The Piper Legend (Prologue~Edited)

All down the streets Brigitta dances, joyfully and nonchalantly to the sound of the cappella melody played by the Piper. Her feet move willingly but with somewhat masked force, like her body is ignoring her better conscience. She twirls through thickets and emerald glades, never tiring. The jovial man, with his pure notes urges her on. And with his distinct refrain, pirouette are spun.

Up a mountain she ascends, farther from her village, in a sort of trance. Her feet still move in a playful jig, but now her heart really isn't in it. She looks back down into the valley; but where she once saw her home, she now sees acres of trees winding up the steep coloir, and blending into the sharp red-brown rocks she has just ascended with the still playing, still jubilant Piper. His song is drawing to an end and the other children, she sees have begun to slow their frantic frolic. She is now at the summit of this mountain. Her legs and feet ache, but it's a melancholy feeling, not a sharp pain. At the crest of the peak, smooth boulder lies in front of her, and that is all that is left to conquer.

The Piper too has stopped and takes the flute from his lips. He holds it behind his slim, neat figure and turns to address her and the other children. It's a motley group of perhaps twenty strong.

"Hello children," he begins. She can tell he's trying hard to sound friendly and amiable. The last syllable he says are always forced upwards in a giddy manner. "Hello, and welcome! I'm going to show you a wonderland beyond your wildest dreams. Where no grown up can tell you what to do- you can do whatever you’d like. "

The children around her smile and laugh at that. She must be the eldest, everyone seems young and naive. She’s twelve and would very much appreciate some liberty from the demanding commands of the controlling adults who dare to try and contain her. Her defiance is torn. She'd be free from the rules that monopolize her life, but she'd be obliging to the Piper, who seems, underneath his honeyed smile and beautiful music, deceptive. She sees it deep in his eyes, and hidden in his gait.

The Piper is contented with the eager shouts and turns away from the children. He taps the boulder's irregularly smooth face in a series of complex movements. The children gasp as the rock's center melts slowly away leaving them gazing into a green meadow that is bathed in warm sunlight and cloaked with a blue sky that is so cobalt it seems like an ocean floating above.

A glittering, psychedelic ladder spirals it's way up to where she is standing.

"Go on sweetie..." The Piper encourages, a bit impatiently. The other children wait anxiously for her to descend. She takes one last look at the natural beauty of her homeland and then starts to carefully step down the ladder into the superficial world that lies below.

Note: This story is loosely based on the Pied Piper fairytale.*

Comments

Points: 792
Reviews: 89

Donate

Sun Apr 19, 2009 6:38 pm

mimimac wrote a review...

Hallo!
Mia here as requested!
*Hands Forever Threnody a purple cookie* ^_^
I couldn't find any big mistakes, so I became a bit mean and nitpicked the entire piece. :twisted:

Her feet move willingly but with somewhat masked force, like her body is ignoring her better conscience

I think this sentence would be all the better if 'ignore' were changed to 'defying'. For it is as if her body is going against what her mind is telling her to do.

And with his distinct refrain, pirouette are spun.

I think you should remove the 'and'.

Up a mountain she ascends, farther from her village, in a sort of trance.

I don't think 'in a sort of trance' does this story any justice.

Maybe you could replace it with 'in a trance-like state.'?

His song is drawing to an end and the other children, she sees have begun to slow their frantic frolic.

Hmm, not too sure about this sentence. The structure seems off. Maybe you could change it to: 'His song is drawing to the end, and she sees that the other children have begun to slow their frantic frolic. '

At the crest of the peak, smooth boulder lies in front of her, and that is all that is left to conquer.

Should there be an 'a' in front of smooth? So it becomes: 'a smooth boulder lies in front of her,'.

The Piper too has stopped and takes the flute from his lips.

I think you should replace 'takes' with 'removes'.

The children around her smile and laugh at that.

This is just a nitpick, but if I were one of these children, I wouldn't be smiling and laughing. I'd be cheering and shouting with joy. If they're really happy about going to this wonderful place, try show it more.

She must be the eldest, everyone seems young and naive.

Add 'else' after 'everyone', this is because without the 'else' it could include her as well.

The Piper is contented with the eager shouts and turns away from the children.

