If you read this, I ask that you comment not because I want a lot of them, but because I'm considering writing a full novel from this but I need to know if it's interesting.
You are never more alive than the moment before you die. These words echo through my mind as her scent fills my nostrils, as my nose meets the hard bone at the nape of her neck. These words reverberate in the confines of my head as she laughs at the contact; I tighten my hold on her waist.
It’s always the scent that draws me in. And there’s never need for me to search, no. They come to me, they do, the party of fools who ignore the warnings of the local villagers. They come into my forest, for the thrill of the danger; it’s always the same with those humans. The elves are fools, and we know better. The monster hides in the darkness, those elves say. There is no monster, we say.
The humans are wrong, for indeed there is a monster; I should know. And yet so are the elves, for:
Monsters do not hide in the darkness. They hide in plain sight; you will only see them when you need to.
She laughs again and turns around, but now the false desire in my eyes is gone, she sees my hunger and her eyes widen.
Why? Why do humans fear the inevitable? They know, we all know, that life is the road to death, that they are two sides of the same coin, so why the fear?
She gathers the energy to scream as she tries to escape my grip, too late. I move as fast my centuries-old body will allow, at its weakest I am faster than her.
Did she really think I desired her? That I singled her out of her twenty-something friends and allowed her the divine gift of hearing my voice because of love? Oh, the fool.
Her lifeblood is no different to the countless others; she is not the one I look for. Not The One.
I have waited for so long, so long, for the one to end my searching. To give me peace. For I remember still, so long ago, when I was yet an unblemished, untainted human boy. I remember the soothsayer’s wrinkled fingers tracing the lines on my palm, the slight heat of the dying candle in the corner. And the words:
To end your days of fruitless searching, of sleepless nights
To guide your soul across…
And then the smell that came from nowhere, as indescribable as life is mysterious, followed by the sweetest taste in my mouth.
The soothsayer died, long, long ago, but I will never forget. And I will never stop searching.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Alright,so, wow. That was very good, actually. Honestly, with a cheesy title like 'Kiss Of Death' I was assuming it'd would have something to do with cheesy vampires. I'm still not clear on that. I it is vampires (I'm not gonna go through the nitpicks-everyones done that already)
Thank you
You are a strong writer, you presented the prologue strongly.
This, your beginning, actually hooked me and I had to read until I got to the end, and I had to wonder what exactly would happen next. I also wondered if your prologue has any importance to the upcoming chapters, something I'm going to find out soon.
Overall, a nicely written, well done prologue
~WickedWonder.
Thanks for all the helpful comments guys!
If anyone's interested, Kiss of Death now has a page at: page.php?id=761
Please join if you will!
TIGERSPRITE
Hey there, here to review.
I wont nit-pick and such as it seems everyone else has done a pretty good job and such.
I liked this piece, it's really intriguing and I'm really interested by it - but I'm also really confused.
You've made me ask a lot of questions, which is good because I'm inclined to keep reading, but it also comes across as a little too unclear in some parts. Maybe you could describe him a little more - because all we know is he's not elf, he's human - but he's obviously not human is he? So maybe you could give us a little more clues as to what he really is - and in what ways is he so different than other humans (immortal, vampire-like?).
Another thing you could try and do is to describe the physical setting a little. Right now, all I know is she has a waist, and a neck, and he is gripping her at the waist. I have no idea what he looks like - is he charming and handsome, rugged, mysterious, ugly, or repulsive? Does he live in a deep dark forest, or the kind that has tiny pockets of light shining through the tree tops so you're almost never in darkness? Try describing the scene a little, give us some imagery.
I think this piece has a lot of potential - good luck, and keep writing.
PM me if you have any questions.
~Mo.
I'm Emaly. I'm reviewing you. Let's cut to the chase shall we?
- One of my most favorite sayings.First of all. Lots of love for the lack of spelling errors. Seeing no little red squiggly lines under the words brightens my day! (Well, besides my name. Chrome seems to think I don't know how to spell my own name.)
We say, there is no monster. Flows a little better, doesn't it?
Couple to many lines down here...
...for.
...in the darkness, they hide...
...
Not the one.
... NEVER start a sentence with and! Never! *per peeve*
Shouldn't this be in these ""?
Again, no and at the beginning.
Overall...
I liked it! Great job on this! Keep it up with the writing!
~Emaly~ Amu, emu, Emmy, mixed, whatever.
Hello there!
Here as requested.
First of all, considering that this is the prologue, I think you have written this well. However, I could get the feeling that this is something about vampires and stuffs. But then as I came across with the elves and the monsters, I was a little bit confused already. Anyways, the concept you have here is okay, although I would very much appreciate if you've at least given us some slight knowledge about the characters present here: a vampire and his "prey".
In my own view, how the character narrates is kind of confusing. To the point that, I don't really know what kind of being he is. Although I think he's somewhat a vampire and needs human blood, but still, the mentioning of other stuffs is quite blurry. So, just try to connect each statements correctly. Make the flow consistent and smooth. Also, speaking of grammars, I don't think there are awkward sentences, but I've seen some grammatically worded, which have pretty covered up by the previous critiques above me.
