I re-edited the introduction and I hope you like the new revisions, meep!
Introduction
It has been years since the day we met, so long ago with so many memories. In life he waited for me and in death we never parted. This story that was written and is being read, is the only reminder of the history that changed the world forever.
There are some who say that Devils are evil, then some who say they are sacred. Based on the stories and legends of my people, they were basically shapers of the world. No one understood the concept of creation and denied that Devils had once, if even only for a little while, ruled the world.
So this is my story, the life that I wrote, my love, my memories, and even an unbearable pain that seperated us yet brought us together, in the end....
I lay in the soft green grass of the field outside my house and watched the clouds drift by across the sky. It seemed that they were apart of something much bigger than me and I felt so small compared to the endless sky. Inhaling the sweet scent of the flowers on the breeze I knew that the warm, summer climate was taking hold.
I could hear the soft breathing of the sleeping Kiba; he was my pet wolf. For his breed, Kiba was unusually large and his fur was coloured whiter than snow itself and gleamed as silver as the moon. Shining sharper than that of adamantite's edge, Kiba's left eye was an icy blue and his right eye was an icy green. In heighth, he came up to my neck; since I was five feet nine inches, he had to at least be five feet five inches. He scared many of the people that met him because of his size but in truth, he's probably the biggest baby you'd ever meet.
Kimeru, my big sister, came out and roused us from our daze, "Wake up Miko, Kiba. You know you can't sleep all day." I opened one eye, "Want us to go to the market?" She smiles then replies, "Of course, otherwise you won't get to eat tonight." I sighed, "What's the point of me working for our food? I think I should get it all because I do all the shopping." Kimeru grinned, "Yeah but I clean clothes, wash dishes, vacuum the house, dust, mop, sweep..." "Ok!" I said as I rolled my eyes and stood, "Come on then Kiba, lets go find my future husband so I can move out...." The wolf raised his head. I stood and made a small whistle in which Kiba jumped up with a wagging tail. Kimeru turned to go into the house, "Don't be long." "Right," I said and led Kiba down the only gravel road in the town of Hope to the village market.
My name is Miko and I'm sixteen years old. Kimeru just turned eighteen a few months ago and she already seemed to think that she was in charge. Having been orphaned only six years before, Kimeru was practically my only guardian. It was so long ago when my parents died that it seemed like a dream. I vaguely remember that night, and sometimes, I wish I'd forget it.
I lived with Kimeru in a two-story three-bedroom house; there were two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, and a laundry room. It was a pretty decently-sized house, but to me, it only sufficed as a place to eat and sleep. There was only two of us living here and Kimeru stayed home most of the time.
Hope was a small town on the rural countryside of eastern Gaea that lay upon the rolling hills at the bottom of the Kiske Mountains. The five or six farms in the town could be found on the outskirts situated near the Kiske Falls. Then the small, remaining number of residents lay throughout the whole of the area called Hope, scattered across the lush, green hills that we called home.
It was a peaceful place that one would easily feel at home because it was one of those places that anyone would willingly do all they could to help anyone in need. They protected what they believed and never let anything or anyone destroy what they had. This place and these people were all I knew and were all I'd probably ever know but I didn't want to stay, I wanted to travel and see the world, but it was hard when I never had the wings to fly to begin with or that one special light that opened another door to another world. In reality, all we could count on was each other, and in each other the memories of the time we spent together, and that time was quickly running out...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Tifa, I meant to review this yesterday, but I never got round to it! Have we met? No? Call me Stella...
I. NITPICKS
sun's rays
You could just say Okamikiba, my pet wolf...
green is icy?
Literally?
There should be a new paragraph before "I".
Again, new paragraph before "Right."
Each other is two words.
II. PARAGRAPHS
A lot of your text is in big chunks... remember: paragraph!
Begin a new paragraph when:
-A new idea or subject is introduced.
-Somebody new begins speaking.
The second one especially you need to learn. Otherwise, your dialogue gets messy and unattractive...
III. PROLOGUE-INESS
A prologue introduces your story. It can introduce your main character, and also show some element of your story. I think this is more Chapter One than Prologue/Introduction. It's a grand beginning, but a Prologue or Introduction is more pro-beginning... just something to chew on...
IV. OVERALL
Not bad, just needs a few tweakings!
Hope I helped, feel free to drop me a line if you need anything!
-Stella.
Thank you both for your critism, I really needed it. Lol, I hate critism because it makes me irate but I really do appreciate it. I'll start revising tonight and hopefully have it done by next week. Your crisisms were really useful! Meep!
Hello Tifa13 and welcome to YWS
. I am The.Dreamwalker, reviewer extraoridinare 
just kidding... but it's a pleasure to meet you and I'm here to review your work. Alright, I'm going to critique this even though it was already critiqued, but lightly kay?
Alright so onto my critique.
The first sentence is a little lack lustre with it's feel. Give us something with it, excite the reader. Also, with these three sentences, dont start them all with I. It sounds very 'I did this. I did this. I did this.' That gets very repetitive and boring for the reader. Remember, the reader isnt stupid. They catch onto these things.