You've never said anything about 'shouts' before, add it where I told you about the 'smiling and laughing'. Add something like: 'The children around her shout joyfully' or something along those lines.

The children gasp as the rock's center melts slowly away leaving them gazing into a green meadow that is bathed in warm sunlight and cloaked with a blue sky that is so cobalt it seems like an ocean floating above.

Wow... An entire sentence like that without any commas? I tried reading this aloud without taking a breath (comma = breathe) and I couldn't. Add a comma after: "away" and "sunlight".

A glittering, psychedelic ladder spirals it's way up to where she is standing.

When someone says "psychedelic" to me, I think of the 60s...

She takes one last look at the natural beauty of her homeland and then starts to carefully step down the ladder into the superficial world that lies below.

Add a comma after 'homeland'.

Characters
Since this is just a prologue, there isn't that much character development, but I think you wrote enough for this piece. We saw that even though in the end Brigitta does what the piper says, she does not trust him, and knows there's something wrong with him. Even when she's dancing and through descriptions, her character showed and I loved this.

The Piper scared me a little for some reason, in the way he talked to the children, but that's just me. He seems very sly and decietful, he's hiding the real reason why he wants all those children. You did an excellent job on showing his personality through subtle hints.

Descriptions
Your descriptions are beautiful! You described everything wonderfully, and did not overload us with information. You showed as well as told it (which is perfect in this story) and I understood everything perfectly. I also loved how the entire piece seemed like a poem, your choice of words helped in this, and gave it a very song-like air.

Plot
Hmm, not much to say here since this is a prologue.

Overall
I loved it all! If you're continuing the story, are you giving the piper's tale a twist? Or writing what happened to the children? I would definitely be interested in reading more.
Keep up the awesome job!!

PM me if you need any other reviews or if you have any questions.

xxMiaxx

Points: 17895
Reviews: 489

Donate

Fri Apr 10, 2009 8:02 pm

Dreamwalker wrote a review...

Hi there Forever Threnody . It's Dreamwalker here with a review as promised!

Okay so first of all, my critique! Dun dun dunnn... just kidding .

joyfully and nonchalantly

I adore you wording and the first sentence definityly stands out to me, but putting the two words of joyful and nonchalant seems sort of off. Joyfull is carefree happiness. Nonchalant is like a sense of superiority or carelessness in a higher manner as if they dont care for they are civilized. This sentence does work, I just thought I would nit-pick it so you could know

The jovial man, with his pure notes urges her on.

I believe in proper structure, there should be a comma between notes and urges for in this bit the sentence, although short, could work without the 'with his pure notes', hence why is has comma's in the first place. Just a little food for thought.

She looks back down into the valley; but where she once saw her home, she now sees acres of trees winding up the steep coloir, and blending into the sharp red-brown rocks she has just ascended with the still playing, still jubilant Piper.

I wouldn't particularily use the semicolon in this bit, and there is no need for a comma between 'coloir' and 'and' unless you were not to use the connecting word of and.

His song is drawing to an end and the other children, she sees have begun to slow their frantic frolic.

Again the comma isnt needed.

At the crest of the peak, smooth boulder lies in front of her, and that is all that is left to conquer.

I believe there should be 'a' infront of smooth.

It's a motley group of perhaps twenty strong.

I dont necessarily like how this sentence is worded, probably because of the strong at the end. Maybe reword the sentence and put twenty at the end of it or another word for children behind strong, like maybe enfants or some sort.

Where no grown up can tell you what to do- you can do whatever you’d like.

This part is fairly tricky. The Where should either not be there at all or there should be a comma before it connecting it to the sentence prior.

She sees it deep in his eyes, and hidden in his gait.

No need for a comma.

so cobalt it seems like an ocean floating above.

I find this part cute in an ironic way for it is the ocean that reflects the colour of the sky. For the sky to be the colour of the ocean, then the ocean must be the colour of the sky.. which would never end in that sense.

A glittering, psychedelic ladder spirals it's way up to where she is standing.

Psychedelic does not seem to fit this bit very well. I wouldnt use that for the word choice there.

