I Try

Animal is here to save the world review.
#6 for review day
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Strange poem. You tried but you kind of can't bring it out. Strange rhyming, I would say, you ought to put in more effort.

If I’m dead
I have broken wings that can’t fly
At first glance
I’m brain-dead

Hey there!

Okay, so overall, this poem has the start of what could be wonderful inspiration and a good topic, but it just needs a lot of work to get there. In other words, the idea behind it is good, but the actual words need a fix. Some suggestions:

So, first off, the poem does not have much substance in the first place in which to express its topic. Each line is super short, and the poem itself is basically only one stanza. Just see what you can do by lengthening each line. I promise you will find more ways to express yourself.

Alright, now I'll just do a quick run-through of the poem.

"I try"

I personally don't like repeating of the title in such a separate, isolated way. Sometimes this works when the title connects to the rest of the first stanza, but in this case it's just a repetition.

"How can I dance
If I’m dead"

At first glance, I didn't see how this related to your topic. It wasn't until I read the rest of the poem that it made a little bit of sense. Again, just by lengthening the lines you can also add more clarity.

"I have broken wings that can’t fly"

The 'that can't fly' is not really necessary, it's already implied and kind of repetitive. Instead, replace it with more elaboration or explanation of your subject.

"At first glance
I’m brain-dead
You think I don’t try"

Alright, now we're starting to actually connect to the topic. Good...

"Give me a chance
I’ll break ahead"

It's unclear in what sense you mean 'break ahead' here. Longer lines can add explanation, even if it is subtle explanation.

"To impress you I have to die"

Actually, I really like this line. It is poetic, not too short, sticks to the topic. Keep it.

"When I try to enchance"

First of all, should be (I'm assuming) 'enhance', not 'enchance'. Second, clarity please! Otherwise I don't really get the point of this line.

"You see red"

Also very confusing...

"I used to be sky-high"

This is back to topic. A good ending, although it would be nice if you breached that statement earlier in the poem.

Altogether, good topic, good idea, just lengthen, clarify, and altogether work on your expression. Hope you found this helpful.

~Sapi

Hi there Thothmagic. SkyeJane here to review this poem.

So I think that what you had here was something that I could really relate to......the general theme being;you once were pretty amazing but didn't see it and tried to e something else only to end up ruining yourself.....dying

I agree a little bit with the other comments.At times it was hard to read because it just seemed a bit disjointed. I am sure that if you fiddle around it can be fixed.

One thing that kind of got me was that you said "How can I dance if I'm dead", and then you say "to impress you I have to die....you can't die twice can you?

The "try to enhance thing also seemed a little out of place there..

All in all not bad just give it some work.Skyexxx

your rhyming is strange and hard to keep up with. try to find a rhythm to the poem. i like the idea, just there's no beat to it. it doesn't flow right to me. and don't try to rhym the smae words with themselves. just isn't right. Keep it up. and keep at it.