“Your actions yesterday were disappointing. I thought you would do better.” Mercy continued to chide Exiurim. “Did I waste my time by letting you in?”
“No, Mercy,” the words came out of her mouth awkwardly, leaving her sounding like an idiot.
“Well, get out of my office and go waste someone else’s time!”
Exiurim walked out of the room ashamed. Even though yesterday’s events were appalling to her, she felt guilty. Luckily it was lunch time. Some food could take Exiurim’s mind off her failure.
She gripped a tray with a pre-made meal on it. Gray Moon motioned to a spot at the table. Exiurim was grateful to have at least one friend here.
“What’s on your mind?” Gray Moon asked, though she probably already knew the answer.
“Just last morning. I mean I don’t get why we did that. What problem was the guy making?”
Gray Moon’s eyes became unfocused for a second before answering, “By killing other people, they make their presents known. They gain more power. With more power they get more of a hold on the city.”
“What do they want the city for?” If they wanted the city, they could take it now. Not much is needed to gain control of a place that will already bow down to the most able caretaker.
“Something about creating an empire. Mercy only tells her higher ranked members the details.” Gray Moon shrugged. “It’s better we don’t know.”
“Okay then.” So many questions buzzed in Exiurim’s head. “Why did Mercy send the four of when just Blight and Redstreak could have completed alone?”
“Mercy probably wanted to test you. If you didn't succeed, which you didn't, Redstreak and Blight would be there to finish the job.”
This made Exiurim a bit angry. Mercy didn't trust her enough to leave it to Exiurim. But I didn't do it. Mercy was right. This made her even angrier. Exiurim couldn't even trust herself. She opened her mouth to ask Gray Moon another question when Abyss came over to them.
“Hey,” Abyss said. “I heard you sucked majorly yesterday.”
Exiurim sunk into her chair. She knew she messed up; she didn't need everyone rubbing it in.
“Mercy’s pretty mad at you, isn't she?” Exiurim nodded. “Well I think you still have a chance. You just got first day jitters. Twist couldn't even look at a knife for a week after his first assignment. If you go talk to Mercy about maybe she’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself.” Abyss looked expectantly at her.
“I guess,” Exiurim mumbled.
“Then go talk to her!” Abyss chimed, her eyes bright.
Exiurim thought over her choices for a second. Either I don’t and everyone shuns me, or I do and Mercy gives me a chance to regain my respect. Exiurim tried not to think about the other possibility. She asks Mercy and doesn't get a second chance. Ever. She pushed that thought away as she marched down the hallway.
Pushing open the door, Exiurim slinked into the room. Mercy was looking out the small window in the wall. There was a distant look in her eyes, as if she were somewhere else. Exiurim coughed to notify of her presence. Mercy turned her head to look at the source of the noise. For a moment Mercy seemed confused. Her faced gave the impression she didn't understand what was going on. Then knowledge flowed back into her head.
“Yes, Exiurim? What do you want?”
“Another task to prove I’m not useless.” Exiurim made sure her voice firm.
Mercy looked at her with subtle disbelief. “You think I’ll trust you to do that?”
Exiurim thought for a moment. “I’m still here, aren’t I?” Exiurim hoped that she had said the right thing. If Mercy took this the right way, there might be a chance of getting a mission. If she took it the wrong way, if Mercy thought her decisions as a leader were being questioned, Exiurim would be in a load of trouble.
Mercy stared at Exiurim for a minute. It was a hard stare, one that made Exiurim question if she had said the right thing. The longer Mercy glared, the tenser Exiurim got. Her muscles were getting stiff. Fear took over her body. Her eyes grew wide and the pupils dilated. Exiurim’s hands shook. She clenched them into a fist to get it to stop.
Mercy drew in a breath, then spoke, “Fine. You can have another shot.”
Exiurim let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. Mercy had taken it the right way.
“We need more storage. The closet won’t hold much more. I need you to steal a car. A big car. One we can use for a while. Got that?”
Exiurim nodded quickly. This was her chance to prove she was not worthless.
“But,” Mercy interrupted her inner celebration, “if you fail, you will be disposed of.”
A chill crept through Exiurim’s body at the words. She knew what that meant. Succeed or die.
I know my first two chapters weren't the best, but I'm hoping this chapter is just a bit better.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hi there!
I saw this chapter in the Green Room so I figured I'd take a look at it! I have read your previous chapters so I'm all caught up with the story.
