The Night Isn't Always Quiet {1}

Hello there, Tianna!

Here to review. (As requested)

TiannaJaneMorrison wrote:CHAPTER ONE


Daylight Doesn't Always
Stop The Nightmares #FF0000 ">(This is good, yeah!)






MALLORY WOKE WITH A GASP. THE DREAM HAD #FF0000 ">(I don't know but it just didn't seem right to begin the story with all in caps. I think you don't need it 'cause it's unnecessary... but you had a good starting line)seemed so real. She shook her head and checked the time on her phone. 5:23 #FF0000 ">am. Crap. #FF0000 ">(I prefer you'll have to italicize this; especially when it's coming from your MC's thoughts) She didn't have to be awake for another hour and a half, but there was no way she was going back to sleep now.
She crept across the hall and slipped into the bathroom. She stood at the sink and examined herself in the mirror. Her thick, red layers were sticking up all over the place. Seriously, Mallory thought, I must have the worst bed hair #FF0000 ">(bed hair or hair bed?) in the world. She picked up her brush and started running it through her hair while she thought over her dream.
It had been a long time since she'd had this kind of dream. She could tell they were different from her other ones, because they were too clear, too defined for her subconscious #FF0000 ">(I don't think 'subconsciuos' is the right word here, 'cause I know it's an adjective and it feels awkward to read it)to be making up. She wasn't that imaginative.
Usually Mallory couldn't make sense of the dreams at the time, but a couple of days later#FF0000 ">, a story would come up on the news that matched it perfectly. At first it was just strange things, like the first birth of a panda in Canada. But as she grew older, it started turning more sinister, like murders and kidnappings. And on the day of her seventeenth birthday, she'd had her last one until now.
But the thing that was really weird about this one was that it wasn't about anything normal, nor was it in anyway similar to the others, except for the perfect clarity of the dream. It was about giant wolves that flew and a person with immense black wings. She shook her head again and swapped her brush for her mascara. #FF0000 ">(Oohh, personally, I'll have to say first that she washed her face after putting make-up.)
She jumped and almost poked herself in the eye with it when someone knocked on the door loudly.
“Hurry up, Mallory,” her little brother Nick yelled. “It#FF0000 ">'s almost seven thirty!”
Seven thirty? Mallory wondered as she quickly finished her make-up and ducked back into her room so she could change for school. #FF0000 ">Where did that hour-and-a-half-to-get ready go?
She quickly got out of her #FF0000 "> pajamas and pulled on her uniform. Red and white checked dress, red blazer and a black tie. Too easy.
She didn't have time for a sit-down breakfast, so she grabbed an apple after she put on her T-bars. She called a quick goodbye to her mother, who had just appeared in the kitchen doorway, as she ran out the door.
School was only a five minute walk away, but Mallory usually dawdled to make it longer. She ate her apple as she walked. When she turned the corner at the end of her street, she saw two boys about her age leaning against the fence.#FF0000 ">(When you say about her age, I think you need to describe their appearances) They were both really good-looking and they didn't go to her school, which was a bonus. Fresh meat to impress her friends with.
One was really, really blonde and the other had thick black hair that kept falling in his eyes. Mallory's fingers itched to push it away, though she didn't even know his name. The blonde had deep, hazel eyes, and the black haired boy's were a bright, unnatural green. She should have known then and there that they weren't human. At least not fully.
They were both really tall and their muscles showed through the thin cotton shirts they were wearing. When she rounded the corner, both sets of their eyes flicked to her for a second, as if searching her for a threat. When they found none, they returned to casually watching the street.
There was a strange familiarity around the two boys Mallory couldn't explain. It made her hesitant to walk past them. Before she could, a loud crack made her flick her head to the right.
There was a long, jagged line in the road beside her, and it was growing. Mallory froze in surprise, eyes locked on the crack as a single #FF0000 ">talon hand grasped the edge, followed by the most frightening thing she had ever seen.
It was a person, or at least it had been. It was at least four times as tall as she was.#FF0000 ">(So she's now tall? I mean this line's quite confusing) Thick, black, leathery wings protruded #FF0000 ">from between from between its shoulder blades, so shocking Mallory couldn't pull her eyes away from them for long enough to determine if it was male or female. Scales shone from around its waist and on its shoulders. Long, dark fangs were displayed as it threw its head back and roared at the sky. She shook her head. Surely she was imagining things. Having hallucinations. But every time she opened her eyes again, it was still there. By now she was too scared to scream.
The winged creature hardly spared a glance for Mallory. It turned immediately to the two boys.
“Stupid, stupid aerewolves, disturbing Telgan's slumber,” it muttered under its breath, its voice gravelly and slightly distorted. They hadn't moved at all. It chuckled, a dark, menacing sound. “So my disguising charms still work. I would have thought they had worn away, with all those years under the ground while the humans poured concrete and steel over Telgan's head. Well, these young aerewolves will have to be enough to still Telgan's anger.”
Mallory's eyes widened. If her assumptions were correct, this thing was planning to hurt those two boys, maybe even kill them. She couldn't just stand by and let that happen. But what could she do? She was just Mallory.
She straightened suddenly as a strange thought passed through her mind, leaving a burning trail of change behind it. She knew exactly what she had to do, as if she had been fighting these creatures all her life.
Mallory dropped her school bag and began running toward the beast, her eyes locked on its scaly back.

