The weighty glass of the snifter was shattered across the counter. The man had, until now, been sitting in front of it sipping cognac pensively. Now he was eating the face off of a clock, that hung over the doorway, from atop a barstool carried over for the occasion. As he licked his lips, pulling the number eight from between them and spitting it dismissively onto the stained tile, he looked at me directly in the chest and said in a shockingly steady voice,
"By the tongue of Mary, I've found it! Pour me another drink Lydia, this feeling can't last forever! I feel like a new man. You know, this reminds me of a quote from the Bible. 'Don't despair, not even over the fact that you don't despair.' "
He was the only one in the bar, the time being approximately 2:15 PM, and I had no reason not to oblige. I reached for a clean snifter but he ran towards me from across the room, his eyes suddenly distraught and puerile. His gait accelerated into a barrel which ended in a full body collision with one of the torn bar stools. He stood up laughing, shaking his bloody brow to and fro, and heaving himself on top of the counter.
"Lydia, you don't understand. It's gotta be this one. This one, you see?" He had gathered the glass of the snifter he had shattered earlier with his briefcase and had proceeded to stack the pieces on top each other in a kind of vague mockery of Chihuly. "Fill 'er up?" he implored, looking up at me expectantly. "Please? Come on, it's your job, barmaid!" he added, widening his eyes until they resembled frogs'.
"Valentine, you know that's not gonna happen," I replied, stealing a glance at the tower of broken glass. "And I prefer the title 'Mixologist', " I added, licking my lips impatiently and tapping on the counter. My eyes wandered to the clock, but I quickly remembered that a devoured clock was rather obsolete.
"Fine. You're right. Enough cognac for tonight. You're a good person, ya know that, Lydia? No matter what..." He took a deep breath before continuing, "You've got my back. So...uh...how about a White Russian? Wait, make it a Kournikova since I'm on a diet, remember?"
There was a silence between us and I heard the faucet drip, awkwardly and unaware that it was imposing itself on such a delicate situation. Then, the man tumbled to the ground and broke into pieces. The sharp edges left deep scratches on the floor and some of the smaller bits fell in between cracks.
"Valentine!" I hurried from behind the counter and picked up his head from the floor. I hastily brushed bigger pieces of him into a pile, making a mental note to collect them later. I set his head in front of me on a dishtowel and bent down to meet his eyes, which were freely dripping tears. "What's wrong Valentine? You've gone to pieces."
"You're hilarious, Lydia," he groaned, gargling a mouthful of tears that had slipped from his eyes to his tongue. "I can't stand it, I'm torn. This stress is making me brittle."
"Quite so. Well, you may as well tell me about it. It seems we both have eternity." I began tidying up and preparing for the 5:00 rush.
"Well you chose that for yourself. I'm just stuck here," he muttered disparagingly, catching another mouthful of tears and snot that ran freely down his stranded face. He spewed it rather aggressively onto my glassware, coating it with phlegm and saltwater. "But I may as well tell you, might be good to get it off my back. At least it will pass the time while I collect myself," he relented, revelling in my look of disgust. "I cry like a candle, you know? Every tear makes me squishy until I just dissolve into a pool of my own despair. Leave me to harden."
"Take your time," I replied. I fixed my hair in the reflection of a highball. I wiped the mascara that had left tracks under my eyes like errant lashes and wondered what I was doing here. Twenty-two and contractually bound to mixing cocktails for the rest of my life. If only I had -
"It's my wife," he started started suddenly, jolting me out of my thoughts.
"Magye?" I asked.
"No, Bozena," he corrected, with a gesture that told me I should abandon the idea of Magye at once.
"Ah, the one you got in the mail," I shrugged, indicating my disapproval with a sideways glance.
"Now if you would kindly and delicately shut up, my charming Lydia, I want to tell you this without you dripping a steady stream of logorrhoea. It's as bad as its putrid counterpart and has a worse texture."
Without waiting for me to respond, he began his story, indicating its commencement with as flourishing a gesture as he could muster.
End of chapter
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140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
"which ended in a full body collision with one of the torn bar stools"
This reads as if the barrel ended up in a full body collision: whereas it should be the acceleration of the gait that does so.
"awkwardly and unaware that it was"
I like this idea, but I'm just wondering whether it would read more smoothly as "awkwardly unaware that it was"
"Then, the man tumbled"
Given the general creativity of the piece, I was a little underwhelmed by the "then, this happened" style of this sentence. It's not bad, but it doesnt really gel with your creative prose.
"You've gone to pieces"
Yesssssss.
