Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Exiurim awoke to the sun’s light beaming down from the only window in the room, hitting her fuzzy eyes. So that’s why no one wanted that bed.
She sleepily rolled to the floor, which was only a foot below. Getting to her feet, Exiurim stumbled out of the room. Gray Moon was waiting for her- a seat beside had a meal on it.
“Didn't sleep very well?” Gray Moon asked as Exiurim plopped down.
“How could you tell?” Her voice was raspy and quiet. Gray Moon let out a laugh and nodded to the plate.
“Eat. It’ll wake you up.”
Exiurim heeded the advice and ate everything. She slouched down in the chair, about to fall asleep again, when Abyss sat down across from Gray Moon. She turned her head to Exiurim, her eyes gleaming with curiosity. “How did yesterday go?”
Exiurim shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
Abyss looked a bit let down, leaning back into her chair. “Good.” She got up and left, her black hair swaying behind her.
“Hey, Ex!” Exiurim looked behind her, to see who was calling her name. Istrate stood a couple yards away, her hand on her hip. “Mercy’s got a mission for us. Come on.”
Exiurim got out of the chair as quickly as she could. A head rush hit her and she lost her balance for a second. Regaining it, she followed Istrate to the door of Head Quarters. Redstreak was waiting for them. She looked up from examining her knife.
A look of disdain crossed her face when she saw Exiurim, but it quickly vanished. “Let’s go,” Redstreak growled.
She opened the door, stepped out, paused for a moment, and then started walking.
Exiurim sighed. “Why does she have to come?” she groaned louder than she thought.
Istrate glared at her. “Redstreak is the strongest, most loyal person out of all of us. You’d be lucky to get to her level.” With that she marched off.
I’m sorry, Exiurim thought sarcastically. I didn't know Redstreak was a god.
The merry band continued through the city, as quietly as possible. Soon they came upon a rundown house. Its roof was caving in and bricks were coming out of place. The three went to the door, or at least where the door used to be. Carefully sneaking through the gaping hole, they came in. Plenty of light filled the house, due to the ceiling. At the far end of the room was a man. He was hunched over something, writing. It seemed to be a journal, and he was so absorbed in it, he didn't even notice them.
Redstreak knocked on the wood near the “door.” The man looked up, and saw them. As soon as he did, his eyes widened and he reached for a drawer. Istrate pulled out her knife and threw it. The knife went straight through his hand, squirting out blood. Redstreak dashed forward and kicked him in the shin, then uppercutted him with all her strength. She must have hit a nerve because he fell to the ground unconscious.
She motioned for Exiurim to kill him, her eyes giving away nothing. Exiurim walked up to him. Her hands shook as reached for the knife, but she steadied them. Closing her eyes, she brought the knife above her head then down onto his back. The man let out a pitiful groan. Exiurim ignored it. I’ll do whatever it takes to make them appreciate and respect me. I’ll prove I’m not useless. Not like I was that night.
Exiurim stood up and gave herself a shake. Istrate pulled her knife out of his hand and wiped the blood on the desk he had been writing on. Together, they walked out of the now empty house and back to Head Quarters.
When they got back, Exiurim went straight for Gray Moon, excited to tell her about how well she did in this mission. On her way to the bedroom, she saw Mince sitting in the room where everyone eats. Exiurim stared at him, surprised. He never comes out of the bedroom unless it’s for a mission. She shrugged and kept walking.
***
“Wow! So you were the one to kill him?” Gray Moon gasped. Exiurim had just finished telling her about the mission.
“Yes!” Exiurim could hardly keep herself from squealing.
“I’m so happy for you.” Gray Moon’s eyes sparkled.
“You've done better,” Exiurim pointed out. She didn't want to be boastful.
The two friends talked for hours, each topic leading to another. Finally they had to stop because Abyss had to sleep.
“Stop chattering like two birds and go to sleep!” She had called.
Exiurim got cozy underneath her blanket. Today was great. She slowly thought over each event of that day before falling into a deep sleep. Today was great.
So I just figured out that there's a giant plot hole. *Facepalm* I'm not going to quit this project though, because I want to see it through to the end.Thanks for reading this and reviewing!
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Hello to you and Happy September Review Day! Basically, I write down my thoughts as I read. So here goes...
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Exiurim awoke to the sun’s light beaming down from the only window in the room, hitting her fuzzy eyes. So that’s why no one wanted that bed.
You made the second sentence larger. I don't think this is necessary.
“How could tell?” Her voice was raspy and quiet. Gray Moon let out a laugh and nodded to the plate.
It needs to be: How could you tell?
when Abyss sat down, across from Gray Moon.
You don't need the comma in the middle here.
Regaining it, she followed Istrate to the door of Head Quarters.
She followed her to the door of the head quarters.
You mentioned the marry band. Do you mean merry?
She slowly thought over each event of that day before falling into deep sleep.
Before falling into 'a' deep sleep.
They're all the nitpicks I can find. Keep going!!!
Thanks! And I don't know why the second sentence is bigger. I can't change it.
???
You have a good opening paragraph.
"Which was only a foot below." Omit.
"a seat beside had a meal on it." Revise.
"Her voice was raspy and quiet." Revise. "Her voice was raspy with sarcasm."
"She got up and left." Revise. This is painfully boring.
"She opened the door,..." This should be connected with the sentence above it as it is still in the same thought.
"It seemed to be a journal." How could they know this?
"and he was so absorbed in it, he didn't even notice them." Revise. "being absorbed as he was, their entrance went unheard."
I don't feel killing him so quickly was needed. I feel this could have been made a much stronger scene say there was a heated conversation then he was killed. It moved to fast to really be interesting or acknowleged honestly.
So basically all the scenes moved too fast and there was a great lacking in description to really keep the readers attention.