Published February 7, 2008
We were once the best of Friends.
and nothing more.
But lately, everything you do
is making you the one i adore
Your words will tell me one thing,
but you actions aren't the same.
Your sending me mixed signals.
please stop this cruel game
You've made me laugh, but now i cry,
dont you see I've had enough.
Your always telling me you love her,
dont you see, I'm being tough.
My poor young heart has had enough,
but for you, i still do care.
You love her, so hold her tight.
And she'll receive my jealous stare
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141,266 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Hi TP--
A few things can improve this:
1. Capitalize 'i'. Proper grammar is very important to a piece, be it poetry, fiction, nonfiction, a title of a photograph, a painting.....everything. It is the number one turn off for reviewers if the piece is writen in netspeak, etc. It is a sign that the author doesn't care enough about the piece to take their time on it and make it accurate.
2. Use proper punctuation. It's very scattered throughout this piece. You definitely need punctuation, but it needs to be where there is a break in the reading/flow.
3. The rhyming wasn't actually bad, and it kind of worked here. However, don't that it run your poem. It can sounds forced in a few places.
4. Show, don't tell. Similies, metaphors, diction, flow, styles...all of these help to 'show' the reader and leave some things up to them rather than spelling it out.
Good luck and Happy Editing!
You certainly try hard and it shows. This is a rough piece, but it certainly can be great with a little elbow grease and concept work.
First, grammar needs to be watched extra carefully in poetry. A lot of times people think that they can just put whatever they want whereever, but a poem should read like a sentence, in most cases. For the most part you do that, but your punctuation can customize the poem a little more; my advice is to learn more about the marks and thier usages.
Second, spelling and capitalization can add a great edge to your credibility and merit as an author. Capitalization isn't so strict, but your spelling should be impecible. Dictionary.com is useful because it's quick and easy to quickly reference a word you are uncertain of. You also use the wrong forms of 'your' and 'you're'; that tends to look bad. In poetry, you want to capitalize every line, even if it is mid thought.
Third, because there aren't as many errors left for me to divide them further, I'll include them here. Syntax: make sure that everything makes sense. You last stanza or two get really iffy as your words are straining to fit the ryhme and it gets rather obvious.
Sometimes you may want to alter the thought a bit to make the sentence breaks as symmetrical as possible. You ended a sentence third line into the stanza and it provides a cumbersome natural break.
Your sentiments are great. We all know the pangs of unreturned love. you have clear ideas and points you makem so not too much trouble there. I'd read this piece a couple times and go ahead and edit it. It's worth editing because I think it will be a truly great piece once you do. SO good luck and happy writing!
Wow! This is really good! I can't rhyme well, yet you do it GREAT! I LOVE it! ^_^