Dirty Job’s Confession
That day you were sickly in bed
I was crawling within you.
I came for you, their time will come
While they sit helplessly in stiff-backed chairs
I’ll get you in your finest suit
I whispered to them “Grab the shovel”
I’ll deteriorate your best qualities
And I’ll bleach your face
I’ll shorten your breath
I’ll tell them there is a chance
Just to take you that night
I know you’ll fight, I know you’ll fail.
Make the Reservations.
Make the Date.
Call the Carpenter.
Don’t be Late.
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Canary word: Present
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thank you for comment
I don't know why people were so confused. I totally got it. Except the carpenter part, but now I get it. It's through Death's eyes people!!!
Interesting perspective. I like the way you describe what he does and what it means in the world around him. The hospital scene is very true although I had to read the explanation in order to find out it was the family members that were waiting.
I also found it particularly short. But that's okay, personally I would have added another stanza or two.
Thank you Claudette and cadmium for giving me advice. The "I know you'll fight I know you'll fail" spacing was due to copy and pasting straight from Microsoft Word. Originally I have multiple spaces in between expressing a long pause when read aloud.
Thanks again.
The poem, which i stated in the subject is through death's eyes. I did not come out and say I'm death, cancer etc. because I want the reader to look into it. When I say,
"That day you were sickly in bed
I was crawling within you.
I came for you, their time will come
While they sit helplessly in stiff-backed chairs"
it is referring to a hospital scene. Death was seething within the body. "Their time will come" is talking about the family friends etc. that are visiting the sick person. I forced them to sit helplessly in stiff-backed chairs is referring to the awkward times when you realize there is nothing you can do for the person who is sick or dead, (hospital chair or a funeral/wake chair)
"Make the reservations make the date"- Funeral and wake arrangements
"Call the carpenter"- The man who will make the coffin
"Don't be late"- Simply ending the stanza with an eerie feel of Death waiting.
I understand how Dirty Job's Confession can be confusing and I have thought about changing it many times. Dirty Job is Death. and "his Confession" is just cloaking death with a sort of friendly way that he is confessing and admitting to what he is doing.
Thank you for your post I messed up on deteriorate I know
Do whatever Clau tells you to do!
I agree with her; I didn't really know what was going on here. Obviously this is the voice of some malevolent and deadly force. Hit men? I didn't think so, perhaps an illness? Make it clearer. You don't have to come out and say, "I am a hit man," but things like that can be subtly alluded to using a certain phrase that would suggest the speaker is a hit man, for example.
I think that you did the voice of the speaker very well. The tone is strong and for the most part constant throughout the whole poem.
Huh? Perhaps rephrasing is in order. Did you mean to say: "I came for you. Their time will come/While theys it helplessly in stiff-backed chairs..."?
Just saying "sick" would be more appropriate here.
I will: future. I whispered: past. Pick a tense.
While I have absolutely no idea how Reservations, Date, and Carpenter connect to the rest of the poem, this is a great stanza in terms of rhythm. The sound is neat, and I've always been a fan of the word "carpenter" even though it has no meaning here, as far as I can see. This whole ending just has a snap to it, if you know what I mean.
Great title, but I feel like it would be so much greater if I knew exactly who was doing the dirty job and what exactly the job is.
Colleen
I assume this is about.... Hit men? I can only guess. The poem was hard to follow. Some what.
Do you run any of this through spell check? Do you use Microsoft words/Open Office? Dateriate, as you spelled it, isn't a word. You should check for these misspellings before posting.
There was a lack of punctuation that irritated me, because some lines needed punctuation to make sense.
Here's an article I wrote, Poetry & Punctuation that may help you out a bit when learning how to punctuate..
there appears to be no rhyming or rhythm to the poem, which make is just....text and lines, really. It's not the worst poem I've ever read, but it could use some fixing. You use "I" and "them" creating characters, but throughout the poem it is really hard to pick up on who or [/i]what[/i] these pronouns really are in relation to the story you are telling.
I'm not sure what advice I could give you to help you fix up your poem, are you new to writing poetry? If so, I suggest two things.
1. Read as much poetry as you can get your hands on. Even reading the poetry here, and the critiques given, will tell you what makes a good poem, and what doesn't, AND it will tell you how to fix it by looking at others work.
2. Read books about poetry. I'm starting to do this a little, and I'm hoping it'll help me, although really I just need a better poetic muse.
3. Go look through Writing Tips. Incandescence has written a few tips on poetry, and so have others, that might help you out.
Good luck! Hope I helped.