I am from the hot season,
That last till the end of the summer.
*
I am from the termites,
Beneath the layers of our firewood, on Easter morning.
*
I am from the loving family;
As Penny Proud’s sister,
Puff’s chew toy,
And Suga Mama’s grandbaby.
*
I’m from he who was nailed to a cross.
Kneeling below his wings,
Sharing the red wine my brother and sisters drank and biting into the stale bread.
*
I am from beneath the earth of bones and remains, of a lost soul.
Grey hair, who wore white mittens,
White fluffy belly whose tongue, was as rough as sandpaper.
*
I’m from the lettuce,
Between the buns and patty, that Gary barbecue.
And the paprika, Sylvia peppered in the potato salad.
*
I am from the saying my grandma had said,
"I don’t play, I threw away my radio, because it had play on it."
*
I’m from the gas station,
Where the stickers were packed tightly and sealed shut on the rack.
While children passed me.
*
I am from the those days,
Where I never had to worry about growing up.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Tyradyson!
This poem was wonderful. I loved how your title led up to the poem, but didn't explain the whole piece to readers leaving it up for interpretation. Your imagery was very good and used well along with how you chose to incorporate your life experiences.
I agree with Ezra about experimenting with your word placement because it may add a smoother flow to the piece though you already have a nicely rhythmic tone with it.
Also the second line "That last till the end of the summer." has the ability for you to put an apostrophe before the "t" in till.
Aside from this your poem was great and a pleasure to read.
Keep Writing
~Catcha01
Okay thanks some things I can easily fix
Hi there! Welcome to Young Writers Society!
Could beI think you've got a good start here. I really like your images!
But as you noticed, I said you have a good start.
While this poem is about your entire childhood, I want you to tell us about a moment in the childhood, not the entire thing in one poem. You could even divide the poem using roman numerals and show several different scenes from your childhood, as you kind of have done here, but make them more detailed and specific.
As I said before, your images are really nice. But you should focus on one to three scenes instead of throwing everything in. A soup is good when you add salt and pepper, and maybe hot sauce, if you're adventurous. But when you dump every spice on your spice rack into the soup, it becomes strange tasting at best. Poetry is similar in this manner.
I also suggest that you make your line breaks in other places. Sometimes it is appropriate to have a very short line following a very long one, but here, I think you should make the lines more equal in length to each other, not only to avoid awkward line breaks, but to improve the visual in your poem. For example,
There are some things you talk about in the poem that might be a part of your childhood, but probably shouldn't be a part of this poem. For example, the Proud Family references tell us that you watched that TV show, but it makes the tone weird. First, you have some nice nature images, then you're talking about The Proud Family. It's a little jarring, if I'm honest.
Altogether, I suggest quite a rewrite of this poem, keeping many of the same images, dividing it up into stanzas, numbered or otherwise. I really liked the Easter scene, the cat (or whatever that animal was; you can add more detail to that), and the gas station. I'd focus on these three things and fill in a few more details.
But really, you have a great start! You have my like! I hope that you find this review helpful! Happy poeting!
It's actually a type of poem that is suppose to be written this way. The proud family was meant to be in there because it is part of a child hood.
This was a class project for Creative writing....
I understand that, but if after your assignment is finished, you wish to edit it further, these are some things to take into consideration.
I get that. I Understand. thank you. I do need more practice
Hey there Welcome to YWS
Nice poen by the way ^^
What I liked most was the way how you described and presented about where you came from in different ways from different perspectives ( not too confusing I hope ^^).
This poem has a nice rhythm to it and its flow is lucid and...well...nice ^^
You could however try and experimeent with the word placings...like whether they should be in the same line or in the next one. I am saying this because your word placings are a bit different but in a good way so even if you do not want to change it then it is fine really.
The second line..it should be 'lasts till the end of summer' I think.
Other then that one there are no grammatical or spelling errors!
Thats all I think. Keep writing and never hesitate to experiment.
ERZA~
I totally agree with you! Thank you