Published April 24, 2015
Sitting in math class was the most pointless and most time-wasting excuse of a class in my opinion. All these theories, numbers, equations, adding up to a mysterious answer was something that seemed basic to me. I didn’t even need to pay attention to know what was going on based on the numbers on the board. It was the last period of the day. I could just leave. But then I looked at the reason I stay every time.
The smile that she gives with her perfect crystal green eyes makes this life, this period, meaningful to me. Her glowing face seemed to radiate towards my life, making it brighter each time I saw her. Holding hands, I smiled at the realization of what I truly had. I love her and she loves me. Most people that I talk to say that our relationship is cute, but it won’t last long. That it is just a high school thing and it will deteriorate and dissolve with the seriousness of the real world. They understand love as an emotion, a feeling that is fleeting at any sign of weakness. But that is not what love is. Love is not a feeling, an emotion, a skill that one can hone and refine. No, that is not what love is. Love is a constant, a forces that just exists and is invincible to all other forces. Love is the strongest force.
The bell finally rang and I was freed from the clutches of my math teacher. I held her hand tight, smiling every step that I took.
“Why you smiling so much? I saw you smiling in math and now with me.” She said with a chuckle here and there, grinning that gorgeous smile of hers.
“No reason.”
“Oh come on, tell me!” She stopped in the middle of the hallway, waiting for me to answer her repeated question.
“Because, I love you.”
“I that all.”
“Did you not hear what I just said? I love you!”
“I love you too.” She said as he placed her cherry red lips against mine.
“Come on, I want to take you out somewhere tonight.”
“Sorry, but I can’t, I have this banquet that I need to be at tonight.”
“Oh, I can get dressed up for the banquet.”
“If only you could come, but it is only for the people who were on the soccer team. Sorry babe.”
“Ok well call me afterwards then.”
“Don’t worry, I will.” She said with a smile. Letting go of my hand, she went her separate way.
“I love you!” I yelled out as if to close the distance between me and her.
“I love you too!”
I waited 6 hours for my phone to ring so that I could talk with her. So that I could hear that voice that seemed to be able to calm the angriest of storms. It seemed like whatever she did, everyone around her loved her for it. When she would look at the sky, it seemed to become more clear and glow a little bit more blue. When she would look at the sun, it would radiate back to her. The midnight sky seemed more beautiful with her in the picture. She was my everything. My love. Then the phone rang, but it was not the call that I wanted.
The world seemed to get duller today. The sky was gray and the sun decided not to show up to work. I wouldn’t blame him. I wish I didn’t have to get out either. But seeing her face for the last time really seemed to make me crack under the emotions of lost, confusion, and bitterness. Why did she have to get hit by a drunk driver? Why her?
Life is something that is fleeting, a thing that is quick to begin and even quicker to end. The entire life of every human can be summed up in one single concept: the Oreo. The cookies are the birth and death of a person, and the crème is the life. The crème is the sweetest, the one part that everyone wants, but it is also the smallest part. Birth and death are two of the biggest concepts that many people want to just overlook. And though death does happen, love is so much stronger. My love for her went beyond the grave. I love the person she was, is, and the person I will met when my Oreo is eaten.
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138,482 Literary Works • 672,142 Reviews
Hey Timmy! Snow here for a review
So I’ll get straight to it. There are mainly two things that I want to address, firstly:
Structure and Wording
Is brilliant. The technical aspect of your writing is fantastic. One of the things I enjoyed about this piece was how well it was put together and how well it flows. The fact that you just wrote this out of boredom bakes it even cooler. The word choice is great, it feel like every word was thoughtfully placed and carefully reread to make sure it had the right sound. This also then reflects in the sentence structure which was almost seamless. There were no clunky, out of place words. There are no odd superfluous or overly exaggerating adjectives which can jar the reading experience. The flow of sentences and everything just made it a pleasure to read.
Content
The main shortcoming of this story may actually derive out of the content. Like Maddie I’m not all that into love stories, mainly because the narrative voice will spend an excruciating amount of time describing the absolutely amazing qualities of their loved one and also large amounts of dialogue saying “I love you!”, which is unfortunately the case here. The main thing that kept me reading was mainly just how well written this piece is and that the narrator had a good voice.
