Once again, it's a draft, and is in no way perfect!
Chapter One
Alicia sat beside her open window reading a book for school. Jane Eyre, it was called, and it was good, but made drastically less exciting by the fact that it was schoolwork and not voluntary. And though this book was good, it was hard to read too much at any given time, it took a great deal of energy to decipher the old fashioned literature. She slipped her book mark into place and closed the book, setting it gently on her bedside table for later.
She looked around her room. The old wood floors, dark and polished, glistened from what sunlight they got from her open window. The soft green walls, with the landscape paintings she had painted herself hung up around, and her dark green curtains all gave the room a sense of unity. Her messy desk, which held her computer and school books, stood off in the corner out of the way. Her dresser stood in the other corner, dark blue. She had painted it herself last summer.
Looking out the window down into her front yard, she saw the bird bath, birds twittering happily in it, while the cat circled it, his black bushy tail twitching nervously.
Her eyes were drooping, exhausted from all the reading she had been doing. She went to the bathroom, and splashed water on her face. Leaning against the counter, she took her reflection in. She had thick brown hair that spilled in a wavy brown waterfall down the sides of her face. She had green eyes and a straight nose from her father, but her mother’s full lips and complexion. She tanned easily, a trait from her father. She was tall, standing 5’10”, something the shorter girls at school and her tiny mother never let her forget.
She sighed and trudged back to her room. Even with the water she was still exhausted.
Time for a nap! She thought wearily, and flopped down onto her bed. She rearranged the pillows and made herself comfortable. Closing her eyes, she waited for sleep to overcome her. But it didn’t. For fifteen minutes she lay there, eyes closed, completely relaxed. But sleep wouldn’t come. She sat up, put on some very soft background music, and then focused on sending sleep to each of her limbs. It must have worked, because somewhere in the middle, she fell asleep.
She sat up suddenly…what had woken her? She was sure something had…it had sounded like a thump. She walked to her door, groggy with sleep, and opened it. No one was there. Hmmm…so it wasn’t the door, what was it then? She turned to go back to bed; ready to pass it up, when she saw what looked like a lumpy bundle on the window seat.
Nice, talk about a late birthday present… Her seventeenth birthday had been a few weeks ago. She was sure this was some ones way of getting on her good side. It certainly looked festive. The fabric was shimmering, looking almost like water. Dark purple, golden sheen, it was also covered in strange runes. It was rather pretty.
She picked it up and carried it over to her bed and sat down next to it. Taking hold of the leather piece of string holding it closed, she unfolded the fabric and gasped. There, nestled down into the black side of the cloth, was a beautiful necklace. It had a thick chain, the links interwoven, almost like a snakes scales. It had a big blue gem of some sort attached to it. Around it, silver tigers chased each other, their mouths clasped around the others tail, an eternal circle. Their eyes were what looked like small red rubies, and their stripes were inlaid with emerald.
Whoever had gotten her this certainly wasn’t afraid of spending money, she thought. She picked it up, examining it closer. It was intricately detailed, almost lifelike, and the eyes seemed to glow bright red. She walked over to the mirror to try it on. It was a perfect fit. If it had been any bigger, it would have been loose, any smaller, it would have choked her. But as she put it on, there was a sense of rightness in her mind, like it belonged there. Drowsiness overwhelmed her again, a great crashing wave that almost knocked her unconscious then and there. But she made it over to her bed before collapsing, and sleep overtook her once more.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
End of chapter
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140,928 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Thank you so much JP, you were a big help as well! I'm glad you guys like it, and I hope it wasn't too confusing how I jumped from Shaari to Alicia. You guys rock!!
~Shaard
I actually enjoyed this, I wasn't expecting it since I'm not to fond of fantasy stories that takes place in the modern world, I like it hardcore, haha
But dear did I like this, the way you wrote was so captivating and you just kept luring me in to read more - which I of course hope to do, haha
Keep it up and I shall await more!
