Let me sign my name...

Looking at your avatar I can't help thinking that the speaker's Sarah with the drugged peach, argh.

Erm. Yeah. Anyway. Nice poem. I like the 'but my hands are cold' image but I don't like your overuse of the word heart, it's easy to overuse, and nasty when it is. Consult your inner thesaurus, I shan't suggest anything since you're good enough to do it yourself.

The last stanza is good, almost bouncy, but the last line's all tongue tied and trips over itself like csjkvhuv eh? So er. Yeah. Fiddle. How about 'I know from the way you speak'? Might just work a little better. (:

Anyway it's good, good. Just has little flaws - nothing's perfect after all.

Welcome to Chanelmarie's tour of the unknown, buckle your seatbelts and... oh shoot, wrong speech card! *shuffles* Ah, here we go. My name is Chanelmarie, and I will play the role of your editor today. So let's get started!

This_is_history wrote:Let Me Sign My Name

Let me sign my name
On your heart, my dear.

the first 2 lines are a little awkward. i think this is because it's too short to be 2 lines, but too long to be 2.


My hands will spell the silent words
To your hearing ears.

I really like this line, the contradiction of spelling and hearing.

Let me unlock the bars,
And set the caged bird free,
With your heart you'll hear my love,
And you'll sing it back to me.

This is a little cliche, what with the caged bird, but I actually really like it. the lines "with your heart you'll hear my love, and you'll sing it back to me" goes really well with it.


Let me speak my words of love
Directly to your soul,
For my heart is warm and strong for you,
But when I hold your hands they're cold.

the first 2 lines are really nice, but the next 2 feel a little... awkward? Too much of a mouthful?

Let me speak with motion
Like a fiery dance
Telling you how I feel,
I feel like I'm in a trance,

again, the first 2 lines are really pretty, but the repetition of "feel" feels a little awkward

Falling slowly for your charms...
Can I have this dance?

I really REALLY like this line. XD

I hold you close, we do not talk,
We do not have to speak.
Together we are happy,
Though the world outside is bleak.

I like the last 2 lines, but the first 2 feels a little weird with the repetition of "we don't have", unless you were to say "i hold you close, we do not talk, no we do not need to speak".

The silence isn't deafening,
You say with a smile,
I nod my head and wipe away,
The silver tears from your eyes.

remember the quotation marks, if "you" are saying it. Maybe a period instead of a comma at the end. I think the silver tears sounds a lot better than the usual cliche glistening tears.

We do not need translation,
Your skill is far from weak
I know your heart, and you know mine,
I see that from how you speak.
really nice closing verse. maybe a period at the end of weak?

(does anyone want to take a stab at the speaker's condition?)

STABS