*A song that sprung up upon impulse. My life has nothing to do with this whatsoever so don't worry.*
A soft piano plays in the backround as someone like Issac Slade sings.
Have the stars abandoned us lifeless?
Will the sky blame us too for this mess?
Has the power been cut
Our minds gone from our thoughts,
Will heaven finally make us confess?
Will the reveries leave us soon, too?
Doomed to die at our own Waterloo?
Our hearts have been deemed cold,
Our innocence a fold,
Can we not ultimately renew?
It's true out life was all arrogance,
Our ambitions do mount even since,
But our souls must be good,
Redeem, we will- we could,
But it's hard to forgive reminisce.
They say we must burn for all of this,
But what have we done to deserve this,
Our life never had grace,
I had a well-known face,
We had vengeance, we were remorseless.
I tried but was destined to fail,
God will no longer accept our tales,
Our body's destroyed temple,
we have time, it's ample,
*Whispers*
Or am I just fooling myself? I could never tell dreams from reality.
I must have gone too far, as I cannot see my life. It's going too fast.
It's only a blur. I can't even hear the breeze of my life's wings taking off.
Will I see darkness. No one will miss me. I will go.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
First of all, I hate you.
Just kidding but you have an incredible gift for song writing that fills me with envy, that was beautiful. Your use of words fills my mind with imagery and that's why I love music.
I just wish that there were more cues, so I knew how it would sound. Like telling us how the singer would sing or how the instruments would go, that would really bring the song more to life.
Don't waste your gift!
Thanks!
In cards, a fold is giving up on your hand. By saying forgiving reminisce I meant that your can't help thinking about the times you've had. Again, thanks. I'll try to fix it.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Hey, Forever Threnody!
Here as requested!
This line is a bit confusing. Who is lifeless, the stars or us? Make it more clear. How have the starts made us lifeless? It sounds like your trying to be profound. ^_^
Another line that seems odd. Wouldn't thoughts abandon our minds? How can you have thoughts if you don't have a mind?
This line is gorgeous. Very smart analogy.
A fold? What do you mean by that?
Reminisce is a verb. You can't have two verbs in the sentence; it makes no sense.
It should be:
But it's hard to forgive ___________. The blank should be a direct object. Hard to forgive what?
This could work:
But it's hard to forgive the past.
Lovely ending.
I can definitely here it in my head. My only dislike is that some parts sounded confusing. They sounded like you were trying to be deep, but it really didn't make sense.
Hope this helped (I've never reviewed a song before!),
~~~Sakura~~~