Characters

Your main character's personality is fairly vague but it is just a prologue so I wont be too picky on this subject. I like how the Piper is turning out to sound like though, for he seems to be quite the mysterious person and for a prologue to have character development is definitly a feat of great accomplishement.

Setting

Your setting was fairly interesting and very descriptive. I would have liked to hear a little more about her homeland, but again it is just a prologue. Definitly and interesting concept by far and your wording is beautiful.

Grammer/Punctuation

You seem to have some comma problems, but mostly your grammer is phenominal and poetic.

Overall

I do believe I love this prologue. It gave away just the right amount of information and gave me quite insight on how things are going to turn out. Your vocabulary is brilliant and oh so poetic. Your words thrill me and really it has such a wonderful tone. I do love this quite a lot and I give you props for writing a terrific prologue. Please, if you write more, PM me for more reviews for I would love to read more from this interesting story.

Amazing job and keep writing.

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Points: 1155
Reviews: 98

Donate

Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:39 pm

chasingcolts21 wrote a review...

Here's the review I owe you. Thanks for having me come here, I really liked this story. *Epic awesomeness*

I'm sorry, but I have not read Pied Piper either, but you didn't lose me yet.

Up a mountain she goes, farther from her village, in a sort of trance.

I despise the verb goes here. Get colorful, I know you can.

The children around her smile and laugh at that.

Description-
The description was amazing. You used colorful verbs, descriptive adjectives and adverbs. Nice nouns. Perhaps more imagery could help...but otherwise it's perfect!

Also, try letting us get in her head a bit more. Amazing vocabulary.

:arrow:

Grammar-
You were amazing here too, not many errors. They were already covered by the others. You have the best vocabulary I have seen here so far. Kudos!

"Hello, children," he begins. She can tell he's trying hard to sound friendly and amiable.

Plot-
The start of the plot is great so far, but perhaps make something happen to actually start the story. I like prologues with a cliffhanger, it'll get me to continue reading for sure. You kind of have the start of one.

:arrow:

Overall-
-Your commas and periods were used mostly correctly to my pleasure.
-Describe the location a bit more please.
-As I've said twice now, great vocabulary.
-Great spelling.
-Oh, and personally, when writing, I write out numbers, even if over ten. It's easier to me, but that's just me. -_-

You must continue this, it was epically awesome! I love your style of writing; I can see you being published one day. This story sparkles amongst the others here. You earned a gold star.

Best of Luck,
Colt.

Points: 803
Reviews: 107

Donate

Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:31 am

fluteluvr77 wrote a review...

Kaii! I love your signature! It amuses me! XD Thanks for using my thread! This prologue is just too cute! Anywayz, onto the review! I figured you wanted an overall review...I didn't see any grammar mistakes, so y'know!

:arrow: Imagery - I know this is just a prologue but I would still like a little more imagery. For instance, what does the mountain look like? Is it rugged? Does it hurt her feet? Is it smooth and slippery? Is there a red glow of the sunset making the summit glow? Does it have a particular shape? Is it a shiny silver? Or is it a dull shade of gray? You get the idea right? I would do the same thing with the ladder...Alright, so it's glittering and it's psychedelic (haha, I love you for using that word by the way!)...It makes it a little hard to picture. Is it made of rope or metal? Is it long or short? Is it waving in the wind? Or is it sturdy compared to the leaves in the meadow? It doesn't have to be in too much detail...I mean, it is the prologue...But, I'd appreciate being able to picture all this a little bit more ^_^...

:arrow: Characterization - Your story was unique in that I understood the side character better than the MC...Anywayz, I'd like to get into Brigitta's head a little more here. What is she thinking as she dances down the street? Are different thoughts flitting through her brain, but the dance is stopping her from thinking? You tell us that she sees the children as naive, but how? Does she give them condescending glances when they applaud the Pied Piper? Does she think they are dumb because they believe him? Or does she think that she is thinking too deeply? When she is expected to go down the ladder, are there butterflies in her stomach? Is she scared because she is watched by everyone? You say that she climbs down carefully...Why? Is it because she fears what is below? Or is it because she doesn't want to leave her homeland? You get the idea right?