~~ #FF0000 ">I'm not sure of how you placed this, but is this how you changed the POV? I don't think so. A continuation perhaps?

Jet looked in surprise at the unknown school girl as she sprinted towards him. There was something strangely familiar about her, like he'd known her in a past life. As he watched, she flung herself into the air and a pair of white wings sprouted from her back. They made her look even smaller than she actually was. He glanced up at Lucien, who was gaping in disbelief at the girl. They should have detected that she was an archangel as soon as she turned the corner. Maybe the archangels had created another, undetectable species. Hence the white wings.
Both Jet and Lucien tensed themselves for a fight. But the girl wasn't looking at them. She was staring at the empty space in front of them, a look of intense concentration on her face. She drew her hands together into a ball close to her chest and closed her eyes briefly as a strong orange glow appeared around them. She smiled a little as she flung her hands forward, the glow plunging through the air before them. There was a loud shattering noise as the glow hit the disguising charms surrounding another archangel, which had its talons just two metres away from Jet and Lucien. This one was much more frightening than the girl.
“Telgan,” Lucien spat. This was the archangel he and Jet had been sent to destroy. Now it seemed they had their work cut out for them.
Telgan swung his hand around, trying to catch the girl, but he met another orange flash. He toppled under the strength of her magic, and Jet wondered how powerful this seemingly normal schoolgirl was. She was so small next to the other archangel.
Another orange blast, and Telgan's eyes rolled back in his head. Three times she had shot Telgan, and had achieved what would've taken Jet and Lucien together hours to complete. Plus, if it weren't for her, they both would be dead.
So when the girl fell from the air, both Jet and Lucien rushed forward to help her. Now that they were closer, they could see that her wings were not leathery like Telgan's, but soft and feathered.
“Well, that's something you don't see every day,” Jet said. “Even for us. Never seen an archangel with feathered wings before. Or white ones.”
“What's an archangel?” the girl asked feebly. “And who are you?”
“I'm Lucien, and this is Jet,” said Lucien. “And you should know what an archangel is. You are one.”
“What?” she demanded, shooting into a sitting position.#FF0000 ">(Sitting position on the air?) “I've never heard of that word in my entire life, and you think you can tell me that I'm something from Heaven?”
“Actually, archangels are from Hell,” Jet pointed out smoothly. After a moment, he added, “Only plain angels are from Heaven.”
Lucien shot Jet a 'you aren't helping' look and said, “I know #FF0000 ">it's a lot to take in. If you come with us, we'll take you to someone who can explain this better than I can.”
“Was that thing I killed an archangel too?” she asked. “Wait. Don't answer that. It was a stupid question. It's not like it would fit in, even if it did play the harp. Or don't angels play the harp anymore?”
Despite the situation, both boys laughed. Then Lucien turned serious. “Are you sure you don't know anything about archangels? Anything at all?”
“No,” she said immediately, reflexively. Then she gasped. “Actually, I think I dreamt about one last night.”
“What?” Jet and Lucien asked in union.
“Yeah, I'm sure of it now. It was in a wood somewhere, and it attacked two wolves – a black one and a grey one – but they were all in the air. I know it sounds really weird, but . . .” She trailed off as she caught the shocked glances Jet and Lucien were giving each other.
“I think you'd better tell us all you can remember of that dream,” said Jet.
The girl swallowed loudly. #FF0000 ">(seriously, swallow loudly? why? quite funny when I read it) “Well, when it began I was watching two wolves walk through a wood I didn't know. One was a silvery-grey and the other was pitch black. After a while, they stopped, and the grey wolf stood up and turned into a boy.” She paused for a second and looked up at Lucien, #FF0000 ">realization dawning on her face. “He looked exactly like you. You could have been twins. Unless-”
The girl suddenly broke off and pushed herself away from Jet and Lucien. “I can't have seen you in my dreams. It isn't possible. Please tell me I'm hallucinating. Tell me I've had a breakdown and now I'm in a mental hospital, imagining all of this.”
“Let me guess what happened next,” Jet said dryly, ignoring her pleas. “The other wolf turned into me, right?”
She nodded, tears in her eyes.
Lucien moved closer and crouched in front of her. “What's your name?”
“Mallory. My name's Mallory.”

I really liked this. I'd say the title could use some work, but overall it was very catching. I was unsure about reading it and thought, "archangels? wolves? nah", but I'm glad that I gave it a chance. I'm not sure where the story is headed, but I think it would be a good idea to push this chapter foward and write a few pages about the events (dreams) that lead up to this, suspense is good, and I think this gives up too much information at the start. I'd like to get a feel for who Mallory is as a character before I find out all this good stuff about her being an archangel. Keep up the good work, and WRITE! This is awesome.

P.S. I love the names! They're normal yet, yet...just right for the story you're telling. You didn't try too hard to be different.