It's always been a matter to reckon,
Under the great sun or heavy rain,
A fire set ablaze in a living form,
Far exceeding its own domain.
It takes upon as many forms as stars,
And is sung of in countless tales,
Yet despite all the costly wars,
It returns in equal waves.
It's deep in the oceans, high as the skies,
Down among us all on earth as well;
Just there's a problem time wise -
We do forget to live swell.
P.S. In case you haven't figured it out by now, the poem speaks about life force and it's meant to remind you all of one really important thing - try to live your lives.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Alright, so your biggest problem is that you forced the rhythm. By forcing the rhythm, you made sentences form awkwardly and choppy, therefore making the entire stanza sound odd.
For example:
That makes no sense. By following an ABCB pattern, you had to find a word that rhymed with "well" and you chose "swell" but now the effect of the stanza is lost because these two lines make no sense.
That's something you should fix, or at least, try revising this and fixing the awkwardness of the stanzas, because some of them do not make sense, or they clash.
Other than that, the message of the poem was lost until I read the P.s. Maybe I'm just hungry and blind, but maybe you should also find a few more examples to make it obvious that you're talking about life. Maybe use a baby that was just born; I know it's a bit of a cliche example, but it'll work. Just don't make it obvious that you're talking about a baby.
Overall, this was a good piece. Well written, strong, and clear, for the most part. You used good examples and comparisons to lead the reader to what the subject of the poem was, and you avoided out-right saying it was life, so you kept us guessing and therefore leading us deeper through the poem. You sneaky, tactical person, you. That was genius.
I enjoyed the poem, and thank you for sharing! Also thanks for the moral reminder, to live my life to the fullest. I'll try not to disappoint.
This was very mysterious and I, subjectively believe that this really spoke to me. You executed this nicely and stuck with your idea all throughout, making your poem consistent and entertaining.
The figurative language you used throughout the poem was used in the right places and the impact readers would receive in turn would be positive, nonetheless. The poem has an interesting take on your particular concept--living our lives.
I didn't understand the subject of the poem until later the postscript message, though I commend you on your writing style, try to make the subject and your general idea clearer. The note at the end though, helped as well as the last line. It would help even more if you implied this message earlier in the poem.
You evoked the right mood for the poem, building the poem up to its message.