Young Writers Society

This is great. I'm not going to be really nit-picky because that's already been done.
I just wanted to say that I was reading this article on Oprah's website about these neglected children.
And this totally reminded me of it. Great job.
The emotions are captured nicely, I think. My only advice would be to read it out loud and try to fix rhythm problems. I know that it's free verse, but some lines are so much longer than the others, and it interrupts the flow, you know?

Other than that, great job!

-Cassie

This_is_history wrote:Don’t cover my ears

Don’t shade my eyes.

Why shouldn’t I hear

What you have to hide?

Why should I be sheltered?

Why can’t I be exposed?

Why do you shield me from what I already know?

Don’t tell me to be quiet,

Or that I don’t understand.

Don’t say that I’m young,

Cause I’m nearly a man.

Don’t hide me from what I can already see,

And don’t close your own eyes,

To my reality.

Don’t tell your friends that I’m really alright,

When you know why I don't sleep at night.

Don’t tell my sister that the nightmares have stopped,

And don’t tell me I

Am too young to grow up.

I’m already grown,

Can you not see?

I grew fifty years

When this world stopped loving me.

~~~

Don't ask me where this came from. It just popped into my head when I was listening to Three Days Grace. I have NO idea where it came from, but I think I like it.

It's from the POV of a teenage boy. Other than that, you must draw your own conclusions. Whatever it means to you is what it means.
-Elise

Hey! This was pretty good. The flow was wonderful, the best I've seen in awhile. Flow is very important, making reading your poem effortless. I have to say that your opening was great. It drew the reader right in. And the closing was my favorite part. Prefect. Great Job!

Part of me thinks the gap between each line hinders the piece, and the rest of me likes it because it seems to represent the narrator's state of mind. I thought the rhythm was mostly fine - the last line was very awkward, I'd definitely think about re-writing that, and possible this part as well:

"Don’t hide me from what I can already see,

And don’t close your own eyes,

To my reality."

To make it sound right when read aloud, you have to really stretch out the pronounciation of 'reality'. I don't think it works, and slows down the pace of the poem. I think this piece has definite potential, but another look at the structuring and presentation if the poem certainly wouldn't go amiss.

Hey
I liked this poem, the rhythm was good even though there were a few times where it fell short. The questions were awesome, and I can relate to the point the person speaking is trying to prove. My favourite bit was the last two lines, Great job
Keep it up!
xxmimixx

I like it. It's mysterious. Especially since your doing it from a guy's point of view. i know what you mean by " you don't know where this came from". I get that alot. I also like how it lets the reader make up their own story about what happend. I also like that the charecter seems to be young but at the end we find out he is old. it really makes you wonder who is saying he is so young and why. well done.

Thank you for your review on Lost Soul by the way. I read it while I was fealing frustrated with homework and it really made me happy.

Hey this is Jaden G.

I loved your poem! It was very good and the truth of it inside the everyday family is very real. But now to the editing:

1. From what I already know
This kind of interupts the flow of the poem. Consider revising "already" to just What I know or What I should know.

2. Don't hide me from what I can already see should probably be What I can see. Once again, distrupt in flow.

3. And don't tell me I... try and add "that" so it is: And Don't Tell Me THAT I...

That's all I've got. Good work on the poem and I can't wait to read more of your work.

Geep! You write like a girl! Which is good but... I thought that the POV was a girl's at first! It really doesn't make any sense as a guy's POV, trust me. The emphasis is on feelings and less of what is happening, so it doesn't fit and it makes my brain hurt. You have a good style for a girl, but it doesn't come out right for a guy's POV.

More than that... I don't know. I mean, this is obviously a poem that is written such as the teenager is finally starting to see his world and wants to be a part of it, but it seems kind of... whiny. I don't mean to offend! Really! I don't! But... well... I've read other poems that show a child's eyes opening to the world that don't "tell" as much, yet show a lot, and after reading such poems, this seems a little weak. For example, here's "From the Diary of an Almost 4-Year Old" by Hanan Mikhael Ashrawi:

Tomorrow the bandages will come off,
I wonder, will I see half an oven?
Half an apple?
Half my mother's face with my one remaining eye?

I did not see the bullet
But felt its pain exploding in my head.
his image did not disintegrate
the soldier with his big gun and steady hands
And the look in his eyes I could not understand
If I can see him so clearly with my eyes closed,

It could be that inside our heads
We each have one spare set of eyes
To make up for the ones we lose.

Next month, on my birthday
I'll have a brand new glass eye
Maybe things will look round and fat at the middle.
I gaze through all my marbles,
They make the world look strange.

I hear a nine-month-old has also lost an eye,
I wonder if my soldier shot her too,
A soldier looking for little girls who look him in the eye.
I'm old enough, almost four,
I've seen enough of life
But she's just a baby
Who didn't know any better.

Now, obviously the subject is different because this is from an angry teenager who wants to see more of life, but there are certain similarities! The world obviously doesn't love the almost-four-year-old much, because then she wouldn't have her eye blown away. So! Why does the world not love the teenager anymore? There has to be some conclusive reason why he feels unloved for the reader to empathize with him fully. So you got to explain this! Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe it's his parents. Maybe it's something else? But you have to make it matter. As an artist, you must show us something so that we care about it, and care so deeply that it touches our hearts and won't let go.

So yeah. I've ranted a bit too much, so I'll stop. Have fun with editing!

I liked this. This is how exactly how a child feels when an adult doesn't tell them the whole story on whats going on. I hate it when they do that. My mom and dad does that to my now and tells me that I'm to young to understand and I'm almost 18 years old! Very good concept, but I feel that the puncuation was a little off. That's all! Peace.

I thought it was interesting how it gives a sense of mistery.

Awesome I love all the questions it kinda makes me sad but I still really like this post.Keep writing your really good!The boy sounds dillusional but thats just me...anyway Thanks for reading this reply!


freewriter

Hello. I agree with Eimear on the fact that the structure could and should be better. People can't see where a stanza ends and another one begins.

However, the flow was overall pretty nice. There were a few too long or short lines that broke it. If you read this poem out loud, you'll see where they are and what I mean.

The idea was good, but maybe you should expand it a little? I'm sorry for not having anything else to say for now.

All the best,
Demeter xx

Hey, I liked the concept of these questions and issues being raised by a confused and possibly disillusioned teenage boy. But unfortunately this is as far as it goes for me. I can't really even critque it as a poem as the structure is very stitled and each full stop and question mark almost kills any room for development of thought. The imagery is almost non-existent and you're tell, tell, tell instead of show. I think it would read great if your integrated some more development into the lines.

Best wishes,

Eimear