I know that it seems you've gotten a lot of negative criticism of your novel, so I'm not going to go through and point out all that I think you should change; everyone else has already done that. Instead, I'm going to talk about what works well in your novel, and maybe mention one or two things you can improve on
First off, your characters are great. Exiurim (cool name by the way) is thrown into this new life that she knows nothing about and she's able to make friends quick. Well, I'm not completely sure they're her friends, more like people like her that felt obligated to help her. But Gray Moon seems to be a real friend at this point. As you know, it's always good to have character interaction in a novel. I find that the best novels have the best characters. The more we know about characters, the more we can relate to them. I think having Exiurim communicate with all of these characters makes it easier for us to understand what's happening to her. For example, when Abyss comes to talk to her, we understand that others have messed up their first mission as well, Exiurim isn't the only one to do so. Sure that's just a small detail, but it works well!
Speaking of characters though, we don't know much about Exiurim and what her life was like before this boy led her to Mercy. That's something you can only change when you go back and edit. Maybe add something to the first chapter about her life or add a prologue. And where is this mysterious boy that led her there in the first place? I was hoping to see more of him by now
Despite this being written in third person, you really dive into Exiurim's thoughts and feelings. I think that's really cool because we get to learn more about her. First person POV is obviously the best way to really show us your MC's thoughts and feelings, but you've managed to do it in third person, which isn't easy to do. Keep that up and I feel like we'll know about Exiurim in no time!
There hasn't been much action in this story, but where there is action, it's written well. Like when Exiurim goes on that mission in the last chapter. I could really imagine everything going on...especially the scene where Redstreak kills the man. It was written very descriptively and I really got the full picture. You also do a good job of describing the setting, which is always important.
Now, onto the flow of the novel. It really flows quite well. Your transitions from chapter to chapter are great. I would comment on how fast paced everything is, but others have already done that so I'm not going to annoy you with the same comments you've already received. There are a few parts of dialogue I want to point out though.
This and
this are a bit confusing in terms of knowing who is talking. The first one is obviously Exiurim talking, but there is no dialogue tag there to make it crystal clear that she is the one talking. You can still keep the part about the thoughts buzzing through her head if you add a dialogue tag. You can say, "Exiurim said, so many questions buzzing through her head". See how that has the same meaning, yet clears up any confusion of who's talking?
I'm basically going to say the same thing about the second part I quoted. Through process of elimination, I figured out that it was Abyss talking there. But it seems like it could be Exiurim too, though, because you break apart the dialogue to mention her nodding. Make sure to add the dialogue tag in here before Exiurim's nodding. So it'll read, "'Mercy's pretty mad at you, isn't she?' Abyss asked in a knowing tone. Exiurim nodded, letting her gaze drop to the floor". You don't have to use exactly what I said there since it's just an example. But by using that dialogue tag, it's easy to see that Abyss was talking and Exiurim was nodding her head. That just helps to clear up any confusion.
Overall, I am very interested in your novel. I think it's a wonderful idea, and I'm a sucker for anything that's an action/adventure. I'm looking forward to learning more about what exactly this team does and how Exiurim fits into it all. Most importantly, does Mercy give her another chance? Something tells me she does. I don't think Exiurim would get kicked out that early
I hope this review helped you. Let me know when you post the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Well, I can certainly admire your character's guts to just go and retry for her respect. She seems like a super relatable character, that I think I would want to get to know better. *tips hat* Excellent work.
Nahh, horrendous and disappointing, just don't seem to flow into each other! Maybe just cut out disappointing, and put horrendous instead.
While your grammar is excellent in most areas, I have noticed that you are slightly off in some ways, for commas. Remember to always have a comma after a name. (Usually, sometimes their are exceptions.) So put a comma after "No".
Comma after "well"
These lines seem short, and don't flow very well into each other. Try and make your sentences just Goooo into each other, effortlessly. Like a pop singer! They just sing without effort. Well, try to make your sentences flow into each other, and have good connectors.
How about say "OK" with the entire word... Okay would be good. And comma after "Okay"
Typo
How about slunk instead?
Alright, one more thing I wanted to talk to you about is action and reaction. Now it's very fine and dandy to say that she coughed or what have you, but your writing seems a little empty at times, and you can always learn how to fill it up. Like you could put in reaction as well as action.
Such as she coughed. What's her very own reaction to herself coughing? Perhaps her throat tickles for a moment? Because we know Mercy's reaction to the cough. She turned her head. But tell us Exiurim reaction as well. It doesn't have to long. In fact a fleeting description is good, for stuff like this, but always try to fit something in there.
Also, your work could use a little more description at the moment. But what you have here is also nicely written, so well done in that regards.
And use all five senses! Don't be afraid to go behind, he or she saw this or he did that and he picked up this. Go beyond that! Try and describe using the five senses. Touch, taste, sound, sight, and smell! They are all extremely important, and all have their purpose in writing.
When you're talking about the food that is on her plate, you could be referencing to how it smells to her. Just something to help fill the picture.
OK, well I think that's all from me for now!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the review!