Published March 27, 2013
“With great power comes great electricity bill.”
-Meme Comic
My siblings, Jake and Abigail, are like giant trees, overshadowing every little accomplishment, everything I do. Jake, my older brother, is a really sporty jock that is super popular and wins every game he plays. He is on every team available, from soccer to basketball to football.
Of course, no one could possibly forget Abigail Rider, the super duper popular, super duper smart, super duper pretty, and super duper fashionable queen of the scene. But her identical twin? Allison Rider? That weird, awkward nerd with the crush on Josh Stein? Swirly time!
I was kidding about the swirlies. The only reason the popular girls don’t torture me is because Abigail is my twin, and Abigail is the leader of the popular girls. But the populars, or, as they are universally known, the Scene Queens, still bully me harshly when Abigail isn’t around to stop them, or, horror of horrors, kick them out of the clique.
They mainly bully me about my very obvious crush on (sigh) Josh Stein. He is totally out of my league and they know it. Unfortunately, so do I.
“You can’t change everything in one night, but one night can change everything.”
-SearchQuotes.com
“Allison?”
I stopped dead in gathering my books. Was that....? Was it really...?
“Allison?”
I turned around. I wasn’t dreaming. Josh Stein was talking to me. Omigawd!
“Hey,” I said. “What’s up?” I was trying to act cooler than I was.
“Er, well, you know how prom is coming up?” he asked. My heart started beating faster and faster until I thought my chest would burst.
“Well, I was wondering if you would like to come with me?”
I’ll spare you the description of me screaming and jumping up and down and getting detention for disturbing the class next to us.
But the point is that I said yes.
And he smiled.
“A dream is a wish your heart makes.”
-Cinderella
Fast-forward to the night of the prom. I was wearing an emerald green strapless dress which showed off my lean and tanned legs. I wore a helping bra and did my black curly hair into a messy (but sexy!) bun. I wore silver earrings and heels to complement my green eyes. I used silver and black eyeshadow and red lip gloss (Abigail thought that lipstick would be an overkill). I was ready.
And so was Josh! He had a light pink corsage for me. SCREEEEEEEEAM!!!!! Tonight was going to be perfect.
“SMILE! Tomorrow is gonna be worse.”
-Inspirational Poster
It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Until...
“Dude, I can’t believe she fell for it.”
“Yeah, like, totally. I mean, who would date a loser like her?”
I peek into the room so I won’t be seen. I see Josh surrounded by his friends along with all the members of the Scene Queens. All except Abigail. And Castella, the VP of the Scene Queens, has her arms wrapped around Josh, and every few seconds is kissing his neck or his lips.
“I don’t regret anything, it was hilarious. Though I am upset that I wasted 10 dollars on a flipping corsage for her,” Josh says. They all laugh again.
With a sickening jolt, I realize that they are talking about me.
I run to a quiet corner in the empty lunchroom (the prom is in the gym) and cry for a long time. That is, until I hear footsteps.
I look up and see Blake Jordan, my best friend. He has no date. He walks toward me and sits down and puts him arm around me.
“Josh?” he whispers softly. I nod and silent tears stream down my cheeks.
“Sh-sh-sh,” he says. Then, his finger started tracing my jawbone. When it came to my chin, he lifted my head up ever so gently and softly, slowly, kissed me.
And it felt totally right.Points:
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
My first thoughts on this was that it has huge potential. I like the idea of the quotes but I think they would be more effective if they were used as titles for a chapter or something. The space between them was too short and there wasn't anything to really indicate that they were separate from the story. I think that this needed more detail and better transitioning from the intro to school to prom. I like the scene at the end with the best friend but I was kind of taken aback by it since he wasn't introduced until later in the story. I also felt like everything was rushed and I wasn't able to really get into the story. The plot is great and it has major potential. I would give suggestions and edit a little but I just joined and I have no idea how to work this thing.
I hope this helped! I can't wait to see what you do with the reviews.
Sarah
Hello!
I really like the story plot, characters and all! But maybe, there too many "super, duper's". Maybe, Blake Jordan need a bit more description because he's the main squeeze of Allison . But the twists, turn and plot was great! I love how random quotes pop up! But un-bolding it can do wonders! Her brother can do a little less description, because he never did appear.
Happy writing!
Hey there, ThothMagic! I really liked your story! It had a "super-duper" plot! I really liked the characters, (except most of the Scene Queens and Josh, of course.) But there is a few things you need to work on. For instance, you used quite a few super-dupers in there. Plus, you could work on your details. But other then that, it's SUPER good! I'll be looking out for more of your writing.
BookLover33
I liked this! I think there were too many, super dupers. And you should describe her best friend, what does he looklike? Maybe more thoughts on how she feels about being kissed by him. Describe the anger when the other girl kisses her date. Describe the place more, describe more of her feelings towards Josh after he shows her off. Overall, it was really good.
Hi there!
I really love the quote at the top! Just saying.
*maybe one too many super-dupers in there??
*the first question mark isn't needed.
*Scene Queens? I like it!
