Young Writers Society

hi there! here to leave a short review :]

i felt like as a whole the language in the poem was quite pretty, but i personally feel that the structure could be more interesting so that it would be less monotonous to read. (not that the poem itself was monotonous i just really don't know what word to use instead). the use of colour here was really so vivid and lovely, especially how the blue and red in the second to last stanza melds into purple.

thank you for posting this!

She was a sight to witness.
Thunderclaps resounding in her stride,
a storm to be reckoned with.
Her swiftness trailed by the red cardigan she wore,
oddly stained
in an array of colors.


It was beginning to be the end of June,
the fading orange of warmth long gone.
What spontaneity of youth remain
setting on those last summer days. Echoes,
of memories made.
But quick to move on. This part seems more cerebral and harder to relate to because it has to be decided to that I think the same way. But easier to think about so it works well on that part. Otherwise, you want to change some of the words, I bolded them.


Happiness exuded with optimism bright,
perception of the self sadly twisted.
Curiosity, perhaps doubt,
or a complete disregard,
must’ve placed that yellow speckled kiss in spite.
Much like the rotting sunflowers she held in limp arms. Her limp arms, it means more to have common language used. It hits harder too.
Though the mind said no, the action persisted.


It was beneath the green of the maple tree,
where the seed of doubt had been planted.
Growth and envy intertwined
a c h i n g l y
between those newly formed vines,
What once was a sacred place now filled with strife.
A lovely shade palace
built over lies.


That boy she knew stood alone as the rain grew,
soaking his blue vest a shade darker. Say "Than... etc" it helps a lot to make this line more fluid.
Patches of red seeping into the thread
another casualty. OF something. It'll help.
He was merely
an afterthought to overcome. This line works perfectly to help with the previous comment.


Souls so sensitive
yet immature to the ash and dust they bear,
forever tangled in a longing despair.
Another color added but they wish to move on,
slowly fading that shade of purple
but never gone.[b] So good, loved the color personification it worked so well thank you for writing. It's pretty good. The tone at the end was good for leaving the poem and it worked well.

So, again, take this review with huge grains of salt. I have not read much poetry, let alone romantic poetry. So, take this with salt crystals.

To be honest, Toto, I gotta tell you this. This poem speaks like a song, even if the verse is a little all over the place with rhyming. It feels like it'll be perfect buzzing on the radio on the commute, or maybe in a concert. So, it just does not feel like a poem to me. However, the rhyming is good in some places, and if you could just fix that and record this, I think it'd be really cool.

I like the "auras" idea that you put in, and that is beautiful.

Overall, you have did a solid job, and you deserve my like!

G'day, TimidToto. I haven't written poetry in a while, but I'll try my best at explaining my impression of your message.

The concept of interweaving colors to express relation of inner human world with the passage of weather is beautiful here, I could quite vividly imagine specific scenarios in a form of a impressionistic art, the hue of "aura" spreading outside of the characters into their surroundings, some disappearing, some lingering.

I quite liked the more "freestyle" take to the verses, the 2nd and last stanza had a pleasant flow to them from start to finish, I could hear somebody speaking them out with an emotion during a poem read sitting. The forced flow in the 3rd stanza made a fair sense given what it was supposed to convey, I'm sorry to say, however, that the other stanzas felt too forced in comparison, even if I imagine that that could be as a representation of pain.

When it comes to colors, I could imagine pain being represented better throughout the poem instead of the forced points. It felt as if some passages were put together just to stick the poem together and maintain sense, an opportunity lost to leverage the whole interweaving concept.

That said, I know from experience that having everything fall in place from the beginning to end in such poetry is a fair hurdle. I applaud you for writing this and sharing with us, thank you for the artistic contribution.

Best regards,
Jeremy