There is a huge section where the narrator and his sweetheart are just saying “I Love you”. Now I’m not saying it shouldn’t be there, just to par it back a little. This isn’t just because of my personal taste. When you have moments like that it feels like the author is trying to force the reader to believe that they love each other. It’s a rushed way of portraying their dedication. Rather, how about showing us a moment of real tenderness between them? Or them sharing an inside joke? As a reader we need more substance to feel their intimacy then rather just a callous I love you. Sure we get a sense of how deep the narrator is in by their internal thoughts but we only see his girlfriend on a superficial level. Her “I love you” may have nothing behind it. Do you see what I mean?
Same goes for the large chunks of our narrator telling us how beautiful his girlfriend is. It’s so superficial. How about a habit that he’s noticed she has? Maybe he loves her intensity, or passion for I dunno… maths? Something personal to them, something intimate. Again if you shoe=w us a tender moment between them, it also does the job and show us much he loves her without going into substantial descriptive detail on how she looks.
Lastly, I feels the ending was rushed. The narrator spends a lot of time talking about before and after the death but not so much about the death. Put us in the moment. How did he feel? Did his palms sweat? Did his heart beat painfully? Did lay for hours immobilised by shock and grief? He goes into a lot of philosophical ranting which makes it seem more about him then his loss.
I know it seem like I’ve said a lot of negatives but I’m just trying to show you how you can make this story even better! It’s actually pretty good and very pleasant to read. It has a lot of potential which you can fill by making some adjustments. Hope I’ve helped!
Snowery
Hi, I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work. This is just me being me here, but I'm typically not into love stories. They then get all dramatic and pity-party-ish... And on YWS, it's everywhere. (Yet somehow, I can ship whatever pairings I want... lol.)
It should be re-written as: ""I saw you smiling in math and now with me," she said with a chuckle." All that I did was use a comma instead of a period and decapitalized, but only because it was a dialogue tag that wasn't a name.Though I do have to say that this story was adorable... then really, really sad. Why'd you do that? I knew it was coming, especially with the waiting six hours, but it was still sad.
Well, I think all I need to do for now is the simple tecnhicalities.
You've got a few comma problems here, Particularly the "I love you too!"
Comma before the too, please. XD
The dialogue punctuation in this is a little wonky. Here:
Me being me, the dialogue hound, as my father says, I think that you could add a bit more? Maybe a name or two? She seems like an Emily and he seems like a Jayden. Just to say. I don't know why I said it, I just felt like it. Note that names are huge to me. There is a reason I hate most fairytales with a fiery passion.
In general, I actually really liked this. This was beautifully written and descriptive. Well, descriptive about the love, not much else.
On one last note, though, I do wonder why you used the oreo metaphor. For most, life lasts 50+ years. Birth lasts 12 hours and death is an instant. So why would the cream be the smallest part? It also seems far different from the normal voice of the thing. He discusses love like it's gravity. Not a twinkie. Maybe you could find a different metaphor for it.
Keep writing!
Maddie out!
Well I was eating an Oreo when I was writing this...
Okay then, hello there! Luata here for a review of your work. Although I do not make a habit of doing grammar for review, but since this is your first review for this work, I shall go ahead and do some grammar if you do not mind. My apologies if I seem to nit picky.
I think this sentence would sound better deleted the second most before time-wasting, it would just make it more . . . smooth sounding.Is, not I, is. And a question mark instead of a period.
Met is past tense, so it should be meet.
Other than that, I didn't find any other major grammar issues. Now, onto what I am actually good at, the emotional aspect of the piece. A lot of work on here is about love, I actually just published something on that manner, but I am realizing that so many people are posting things about love, it is almost becoming a flat topic, and it needs a new flair. Now a killer title can change everything and I think that the title, "Love" just isn't powerful enough. I know that love is a very strong emotion and it is also a constant, as you stated so eloquently in your work above, but I think this work needs some flair. Take that advice with a grain of salt, I think that this was a very good piece. The last thing I want to say is the paragraph where the kid is questioning why his girlfriend got hit by a drunk driver, that was a good vibe coming off of that, because you could almost feel his confusion. Congratulations.
-Luata