All in all, I think this has potential and that you should definitely make a novel. Just perhaps taking into account what your readers have commented on. And in addition to that, clear up the story well so it wouldn't be totally confusing to read. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out,
Yuri
You are never more alive than the moment before you die. – Nice line. It would be good if you put this in an isolated paragraph of its own to stand out further.
I tighten my hold – This is very subtle. I love it.
And there’s never need for me to search, no. – The no at the end seems disjointed at the moment. It’s something we use in speech, but it doesn’t work well in written language. If you disagree then it needs more punctuation to help explain how you’re stressing it. Is it a second reaffirming thought which would be written ‘need for me to search – no.’ Or is it a rhetorical, patronising or sarcastic question, which means it needs a question mark.
They come to me, they do, - This is another technique used in the spoken language that doesn’t cross over to written language very well. It’s also a dialect, in that it’s a way a certain region speaks. Not that that’s a bad thing, but think about why you wrote it this way. Is it because it’s how you speak, or how you want your character to speak? If you’re not sure, maybe you should write around thisto avoid sounding a little weird.
I’m a little torn whether this paragraph has the right balance between vague and mysterious. Maybe drop your readers one more focused hint, maybe in the form of a modifier, just one controlled sentence so that it makes sense. You’re allowed to have mystery but you run the risk of making no sense to the general audience.
“The monster hides in the darkness”, those elves say. – These forms of direct dialogue need speech marks. When you repeat something someone says the tense can change, the perspective etc – it throws the reader off where speech marks prepare them for this.
The humans are wrong... Oh, the fool. – From these two points, I felt if you gave it another read through, another revise and edit, it might make a bit more sense. I get the feeling this is something that when you write the whole book, you’ll go back and see it is unnecessary and delete it. It doesn’t have focus, and trust me, what little focus it has will change when you reach the end of the novel. Write down / Think about what you want to tell your readers and write that almost directly. I can tell you have a load of ideas floating about, but you’re readers need to feel grounded when they read your story, not floating with you. Let me know if that stopped making sense at any point (and that goes for my whole review) and I’ll happily go over it again.
Not The One. – Whilst being correctly written, it’s a little disjointed due to it being confusing to see. ‘She is not The One’. There are enough words here for the capitals to have a contrast. Also, ‘’ may help too.
This is really good. I definitely think you should write the whole novel for this, especially if you feel confident in it too. The worst that can happen is that you may not finish it, but I feel like this could develop into a pretty great novel. Good luck with your writing and let me know if you need me to re-explain anything.
Sublime story, its greatest strength is, once again, first-person narrative (as expected from grand-master of first person narrative, Tigersprite! ). The way the story is written once again gives it life, it moves and breathes, and I feel as if I am there. You describe the vital, keystone 20%, while the imagination fills in the remaining 80% effortlessly. The monster, the reaction of the victim, everything is so vivid, it's rather incredible... - but, if I were to list all the things I like about this story, I'd be rambling
So I'll just get to what I think could be improved.
Purely on the technical side, there are some formatting issues, such as the explanation that "monsters do not hide in the darkness". That shouldn't be on a new line, it should be in the same paragraph (unless you were trying to be poetic). Some minor revisions, such as
also couldn't hurt.
In terms of the content itself, you've got - I don't like to use TVTropes lingo, but this describes it best - at least one ice cream koan in there. That is, a statement that seems deep and meaningful at first, but at closer inspection it is just silly. Case in point:
Humans fear death because of a simple biological phenomenon called self-preservation instinct. If the mysterious monster does not have such an instinct at all (some quite extraordinary measures would have to be taken in order to erase it from the monster's psyche if it was ever a human, and even if it weren't, since without it it's likely to be dead by now) and you used this statement to show this, then it's not obvious at all right now. It just sounds like you're trying to be deep and not particularly succeeding at that.
It is easy to look past the minor flawed components of this story, just because of how amazing the rest of it is. I like it, I like it a lot, and I would love to read a novel about this (though I am interested where you will go with it). Keep it up!
Hey Tiger, here as requested! I would have been your first reviewer, but I had to sand a cabinet...sorry for the wait.
You are never more alive than the moment before you die. These words echo through my mind as her scent fills my nostrils, as my nose meets the hard bone at the nape of her neck. These words reverberate in the confines of my head as she laughs at the contact; I tighten my hold on her waist. This seems a bit repetitive. You keep repeating, "these words" and it seems a bit obnoxious. I would just exclude those words, but that's just me.
It’s always the scent that draws me in. And there’s never need for me to search, no. They come to me, they do, the party of fools who ignore the warnings of the local villagers. They come into my forest, for the thrill of the danger; it’s always the same with those humans. The elves are fools, and we know better. The monster hides in the darkness, those elves say. There is no monster, we say. Shouldn't you just end the first sentence at the word search and then say No. I think it would look better. Other than that this drew me in. The only thing that confused me was that you spoke for the monster and the elves.
The humans are wrong, for indeed there is a monster; I should know. And yet so are the elves, for:
Monsters do not hide in the darkness. They hide in plain sight; you will only see them when you need to.
