Young Writers Society

Hi there.

This was a funny peice.
I liked the man who wanted to 'die'. That part where he mentions that he wanted to die, I don't think that the main characters reaction to the news was proper. Usually when someone says they want to die then the person would be totally against it and convince them not to. Over here the person just told them that there's no point in eating. It would work out better if you mention that the main character didn't take it serious and that would be a normal reaction to the news.

I really like the russian guy. It was funny how he called the sun a bastard. I laughed there. Also the begining paragrpah where you mention the name of the restaurant. It was funny but then you wrote that the main charachter,who is making fun of the one who came up woth the name,said they were like that person who named the restaurant...which kind of ruined the mood.
The lady who dissappeared just seemed sick to me...like she was ill.
I'm not sure what the genre of this peice is.(I used the link from reading your other work to get here) So I hope I'm guessing right to think this is a humor and maybe fantasy? It was funny, But if it was ment to be humor, the last part isn't doing it that much.

“I don’t know.” I replied. Somewhere inside of me my heart felt incomplete because I was deaf to these voices, which seemed, in that moment, vitally important.

Howdy. First impression: wow. I enjoy this type of piece, where a narrative is made characterful without being overly resistant to a reader. You gave us enough to create a hunger, but enough to keep us going. There was a rather uncomfortable contrast between some descriptions that were crammed into a series of adjectives, and some that went on as almost lyrical asides. My review itself ios a little more whimsical as I tried to avoid a technical approach that would miss the admittedly ambiguous direction of this piece. As always, you can find me on my wall or Writer's Corner Thread.

"I do not make enough money to exist with"
My first response (especially if you take Skylore's advice) is that you shouldn't be ending a sentence /phrase with a preposition. Then i remembered that that's a bit of a myth. I think my head-shake to this sentence was caused by the word "with", which doesn't really gel well with "exist". Money isn't something you exist with, alongside or in the presence of, it's something you exist on, or in the minds of the particularly fiscally minded, through.

"and spit them out"
Spat for past tense, spits for present (as it'd be a comparison with the narrator in the presence tense and thus a plural).

"and I cling on to it as if the world was spinning wildly into space and this place was the only thing that stood still"

There are certain kinds of stylistic advice I'm hesitant to give, given that you're clearly trying to put a certain character into the narrative style, but a smoother translation might read: "I cling to it as the sole landmark in a world otherwise spinning wildly into space." Choosing the metaphor over the simile and switching the order of the clauses can smooth this over a bit, as long as that's what you're after.

"food was never good"
Isn't greatly descriptive. It's a good opportunity to use more characterful language, rather than a simple negative.

"but the people…some were"
The pause here is great, it invokes the characterful narrative that is the hallmark of this piece. As a personal gripe, I'm not a huge fan of the "..." as it's something I tended to overuse previously. If you feel the stregnth of this pause could be captured by a semicolon or alternative wordplay i'd advise you to go for that option.

"ancient, sad-faced, hulking"
Ladling out the adjectives is one of my habits to skimp around integrating description into other phrases of the sentence, but again, it kind of fits into a narrative character.

"(He made sure to introduce himself to me enthusiastically.) I noticed him outside at first and I made sure that he knew he was welcome in the restaurant."

On the one hand, it's a narrative aside, and really captures the image of a man pausing to clarify knowledge that he has. On that ground alone you could keep this as it is. An alternative option would be to fit the bracketed phrase into thefollowing sentence: "He made sure to introduce himself to me enthusiastically when i noticed him outside for the first time and wend to make sure that he knew he was welcome inside." (or some equivalent).

"their true intentions"
Fantastic, I love how this whole sentence played out.

"that kind of die"
Either or, but I'd have gone with "death" over "die" just because of how it reads.

"told me softly,"
If you want a comma, you need the speech to be on the same line. Otherwise go for this bad boy ":"

"much clearer"
My hear says "much more clearly"

"voices, which seemed, in that moment, vitally important."
It's hard to tell if you mean the voices or the deafness is important, though I'd guess the latter. The indulgence of subclauses "which seemed, in that moment" might be the root of this confusion.

"parked horizontally in a vertical parking space"
Lovely.

"the bastard"
Missed opportunity for Russian profanity?

"than 14. She arrived at 3:00 in the morning"
3:00 is a very precise time, and if precision is overly important, then digital time makes sense. Otherwise I think I prefer my numbers as words, particularly simple numbers like fourteen.

"writhed and frothed"
Nicely evocative.

"brutally honest erosion"
What is here that is not in "brutal erosion", is this honesty important?

"with stuttering, adamantine"
I'm feeling an "a" prior to "stuttering"

“I feel as if I am lost.”
It's interesting. She does not state she is lost, she does not state she feels lost, she states she feels as if she is lost.

"last 10 minutes"
Again, my heart says "ten"

"and slowly went into"
went slowly/slowly went. I'd go the former.

"restless solitude that rose out of her seat and an empty space that throbbed in synchrony with the blurry stains of daylight that pirouetted madly"
What is a restless solitude, and how does a reader imagine it appears? Word seems to recognise synchrony, but I enjoy synchonicity.

I enjoyed the piece. I got flavours of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere and Tom Sidell's Gunnerkrigg Court. Do you have a Writer's Corner or exegetical discussion of this piece? It'd be interesting to see where you plan to take this.

Cheers,

Hi! Sky here again

Though I am a vocalist by trade, working at as many places as I can with no hesitations or reservations, I do not make enough money to exist with, so I am forced to wait tables at a quiet little restaurant inexplicably named “The Rusty Nail.”

Though I am a vocalist by trade, working at as many places as I can with no hesitations or reservations, I do not make enough money to exist with#FF0000 ">. So I am forced to wait tables at a quiet little restaurant#FF0000 ">, inexplicably named “The Rusty Nail.”

Where this name originated from and who the sick person was who thought that a flaky coating of iron oxide laced with tetanus sounded appetizing I will never know.

The level of skill demonstrated in this piece is astounding. All of the character's personalities shine through clearly in your writing, and you have amazing descriptions. The part when you described the dancer's voice was my favorite. I liked the cynacism in the beginning about artists too, that made me smile. The only thing I was suggest adding to this is a more in depth description of your narrating character. You don't even have to add an extra paragraph or anything, just weave in some physical characteristics into the part when he/she is responding to Arietta?
Just an opinion.
This is beautiful, you could definatly make it a longer piece.