Jp here, hope the critique isn't too harsh...
fluff, fluff, fluff. This is too descriptive. The prologue is energetic and face paced and this slows down too much, it seems drab and its two paragraphs of info dumping essentially. The description of the room is clear but it can be weaved in a little more subtly.
- amazing description.
Theres a better word than 'drooping,' find it.
This lines a wee bit awkward, perhaps try 'she took in her reflection' but still thats hardly better...
scrap the waterfall line. 'She had wavy brown her that spilled down the sides of her face'
would suffice.
This is a lil confusing. Perhaps try 'the water dripped from her face but did little to negate her exhaustion.' On something that reminds the reader 'the water' is the same water splashed on her face.
'overcome her' could simply be 'come.' 'come' is a little less wordy and flows but its up to you, it doesn't matter much.
Tautology. If music is soft we can assume its background music.
Good line.
italics.
It's in italics so we know 'she thought.' And since it's in italics it's her thoughts so she wouldn't consider herself the third person, 'her' should be 'me.' Or perhaps try 'Whoever had gotten this present wasn't afraid of spending money.'
Not sure about the word 'examining' in this sentence, it just seems awkward, hmm perhaps its just me.
Great line.
Take out 'that.'
Good chapter. A few minor errors but its pretty good. The prologue is awesome, it leads on nicely to this chapter, the lack of action doesn't take anything way because the writing stands alone, it flows well and holds the reader's focus.
best,
Thanks Seraph, I was thinking it sounded a bit rushed to me, stupid drafts always make me feel like an idiot LOL. You guys rock, thank you so much! I'm glad I joined this site, four hours and you guys have already helped me out a LOT.
Luv you all ~Shaard
The only things I noticed was the things Seraph pointed out! Dang, I need to get here quicker! Again, I really liked this. I really want to know more. I could connect the prolouge and the 1st chapter well, at first, I didn't get it, but then after I was like, "Oh yeeeaaah!" Great job!!! I am so excited for Chapter 2!!!
Hey there, Shaard. This is Seraph.
My suggestion is that you draw out your first chapter more, give us some insights into her life and mind. At the moment, it's so rushed it's hard to tell what's going on. Ease up on the descriptions of everything, because, at the moment, they're not terribly important. We need to know Alicia quite a bit more. 
Keep writing on this. I'm excited to see the next part!
And though this book was good, it was hard to read too much at any given time, it took a great deal of energy to decipher the old fashioned literature. She slipped her book mark into place and closed the book, setting it gently on her bedside table for later.
In these two sentences, the word 'book' is used quite frequently. Instead of saying 'bookmark,' you could possibly say 'she marked her spot' etc.
She looked around her room. The old wood floors, dark and polished, glistened from what sunlight they got from her open window. The soft green walls, with the landscape paintings she had painted herself hung up around, and her dark green curtains all gave the room a sense of unity. Her messy desk, which held her computer and school books, stood off in the corner out of the way. Her dresser stood in the other corner, dark blue. She had painted it herself last summer.
I don't see how this is relevant. What is she thinking as she looks around the room?
She had thick brown hair that spilled in a wavy brown waterfall down the sides of her face. She had green eyes and a straight nose from her father, but her mother’s full lips and complexion. She tanned easily, a trait from her father. She was tall, standing 5’10”, something the shorter girls at school and her tiny mother never let her forget.
This description of her is like an infodump. I think you can find a more creative way to describe her. For example, maybe she lives in an old house where the doorways are shorter, and she bonks her head on the top of the doorway, or the fact that she has to lean down to get to the sink.
The only discrepancy I have with the second part is the description of the necklace; it's just a little confusing to read. For the chain, I suggest you look up an image of queensmail. It looks very similar to what you describe.
Overall, intriguing. I like the necklace idea, mostly because I don't read many things about it, but, you know, that's just me.
*Seraph*