:arrow: Mood - This is a rather opinionated topic, so I'll try not to elaborate too much! You managed to convey a mood of anticipation in the beginning extremely well. However after she met the Pied Piper, she didn't seem excited or scared enough. When she meets the Pied Piper, does she feel slightly satisfied because he is what she has been trying to find? Or is she scared because he seems to have a control over her when he plays? Even if I felt cautious, I would still be a little excited. For instance, is there a sparkle in her eye as she descends the ladder? Even through all the fear, I would still be a little excited at the prospect of new adventure! Especially if I was twelve years old...and considered the oldest of the group. The idea of leadership would add to both my fear and excitement.

:arrow: Diction - I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. I liked the vocabulary you used (especially the word psychedelic), so no real problems here...I think the other reviewers covered these nitpicks XD.

:arrow: Overall - Good job on this in general. It was a bit short so I couldn't really find too much to critique...Sorry...But good job on this! The idea of this story is just too cute! Gold star for you! I'd love to continue reading and reviewing when the next part is up! PM me if you have any questions or need a review on the next part...

fluteluvr77<3

Points: 1040
Reviews: 7

Donate

Wed Mar 11, 2009 2:47 am

Windy Silvermist says...

Is there going to be more to this story? I mean its a cliff hanger. Just wondering I like it. :lol:

Points: 7061
Reviews: 277

Donate

Tue Mar 10, 2009 12:20 pm

Master_Yoda wrote a review...

Hi There

Let's get to the review:

Forever Threnody wrote:All down the streets Brigitta dances, joyfully and nonchalantly to the sound of the cappella melody played by the Piper.

Is the word "nonchalantly" really the one you want to use over here? Because if she is dancing joyfully, then under normal circumstances, or even most unusual circumstances, she wont be dancing nonchalantly. Perhaps, "Birgitta dances joyfully, hypnotized by the cappella medoly played by the piper." *Note, piper is not capitalized.

Her feet move willingly but with somewhat masked force, like her body is ignoring her better conscience.

Maybe, "On the surface, her feet seem to move willingly, but at a closer look, it seems as though her body is ignoring her better judgement.

And with his distinct refrain, pirouette are spun.

Perhaps, "through his distinct refrain, pirouettes are spun".

but now her heart really isn't in it.

I would cut out the "Now", and the "Really".

She looks back down into the valley; but where she once saw her home,

If you want to use the "but", replace the semicolon with a comma, otherwise, drop the "but".

The last syllable he says are always forced upwards in a giddy manner.

Perhaps, "His last syllables are always forced upwards giddily.

[quoteI'm going to show you a wonderland beyond your wildest dreams. [/quote]
I'd drop the "wonder". I think it would read better.

Where no grown up can tell you what to do- you can do whatever you’d like.

Does this need to have a separate sentence? It feels a little clumsy.

The children around her smile and laugh at that.

Perhaps, "The children around her cheer."

the rules that monopolize sher life

I think perhaps "define" would be a good substitute to monopolize, as even she knows her life is not monopolized. Also, her, not sher.

A glittering, psychedelic ladder spirals it's way up to where she is standing.

Beautiful line!

"Go on, sweetie..." The Piper encourages, a bit impatiently. The other children wait anxiously for her to descend. She takes one last look at the natural beauty of her homeland and then starts to carefully step down the ladder into the superficial world that lies below.

Beautiful ending aside from the fact that the audience already knows about the "superficial" world. I would just say, "into the world that lies below".

Overall: This is a really nice piece. Your character and her descriptions are beautiful, and your prose is fairly strong as well. We have not seen much of your story, although I think that you have given us enough to work with to make us want more.

Well done!
Have a good one!

Points: 3
Reviews: 198

Donate

Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:50 am

Dreamworx95 wrote a review...

Ahh, I enjoyed this very much. The descriptions were absolutely breathtaking. Are you seriously only thirteen? Wow. Insane, sis.

Since you mentioned that the piper seemed deceptive "underneath his honeyed smile and beautiful music" I'm curious to know what's going on in that deceptive mind of his, why he's leading the children to a meadow under a giant rock.

I have never actually read the Pied Piper, so I don't really know where this is going.

In any case, keep going. You're doing good.

Ciao,

Dream.

Young Writers Society

The Piper Legend (Prologue~Edited)

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources