Published March 18, 2008
Here's a poem I wrote yesterday. It's SOOO short.
Hide me away
So they can't see the bruises
I guess you win,
'Cause I'm the one that loses.
Close my eyes
So they can't see I'm haunted,
Tell me you love me,
'Cause I've never been wanted.
Well, there it is. I'm not sure who's talking, or if this is even the place for this poem. Oh well, tell me what you think, if you don't mind.
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141,437 Literary Works • 674,416 Reviews
I enjoyed reading this poem. Normally, I'm fonder of a little more length in a poem, but in this case, i actulay think it fit well.
Although, I, and everyone else seems to, love the way you closed the poem, my favorite stanza is your third. I just think that it paints a beautiful picture in the eyes of your reader.
I couldn't find any punctuation errors, though the word choice could be beefed up a tad, astonishingly, it befits this poem quite well.
Over all, I really like you writing style and flow. It's pretty.
That is so insightful and beautiful. I love it so much. You'll have to check out one of my stories sometime. Good luck with the rest of your writing
I really liked it, like everyone above. But (and here it comes) i agree Riedawriter23. It was short, but it flow well. You could have developed it a little bit longer, but not continued it, because I think the end it was just brilliant. So if you do consider to make it longer, I suggest you keep the ending as the end. LOL In the end, it worked out very well and I absolutely loved it!
I love this Poem even if it was short it said alot.
you can say alot with very few words.
I found no grammar or punctuation errors.
There was nothing wrong with this poem
I loved It!
Even though it was short, I loved it! That was beautiful and... IT RHYMED!
Same here: you forgot a few punctuations but other than that it was wonderful. !KUDOS!
Thanks everybody! If you guys want to see the photomanipulation I made for this poem go to: http://remember-the-light.deviantart.co ... d-80017986
Thanks for the crit, all of you. You're all so great.
I actually really liked it, I could create a mental image in my head and relate the words to pictures. Bravo =]
I like this. I think that you had a good idea going for you, but this can be extended. Your rhyme scheme was very nice, so I think that if you continued, the poem would only grow stronger. Those are just my thoughts though. Otherwise, it sort of has a childish tone, with your choice of words at least. Though I like it like it like that.
Hide me away,
So they can't see the bruises.
I guess you win,
'Cause I'm the one that loses.
Close my eyes,
So they can't see I'm haunted.
Tell me you love me,
'Cause I've never been wanted.
You just forgot a few minor punctuations. Besides that, since this is a narrative, I want to see the poetic story develop more. I felt like I was sort of stopped in the middle.
PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I agree with the others above. This was a really good poem. It flowed well. You used nice imaginary words with feelings to create a picture. I also agree with Sometimesinbetween that the last two lines were the perfect finish.
Great Job.
Oh, thanks so much, both of you! I'm literally bouncing right now.
*squeals!*
-Elise
I loved this.
Your flow was absolutely perfect, in my opinion and you used some great imagery and emotion all the way through, so good on you!
:3
Ginge
I liked this it a lot!
I couldn't find anything wrong the puncuation or grammer.
Love this line. Great finish!
-Sometimes-