Quick nit-pick. Suns should have an apostrophe. Sorry I get annoyed when they are misused :S
A raven's black what? Sorry this sentence sounds silly even if I do know what you mean by it. Try the deepest colour of raven black, or some sort. Use the word colour before it somewhere because it sounds silly if not.
This is blatantly too long. It's run on. My biggest pet peeve, as some of the YWS people know, it the overuse or misuse of the semicolon. I plainly dont like them and the use of them, but used in a nice situation, I will overlook them. This could have been a nice situation if in the rest of the sentence you could have put a period where the comma is. That sentence is too long and doesnt need the comma.
This jumps from the present tense to the past tense. Watch out for that for the reader can get easily annoyed.
This is riddled with terrible comma structure *shakes head* structure, structure, structure...
I'm guessing this takes place in Japan? Or do you just like the Japanese culture when it comes to names and such things?
Honestly, as an anime fan myself, I sometimes find japanese names in western literature to be a little corny, not saying your writing is. It just feels silly. Try giving them more western names, or, if thats not for you, make up some weird ones like 'Genler' or 'Taico'. The whole Japanese name thing just seems misplaced.
Okay so I'm going to end my critique there since you should be able to catch onto anything that I've been nit-picking with that on your mind.
Overall, your wording is nice, and your vocabulary is not bad. You need to work on your structure terribly though, not trying to be mean or anything. Some of your comma's end up in the wrong places and your sentence structure is a little off. Also the jumping from past and present tense is sloppy. Reread your work and the reread it aloud. It will help.
Other then that, this stories got a lot of potential and keep practicing. Soon enough you'll be writing wonders
Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker
Hey Tifa,
I don't think I've seen you around here before, so welcome to YWS.
I hope you have a pleasant stay, and find the help here as good as I do.
Let's get to the review then:
For the most part, I really like your piece. I do think that with a little refining, it could be spectacular.
Now, contrary to popular belief, the word "layed" does not exist. In this context, I think the word you are looking for is "lay". Also, this is your first sentence of your piece, you want to make it exciting, gripping, and any other adjective that you might like to use to denote "grabbing the reader's attention". Your chance to hook the reader should not be wasted. There's plenty of time for pleasantries later.
While I admire your tendency to try to show us everything in such vivid detail, there comes a time when we can see that you were forcing the words. Try something more natural, like: "I watched the white blankets that were the clouds slowly drift across the sky. They were up there in the clouds, and were, together with the sun, a part of something far greater than me." And yes, "a part" should be two words. Repetition of air doesn't really do anything for me.
You might feel the crisp sensation, but saying that you felt the crisp feel seems a little clumsy.
We get it by now, you're relaxed!
I'd start the new paragraph here.
This also seems a little forced. If you're going to try to write in this smooth epic style, then perhaps you would switch "kind" for "breed"? Also, it sounds like you're telling us "for his kind, his fur was a raven's black" which is fairly off-putting. You might want to end the sentence after "large". Perhaps, "For his kind, Okamikiba was unusually large. His fur was painted as black as even the darkest of ravens."
Try keep your readers in the loop as much as you possibly can. Throwing a word such as adamantite into the equation, whether it is a made-up element, or even a real word that many of us don't know about, can be disruptive. Also, merely because they're icy, hard, sharp, or anything else, you'll have to explain how they could pierce something metal without any force. And yes, I understand that you're talking figuratively, but it really throws the reader off.
Ditch this. We already know it. Redundancies, are superfluous extraneous, unnecessary, and unwanted. Begin the paragraph "Then, my big sister..."
Now I'm going to fix up a piece of your dialogue grammar, watch carefully. Especially the new lines when someone speaks.
Why is the house large now? Why was it small before?
Don't talk down to us, how should we know your name.
Try, "Kimeru turned eighteen a few months ago. She already seemed to think that she was in charge. Six years ago, our parents died in the fire at the church."
Kill the "only".
I wish I'd forget it
This is an interesting thought. If you are so comfortable in Sakura, why are you thinking about it? Kind of convenient that you think of something you want to tell us. Rather just begin the paragraph from "Sakura was a..."
Beautiful! Except that it lay. NOT layed.
You just used lay. Try, "The five or six farms in Sakura could be found on the outskirts of the town. The remaining residents lived in small houses that lay scattered across the whole of Sakura.
This is a little disturbing. People just all of a sudden start taking their shirts off
End sentence here.
Each other is two words.
Overall, this is quite a nice piece, but it does need work. Firstly, you need to start writing more naturally. Try describing important details only. Give us information as we need it. You don't need to overload us with the background. Don't however completely neglect it either. This is also very slow and needs certain attention with regard to what actually happens. Hook us. Make us want to read more. Most importantly, ensure that we are so enthralled by your book, that we don't even notice those one or two minor mistakes.
Have a good one!
I know that the introduction goes kind of fast but it's to set the environment and the feeling of the setting. Meep! Be harsh in your critisism if you must but point out any errors. Nyeow.