z

Young Writers Society



Elly

by Timochy


Category: Poem

Heart Repair

Anger consumed me

To the point where

I walked away

She came to comfort me

But i didn't know what to say

So i turned away.



I found that I've angered her more than anyone she knows,

I've made her thumble

Her emotions towards me

And then made her heart crack in 2



I shall find a way to mend her pain,

A way to stop he rain,

A way to wash the stain

And a way to change lanes,



I'll bronze my hair,

I'll silver my arms

And gold the rest of my body.



I'll make her laugh, smile, giggle and smirk

And try mend her heart till its whole



"My love is strong... I just wish I was stronger"



"It has gotten to the point where she doesn't know how she feels bout me... But i know I love her every day and i would move any where for her... I just cant believe that there are people that say stupid stuff to make other peoples life so miserable!"

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324 Reviews

Points: 15580
Reviews: 324

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Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:08 pm
Threnody wrote a review...



Hey Timochy. Depressing poem you got here... feel better. :) Here's your review~


I've made her thumble

Just one thing, what's this word supposed to be?


I shall find a way to mend her pain,

A way to stop he rain,

A way to wash the stain

And a way to change lanes,

This stanza has a pretty consistent rhyme scheme. Like a,a,a and then b, which really throws off the feel of the stanza. To even that up, try something like:

"And a way to switch the lane" or something that doesn't pluralize "lane" because that rhymes with everything else.


---

I liked this poem. It was really deep and written with really sweet intentions.

Always watch your capitalization, and spelling. You know, there's this really cool thing called spell check. When a word is underlined in red, you should click it. Yup, click it and it will help you. Pretty sweet, no? Also, capitalize your "I"s. It's a proper noun thing.

Otherwise, nice, just show her this and I'm sure she'll be pretty happy...

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody





It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian