! They went into the house!”
“But the criminal is still in there!” said the chief in fear, he grabbed his walkie talky out of his lower shirt pocket and said into it,
“Everyone, there are four little boys in the house get them out! I repeat, get them OUT!”
“Look Anthony, sandwiches” said Cole
“Sam, Cole, come on, let’s find mom” Sam and Cole skipped over to Leon and Anthony, Leon started tossing his bunny up in the air and catching it, but then something made him stop.
“AAAAH!” he shouted, and their sat a man holding a knife hiding,
“MOM!” Leon shouted as he stood there in fear.
“Leon!” yelled Anthony, the man started to stand up and held the knife high in the air like he was going to stab the poor frightened boy,
“LEON!” Sam ran over to Leon and as the knife was on its way down to pierce his skin, Sam jumped in front of Leon and held out his hands like he was going to stop the knife, then a blast of green light came out and hit the knife right out of the man’s hand, out the windows blasted a green light, the officers were just coming in the get the boys out, then they were stunned by the blast of green light, the man holding the knife got blinded and paralyzed because he was right in front of the light.
“Sam, what did you do?” asked Cole standing in the living room surprised by Sam,
“I..I don’t know” Sam started tearing up, he really did not know what was going on, he almost felt scared of himself, his hair started turning green, what was going on? Then Sam turned his head and looked down the hall, he saw blood marks trailing down the hall.
“Look” the scared little boy pointed to the hall, the four boys started walking to the hall, they walked down the hall to the office room,
“mommy?” Sam dropped down to the ground and small water falls trickled down his checks and onto the floor.
“oh no” Cole muttered to himself tearing up, there mother, had been murdered.
The boys all crying at the sight of there mother breathless and bloody.
What would the boys do? Where would they go? what would become of Sam?
To be continued in chapter Two
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139,921 Literary Works • 672,746 Reviews
This is the last work of yours on YWS...And I have to say, the same problems are present, but you have a very good grasp of plot.
I'm not going through the grammar issues, I've already mentioned them in my reviews your other works.
You mention that the boys are all six, but sometimes they seem older, and sometimes younger. Maybe vary their ages? So one could be six, one four, one eight, and one twelve? (Of course, that's just an example--you can use any ages you want, to be frank).
Please edit AND continue this--I would love to read more, especially if you fix the grammar!
ya sorry, I thought I did vary the ages... oh, sorry I guess I forgot, I will do better next time, when I have enough time, I will continue this story, I like this the best out of my others, thanks again for the review
Its a thrilling read, very enjoyable. However, your grammar and spellings need to improve. Your most common mistake is mixing up 'their' and 'there'. 'Their' is a term which is basically 'belongs to them', but in different tense. 'There' is a preposition.
Punctuation is rather weak, but don't worry, you'll soon sharpen your skills. Similes and metaphors should have been used in larger amounts to make the story even more exciting and fun to read. (It already is, of course.)
I especially liked ' “MOM!” Sam dropped down to the ground and small water falls trickled down his checks and onto the floor. ' , because it uses a very powerful metaphor.
About Sam's mysterious green flash ability... More description. But it definitely catches the reader's interest.
All in all, its a really nice story, written by a budding writer, I'm sure!
thank you so much for the help
Wow, this is pretty dark story.. It suites for a mystery type of novel, i love it! But i think it would be great if you use more expression on their kids when they saw their mother had been murdered. Like for example, Cole shivers in fear as he (She?) found his (Her?) mother lying down, covered in blood, not breathing or something like that. It leaves more tension to the reader.
Oh, and also, you should put the "9 years later" in the beginning of chapter 2. It gives more surprise element if you do it that way..
Just my opinion tho, look forward to the next chapter~
thanks for the help!
Greetings! Let's get right into the review!
Criticism:
"Once *there* lived a happy family, one mother and four brothers." Is the correct way to say this. I noticed the same mistake in the same paragraph so you might want to fix those errors.
"The five of them were vary close, that’s why it hurt the boys, one day. The Brothers, Anthony, Cole, Leon, and Sam were playing at a park near by there house, they were their for around an hour, then they thought they should go back home, but when they arrived at their house, the boys saw over 10 police officers surrounding their house, the officers did not see the boys and did not no they lived in the house." this entire section is full of errors. First off, it is "very" not "vary". Second, they are a lot of instances when they see commas when there should be periods. For example. ", the officers did not see the boys" should be a completely separate sentence from its predecessor, not mushed together. Also, returning to the previous error I mentioned, replace the word "their" in "they were their for about an hour" with the word "there". Oh and it should be "their house" not "there house". It seems you struggle a lot with grammar which is perfectly understandable and a quick google search should solve the problem.
“No," Cole muttered to himself tearing up, there mother, had been murdered.' Is the correct way to say this. The same applies to other dialogue punctuation errors that can also be solved with a quick google search.
I really don't have any other critiques. My main advice is that you work on your grammar and sorry if I seemed at all harsh or rude in my review and this seems like an interesting idea for a story. Keep writing. After all, practice makes perfect
thank you so much! I will work on it
and no you were not being harsh, you were telling the truth
I understand 
thank you!