*ah, this is my favorite quote!
Overall, this is a good start. I like the idea of the story. I have written something quite similar to it once when I was stuck in my crush faze in high school. Everyone dreams of their crush inviting them to prom, but it usually never happens. I like the twist here where Josh asks her. I really did believe that he was being honest and liked her. So I felt hurt when I found out that it was all just a joke.
Your writing could be a little better. I know that you're writing in first person, but it still has to be formal. Keep the 'SCREEEEEEEEAM!!!!!' and the 'Omigawd!' away. I mean, that's just my personal opinion seeing as I don't like to read and see stuff like that in there. And instead of saying stuff like 'the prom is in the gym', describe the setting. Tell me how the prom committee tried ever so hard to decorate nice, but epically failed. Tell me about the punch that someone knocked onto the gym floor, setting off the captain of the basketball team because they were having off season workouts in there. Get what I'm saying? Put me in the middle of the scenery and paint a picture in my mind.
This is a good story. If you go back through it and clean up a few places, it can be great. Good luck!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello,
That was a cute story for a young teen, I liked the jerk Josh and the main girl everything felt cute.
I did feel like a was reading out of a journal, everything happened very fast.
Yeah so keep up the good work.
Hey ThothMagic!
I loved your story, it had a good message to it and it didn't have that kind of disgusting romance either so, good job! I thought it was a good, sweet story of a regular girl who has a huge crush on this guy. But I guess, the storyline is pretty popular so, the ending was kind of obvious.
Now, let's make a thorough review for you!
Nitpicks:
1. I think, throughout the whole story, you should have expressed your story a little more with a few more emotions. When the girl realized that that Josh was making a fool out of her, any girl would have been more than devastated which you should have expressed more.
2. A few questions. What did Josh trick her to? Did she ever get to know why he asked her to prom? Now, was it a dare that his friends had challenged him to do?
Also, the description of Blake Jordon should have been a little more. You could have described how we looked and could have involved him before too. So, next time, try to weave in all those details.
3. The quotes:-
Now... This was a little weird. Starting a story with a quote never really happens which left me a little dazed, I can say. Normally, quotes are for speeches. Also, I didn't really get the meaning of where this quote went along with.
I think, this should have been at the end. Also, the "searchquotes.com" was weird. I don't know if the girl was thinking about it but it sort of felt like she was writing a diary entry.
4. Could have involved Abigail more too. Like the part where she defends her sister, there could have been an incident there.
What I Liked:
1. There was a lot of excitement and it was very girly. Considering the fact that I am too, I loved this part:
That is exactly the reaction of a regular school teenage girl. Good job!
2. I didn't find any grammar or punctuation errors which a lot of writers make so, I'm impressed. Which is kind of hard to make since, short stories are really hard to get me to be impressed. I don't know if you understood that or not.
3.
The ending was perfect.
Overall:
You can write really well so, don't waste it! I'll be looking forward to more of your works so, if you want me to review, shoot me a PM! This work of yours just needs a little more editing and then it can be more realistic and simpler. Rating it 8/10. Good job done.
Keep Writing! ~
--
ChocoCookie
Hi there, I'm Stupid, and in exchange for your review of my story I'm gonna write a review, just for you. I'll nitpick my way through first, then read it again and give you my overall impression.
"“With great power comes great electricity bill.”"
I wasn't sure what this was for, it doesn't seem to relate to the story. I'm sure you could find a quote, maybe from a poem, to match the story.
"That weird, awkward nerd with the crush on Josh Stein? Swirly time!"
I'm not sure I know what swirly time is, but that may be because I'm British. This bit didn't make much sense to me anyway.
"But the populars, or, as they are universally known, the Scene Queens, still bully me harshly when Abigail isn’t around to stop them, or, horror of horrors, kick them out of the clique."
The punctuation here felt a little cluttered. Don't get me wrong, grammatically it works, but it doesn't read all that well.
"-SearchQuotes.com"
I didn't get this either. If you want to use a quote I'd suggest using the author.
"corsage"
What's a corsage? It's probably another American thing actually, so ignore me if it is.
So I didn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes, which was good. I'll be honest, this story had a few problems. First of all that Allison is so very different from her twin, which seems a little odd if they're identical. It's suggested that Abigail is prettier, which I found confusing. Also, Blake appears at the end with no real introduction besides that he's her best friend and he's single, yet you take time to introduce her brother, Jake, who doesn't appear again. Perhaps build Blake's character earlier on so that it feels more like a victory at the end, rather than just going for second best.
Oh, and how come it was all in bold? It may have just been a formatting thing, but it does make it a little hard for the reader to follow.
It needs a bit of work, but I'm sure you can make this into a really good story.
Good effort and keep writing
okay, your story was good not great but good I like it because it has so many actions and details however I'm not sur about the end,because you dIdn't give to many details in the end, and it was so quickly (the opposite of the beginning), so I think that you should change it little bit but other than that your story was beautiful, I enjoy it
, it was entertaining.....
.
keep writing and I wish you all the best