A/N: I know it's not that great and full of errors. I just wanted to write something.
She put on a plain black dress, for the girl was never one for fashion. Tying her hair in a braid, she trekked down the stairs. The girl was going to see her friend who had been sick. She silently scolded herself for not noticing the symptoms earlier. Then they might have been able to get her friend treatment, and she’d be fine.
She picked up an umbrella on the way out; even though it was only a light drizzle, it could get worse later. Her friend was just a couple streets over- not a long walk. The girl’s mom was at work but trusted her to not get lost. She swung open the door and stepped out into the cold winter air.
During the hike she thought about how her friend would look. Maybe pale or green. The girl shivered at seeing her friend that way.
All the streets were quiet. She was used to this, living in a small town meant everyone walked everywhere. Yet, it appeared eerie, as if she was the only person alive. Shaking the thought off, the girl continued her stride.
Tiredness seemed to seep through her bones and around her head. The lulling gentleness of the rain made it worse. She had to choose this day to visit her friend. Still, at the same time, it calmed her. It carried her worries away, like if they had been blown by the wind. Allowing herself to think in this mind set, the girl gave into serenity. It was nice to think like this. After getting the news of her friend, she was in constant misery.
The girl was almost there now. Stepping onto the wet grass, she slowly strolled over to her friend. The girl set down, letting the water seep into her clothes. Across from her was a gray stone. Letters as well as dates were carved into it. With a hint of joy in her voice for getting to talk with her friend again, she starting chattering on and on about her life. The friend just sat and stared. The girl jabbered until the rain had stopped. Sighing, she got up and opened her umbrella.
The girl walked off, only turning back to say, “See you again next week.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First off, LOVED IT! It was eerie - which I love. The ending was predictable, but that didn't make me stop reading it!
Secondly, this line, "living in a small town meant everyone walked everywhere." seemed out of place. I think it would work better in the paragraph talking about the friend being only a few streets over. Also, I would give the tombstone more detail like "Dust that had settled on the base of the stone turned to mud in the rain, so the girl bent down to wipe it off with her sleeve.
There, her friend was as beautiful as before." Or something.
As you can tell, I really enjoyed this story! Moreover, I like how the girl didn't get a name because it just added more mystery to the story.
Haha....the first 3 quarters did not make sense to me until I reached the ending. Nice one (Y) Overall, a decent piece. My only suggestion is to refine and define some of the phrases like:
"During the hike she thought about how her friend would look. Maybe pale or green. The girl shivered at seeing her friend that way."
I think that it is possible to leave the reader with a sense of suspense and mystery without being too vague and misleading.
Also, I think that the text would be more reader-friendly if "the girl" was given a name. Sentences like 'The girl’s mom was at work but trusted her to not get lost.' sound rather awkward.
Nonetheless, I like the moodpiece of your work and I look forward to reading more
I liked that story, it's really nice! ... yet so sad, and I love these touching stories in which you executed quite nicely. Oh, especially the ending, that brought an entire twist to it and brought a new yet sad aspect to it but still touching. I love that ending. Really, really nice.
Pros: The entire story is very nice and leads and flows together and the little twist at the end ties it all up. Overall, the plot is //really// nice and I absolutely love it.
Cons: The story seems a little... disconnected, as if you're just "listing" things. She did this, she did that, she did this, she did that. There were also some phrases here and there that seemed out of place and sounds. For example:
"The lulling gentleness of the rain made it worse. (She had to choose this day to visit her friend.) Still, at the same time, it calmed her."
The phrase in the parentheses doesn't really belong here eh? And you also already stated that she's going to see her friend already, haha, no need to say it again.
Yeah so a little editing of present-past tense would help, fix a couple grammatical mistakes, and fix up the "listing aspect" and this small story would certainly have a furbished look to it! Other than that, great twist again!
-Kory
Oooh, I like this one. It's brilliant how the girl reacts to the rain and scenery. I like the idea of the rain being the thing the cheered her up, usually rain does the opposite in these kinds of stories. That's a brilliant twist.
There's one thing I would change. Leave it to the reader to determine what happened to the friend. You should still leave hints like "she thought about how her friend would look. Maybe pale or green.". Just don't flat out say her friend is sick.
Great work!