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140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
Hiya Forever! Here is my review. XD
You used enormous one too many times in this sentence, hon. Take out one of them, and replace it with something else. It's not good to use a word too many times in a sentence.
I think you made a typo here. You put sister twice instead of putting mother once, I believe.
You are missing something here. Some type of punctuation or something, because this sentence doesn't make sense at all. Try reading over it again and fix whatever it is, because I'm not sure what the exact problem is.
Don't forget those commas.
You started this weird. Is this a totally new part? If it is, put a line or the little stars (*).
I don't think you meant to put snow twice, hon.
Wouldn't she know if she didn't write it or not? The way you made it sound here, was that she wasn't sure if she didn't do it or not.
Typo. No t at the end of even.
Since this is a thought, it would probably be best to put it in italics. Even if it is first person, it would be a good idea.
You don't have to put a period after Miss. It's one of those weird words. For Mr. and Mrs., you do put the period. But not for Mister or Mistress.
Do you get it?
This part was a little weird I thought. With all the parentheiss, it was....weird?
It just didn't work with me.
If a number is below ten, it is better to write out the number instead of just putting the number. Like, instead of putting 2, put two.
It's my sister and I, hon.
Wow. I guess I was in a nit-picking mood today.
Anyway, one thing you might want to look out for is commas. You left out a lot of them throughout the whole post. I didn't show them all, but still, watch out.
Also, like what others had said before, the dialogue seems a bit unrealistic. Would they really be saying that?
Also, it's okay with all the stuff. I still mess up on it, too, hon. XD
On the actual story, I thought this was a great idea!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
*Cat
Hmm. Interesting.
A few spelling errors hear and there, but a good plot.
Maybe work on more details in the dialogue to make it sound more believable.
To be honest, I found your story choppy to the extream, and Luxa's character was pretty unbeleiveable. Jealousy is one thing, but why on earth does she break into tears? I'd think it was fake, but you portrayed it as real emotion and that quick a turn around is not realistic. Neither is the fact that after one letter another country is willing to go to wra, without even an attempt to sort things out. and then to just say, OK, now that you've told us we won't fight? It dosn't make sense! I think that this story needs a compleate overhaul, because while the characters could be very goo if you developed them more your plot makes no sense what so ever. Sorry for being so brutal, but I hope that what I said actually helps.