She laughs again and turns around, but now the false desire in my eyes is gone, she sees my hunger and her eyes widen.
Why? Why do humans fear the inevitable? They know, we all know, that life is the road to death, that they are two sides of the same coin, so why the fear? I really like this paragraph.
She gathers the energy to scream as she tries to escape my grip, too late. I move as fast my centuries-old body will allow, at its weakest I am faster than her. It should be, "I move as fast as my centuries-old bdy will allow."
Did she really think I desired her? That I singled her out of her twenty-something friends and allowed her the divine gift of hearing my voice because of love? Oh, the fool.
Her lifeblood is no different to the countless others; she is not the one I look for. Not The One. I like the hook here, what is the monster really looking for? (shivers)
I have waited for so long, so long, for the one to end my searching. To give me peace. For I remember still, so long ago, when I was yet an unblemished, untainted human boy. I remember the soothsayer’s wrinkled fingers tracing the lines on my palm, the slight heat of the dying candle in the corner. And the words:
To end your days of fruitless searching, of sleepless nights
To guide your soul across…
And then the smell that came from nowhere, as indescribable as life is mysterious, followed by the sweetest taste in my mouth.
The soothsayer died, long, long ago, but I will never forget. And I will never stop searching.
[/quote]
I really like this! It is amazing. You have a very strong begining, and you keep that up throughout the story. I am really curious as to what this monster is, and what it is looking for. Please let me know when you write more, just leave a comment in the review for food please. Sorry I wasn't much help
-Flow-
Hey Tigersprite
Well if you're going to write a novel about this I suggest writing it in the past tense. You've written this story in the continuous present tense which usually doesn't work for most 1st person narratives. There are some 1st person stories written in the present tense which are actually really good, but it's difficult to write a story like that and do it well.
This paragraph was a little confusing. I wasn't sure when it was supposed to be the humans talking and when it was supposed to be the elves. Consider rephrasing, possibly using some direct quotations.
I would change that to "you only see them when they want you too." (omit the word will)
I used
strikeouton words I suggest you omit and [brackets] on words to add.The phrase "twenty-something" seems really out of character for this narrator. Especially if he's centuries old.
The soothsayer's words should be in quotes.
Alright so after reading this the first thing I want to say is that this doesn't really fit the structure of a short story. There's not much of a plot and pretty much no character development. I really feel like this is just an excerpt from a novel, which makes sense since you mentioned you're considering writing a novel on this. All I'm saying in that respect is that you let the readers no before hand that this is a vignette, not a short story.
That being said I have some concerns about this story. I kind of get the feeling that this is just going to be a "darker-edgier" version of twilight, which I strongly urge against. If you're going to write about vampires (which I also urge against) you need to make them unique. How are your vampires different from Anne Rice's or (dear god) Stephenie Myers'?
One way to answer that question would be to subvert a lot of the vampire tropes we see in books and movies. Draw attention to the ideas of "eternal love" and "immortal woes" and refute them, make fun of them. Don't just tell us the same story we've seen over and over.
And most importantly, as you're writing your story you need to ask yourself this question: "What is at stake for this character?" That is the one question every fiction writer should be asking as they write.
Let me know if you have any questions and keep writing.
Heya Sprite! Thanks for the request ^^
So, you're trying to decide whether or not you should make a novel out of this, correct? Hmmm...
After reading this, I'm not really feeling anything. First of all, in order for me to give you advice, I need to know a few things. For example, the type of characters you plan on using, a basic plot idea, or at least a setting of some sort. You fail to give me this vital information.
Right now, you have the thoughts of some type of fantasy-based character who kills a girl. You randomly mention something about elves and then don't even tell me what 'type' of being he is. Not only that, but you mention quite a bit of random things and I don't get it. Guide her soul across? I don't know what you mean. By the way, is he also an elf? Is he a demon? A phantom? What does he mean by monster? I have many, many questions regarding this piece that I can't help you decided whether this a good idea for a novel or not. Maybe you were trying to lure the readers in with all this mystifying stuff but making us confused off bat doesn't do much good. Maybe you should go back and give us some information, don't overdo it but giving a brief hint of the plot or something can be helpful.
Anyways, if you plan on making this a novel, then great! I mean, your wording is nice and so is your description. You have an interesting idea, not too sure what it is, but it 'sounds' good. I liked the way you described his thoughts, I thought they were pretty cool, my favorite would be this one:
Although, I was a bit confused with what meaning you were trying to get across here. Mostly it was the 'they are two sides of the same coin" Did you mean there are? Saying they are makes me think that he's referring to the people. >.<
Anyways, that's all I have to say. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Cheers,
~Shear
Hmm... interesting!
I would like to have some sort of idea about what this person is... or creature. I'm not quite sure! I also want to know if there was a reason why he picked her and why in the blazes she went with him. Was he attractive? I am guessing he was humanoid or something, otherwise there would probably be no chance, but still.
So yeah. If you make it into a novel, you'll want to have the other leading character (the female) have a lot more of a personality. Maybe she can stop him, for example.