"get it off my back"
"getting of the back" usually refers to a person nagging or threatening, whereas "getting it off the chest" refers to admitting or vocalising a problem to make it easier to deal with.
"indicating its commencement with as flourishing a gesture as he could muster."
I enjoyed this greatly too, it's strength to me is that just as he flourishes at hte beginning of his tail, so is your telling of it a literary flourish. Very Fun.
I'm enjoying the conceptual play: not quite understanding what's going on, but building up some strong characterisation nevertheless. it reminds me of Gunnerkrigg Court, or Neil Gaiman, as I may have mentioned regarding your writing style before.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more use, but this has been subject to some rather effective reviews, so I just focussed on the outliers and gave my general opinion. Hope it was useful!
Hi Threnody!
I think this would be more punchy if it were more active. I’m not sure if this is officially passive voice or no, but it feels passive. If you made it present tense, it would be more exciting. Or if you don’t want to focus too much on the spillage, then maybe go straight to Valentine eating the clock.
I think you have a surfeit of commas here. I’ve bolded the ones to be nixed. Your prose here is a little stilted. You could reword to get a better rhythm. “Pensively sipping cognac” sounds better, and “from atop a barstool...” sounds kind of tacked-on. Maybe reword it so you have the stool and get it out of the way so we can focus on the clock. The clock is more interesting than the stool, but having the stool last makes us focus on that instead. Maybe something like, Until now, the man had been sitting in front of it, pensively sipping cognac. Now he was standing on a barstool, eating the face off a clock hung over the doorway. I think it flows better like that, but you may disagree. This is most excellently eccentric, so it needs to be worded perfectly to show it off to its best. ^_^
Also, why do you refer to Valentine as “the man”? This is Lydia’s POV, so she knows who he is, so she wouldn’t think of him as “the man”. Referring to him from the beginning as Valentine gets more inside Lydia’s head and gives us that intimacy and immediacy so we know that this is her story.
Repetition is icky. I’d reword to something like He had gathered the glass of the shattered snifter and was stacking the pieces of top of each other...
Two tags for one bit of dialogue look cluttered. I’d nix the last one and just keep the description.
A few paragraphs ago she said she had no reason not to oblige him, so why doesn’t she give him a drink? Her action confuses me a bit as well. Why is she licking her lips and tapping on the counter, and why is she doing these two actions at the same time? It’s very random and doesn’t seem connected to anything or be of any significance.
*snerks*
Comma is wrong. If there’s no tag, end dialogue with a full stop.
Repeated word.
[quote]"Ah, the one you got in the mail," I shrugged, indicating my disapproval with a sideways glance.
“Shrugged” isn’t a speaking action, so it can’t really count as a tag, so that comma should be a full stop.
---
Hi!
So far your idea seems really cool. I’m guessing this pub is maybe in some kind of hell or afterlife or purgatory or somewhere in-between. Valentine’s falling to pieces and Lydia’s mention of a contract piques my curiosity, and I’m definitely intrigued to know more. Drop a request in WRFF thread when you have more posted!
I like the humour, and you have a good pace and your dialogue is very naturalistic. The main thing that could be improved is the rhythm of your prose. It comes across as rather clunky sometimes, like the word order is wrong. Like with the first bit I mentioned about the clock. You need to make your prose streamlined and say things in a linear fashion. Some more description would be nice as well. As someone below me said, there's very little description of the setting. My mental picture of the bar was something vaguely steampunk, shiny brown wood surfaces and dim lights and a heavy atmosphere, but that might be completely wrong, so clarification is needed, I think.
Wall or PM me if you have any questions or if I was unclear on anything!
-twit
Hey, great piece you've got here - excellent, in fact.
Really though, it's a great piece with just a few slip-ups, here and there, but nothing too major to complain about form me!
I couldn't fault it for the most part, there's excellent characterisation, and for such a tender age that is 16, you've grasped alcoholic beverages quite well
"his eyes suddenly distraught and puerile" - I'm not too sure that puerile should be usd to describe Valentine here; to me he certainly doesn't seem childish, perhaps mischievous or cheeky, but certainly not childish!
"He had gathered the glass of the snifer he had shattered earlier with his briefcase and had proceeded to stack the pieces on top each other in a kind of vague mockery of Chihuly." - you just misspelled "snifter" here, that's all.
"I cry like a candle, you know? Every tear makes me squishy until I just dissolve into a pool of my own despair. Leave me to harden." - I just wanted to point out that this was a grreat little image here, really added to the characerisation - half-philosophical, half-nonsensical - it made me giggle as it reminds me of a few folk I know :')
""Take your time," I replied. I fixed my hair in the reflection of a highball." - again, just a little grimey detail here that adds a touch of flair to your work: devil's in the detail, eh!
"No, Bozena," he corrected, with a gesture that told me I should abandon the idea of Magye at once." - yet another great little detail that speaks volumes, don't lose these on furture works, or I'll be greatly disappointed!
All in all, a great piece, capturing the typical, everyday life and familiarity of the bar. The characters are surprisingly well fleshed out, and the environment seems to be pretty believeable itself, too, so it's a bright start and can't wait to read more! Well done!
Hey, great piece you've got here - excellent, in fact.
Really though, it's a great piece with just a few slip-ups, here and there, but nothing too major to complain about form me!
I couldn't fault it for the most part, there's excellent characterisation, and for such a tender age that is 16, you've grasped alcoholic beverages quite well
"his eyes suddenly distraught and puerile" - I'm not too sure that puerile should be usd to describe Valentine here; to me he certainly doesn't seem childish, perhaps mischievous or cheeky, but certainly not childish!
"He had gathered the glass of the snifer he had shattered earlier with his briefcase and had proceeded to stack the pieces on top each other in a kind of vague mockery of Chihuly." - you just misspelled "snifter" here, that's all.
"I cry like a candle, you know? Every tear makes me squishy until I just dissolve into a pool of my own despair. Leave me to harden." - I just wanted to point out that this was a grreat little image here, really added to the characerisation - half-philosophical, half-nonsensical - it made me giggle as it reminds me of a few folk I know :')
""Take your time," I replied. I fixed my hair in the reflection of a highball." - again, just a little grimey detail here that adds a touch of flair to your work: devil's in the detail, eh!
"No, Bozena," he corrected, with a gesture that told me I should abandon the idea of Magye at once." - yet another great little detail that speaks volumes, don't lose these on furture works, or I'll be greatly disappointed!
All in all, a great piece, capturing the typical, everyday life and familiarity of the bar. The characters are surprisingly well fleshed out, and the environment seems to be pretty believeable itself, too, so it's a bright start and can't wait to read more! Well done!
hey there.
) and acts. You make him sound more interesting then Lydia whom I think is your main character. Bring out more of Lydia. Make her character more likeable.
) and get readers hooked. Suspence is important. The part were you wrote about Lydia having a choice unlike Valentine and now they have eternity made me wonder what happened. That was good.
This was an interesting peice although somewhat confusing.
Charecters
I think the way you portrayed you charecters was good. The valentine guy especially. Although I'm not getting much of Lydia. I can get who Valentine is because of the way he talks(he talks too much.
plot
It was interesting but I really don't see where this is going. Usually when you read something you can use one peice of information given to you to start guessing what would happen next and makes you curious to know more. That's whats missing here. You need to build up some more tension (although you seem to have one already I think it would need more meat to it.
That part where you ended with Valentine relling his story could have been made int a cliff hanger. In a way it sort of kind of is...because Lydia mentioned this name that he seemed to not wnt to talk about. I think you could build on there or add more emotion too it. Maybe making readers want to know what happened. That way when he starts his story people will be left to really wonder what it is. I guess there are other ways like maybe creating a tense moment as he tries to tell his story, curious readers would want to know more.
setting
I know for a fact that they're in a bar, I really don't know how to picture it though. I think some description of the place would be nice. Some more imagery. You don't have to but I just think that it would be better. Maybe by picturing the place that you wanted readers to see will help in setting the mood of the story. Also I'm not so sure about the time line going on here. It would help alot in creating an image if readers were picturing the correct time line. I can't tell because theres already some strange things happening that's messing up with my sense of time here.
other stuff
I think that writing time in words would be better. like 5 'o clock instead of
Also when someone new is speaking start their speech on a new line.
I hope this helped you
-Zo
As much as I like using the passive voice myself, this was way too much passive voice all at once, and in the first sentence, no less. It was particularly obvious with how the second sentence is in the active voice, as well, which lead to a feeling of a sudden tense shift.
I'd strongly recommend reworking this first sentence into a more active voice. Some simple verb substitutions would go a long way in adding more action while also making the scene more vivid. Example: "The weighty glass of the snifter lay shattered across the counter".
The opening line is really not inspiring as-is.
A nitpick, but you were a bit inconsistent with the commas, especially when Valentine was addressing Lydia.
That aside, I liked this, especially the more surreal aspects of it, especially with how the various metaphors turned out to be literal.