Published April 15, 2008
The hospital light bathes me in a sort of tranquil glow as I stare at the I.V. hooked in my wrist. The bluish light shines through the liquid in the bag, making me nearly sick as I watch the swirling particals of who-knows-what inside it.
I haven't moved my head from this position in six months. Well, not on my own, atleast. The nurses always put me back in the same position they found me in, after they finish their poking and prodding, and that's fine with me.
The light calms me.
I can't see the door from here. I'm glad. I'm glad I can't see the people up and walking, glad I can't watch them move their hands as they talk.
Glad I can't envy them that.
But I can hear them. I can hear their laughter, their chattering, their yelling and their deep curses. They have mouths to rival bikers and sailors.
You see, nothing escapes me. I have nothing else to do, so I can't help but listen.
My last visitor was probably about two months ago. Someone from court. She had nice perfume. It smelled like wine and roses.
I don't remember much of what she said. Seems like I should. Seems like I should remember everything, since all I do is listen.
But I couldn't tell you what the nurse outside my door said 3 seconds ago.
I miss my hands. I miss being able to use them. They're pretty mangled up now, gnarled and wrinkled. I don't look at them anymore.
The doctors will be coming soon. Nurse said something about a surprise. What surprise...oh yeah. I remember. My birthday.
I'm sixteen today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What'd you think?
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,704 Reviews
This was interesting. It was a unique idea. I do think it could be longer, though. I'm looking forward to the continuation.
This was a pretty powerful piece, nice job. But I do have some points:
You don't tell us who. The nurses? Other people's visitors? Expand.
Also, when you say "3 seconds", that should be "three". Don't use digits, it's lazy.
I think that we could use more detail. Why can't they remember anything? What's happened to them? Why are they like this? If you want us to really feel for your character, you need to tell us more, was it an accident? Even if they don't remember details, you can hint it to us. Perhaps you could have nurses talking or something...
Also, why does nobody come to visit? What's happened to their family, their friends? Have they just left? Are they dead?
You show talent, but there isn't enough here to "wow" me. You need to finish telling the story, go back to explain why you're writing it in the first place, if that makes sense.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
Hey History! I saw this a while ago, but didn’t have time to critique it. Now I’m back, and, though I should be writing, this is short, so I shall critique!
Nit-Picks
What else? You don’t really show us much here. Use all the senses. Are
the sheets scratchy? Are the halls loud? Is the AC up too high?
Really set an atmosphere for the piece, but remember to keep it short and sweet – you need to hook us, not bore us.
Why is it fine? Seems boring to me – show us why it’s all right. Don’t leave us guessing quite so much.
Random much? It's good, but you kind of just threw it in there.
I’d actually ditch ‘for that’ – we can figure out what you mean. Also, I'd ditch ‘the light calms me,’ or this will lose all effect. You can’t have so many short paragraphs.
Why bikers? I think sailors will be fine, and it makes more sense to the average reader.
Also, this is a hospital. Sure, maybe someone will swear when something bad happens, but not in one of these rooms – not in a room you’re put in for a long time. (If something bad happened, you'd most likely hear crying, not swearing. The emotions aren't as high - now it's sort of helplessness.) And it’s quiet. People don’t often laugh, and if they do, it’s half-hearted. (At least in the area she’s in. It’s not like where new mothers are.)
The first sentence didn’t make sense with the rest. Also, I don’t like ‘you see.’ Too personal, when the rest isn’t.
I like that, but you need to keep this up throughout the whole piece. The rest is pretty good, but the beginning is too smooth. Short, choppy sentences will work best here.
I really like this.
Don’t get lazy – write out ‘three.’ Also, combine this with the previous paragraph – it’s not strong enough on its own.
I think that would sound a bit nicer.
I really don’t like this part – it ended your piece weakly. You really need to work the part after ‘about a surprise.’ Maybe something like this?
The doctors will be coming soon. Nurse said something about a surprise. Said that it was a big day, but it feels like any other to me.
Also, you'll probably have to alter the last line to fit whatever you change this to. Maybe 'I turn sixteen today?'
I love the ending, but, as I said, the part right before it needs to lead up to it better.
Overall Comments
You have some specks of gold in here. I really liked the passage from ‘my last visitor…’ to the last line, though there are a few mistakes. Also, I like your ideas, especially the envy part.
However, this piece isn’t anything special at this point. It’s just a ramble from some girl in a hospital. I’ve been told I’m heartless (I’m not! Well, kind of…) but maybe you need a heartless person to read this.
To a normal reader, they’d love this because it’s sad. To me, a heartless one, I don’t. I pity the girl, but that’s just it. Pity. Nothing more.
Is This Real?
No, not ‘did this actually happen?’ I mean, does it feel real?
Think about it: a sixteen year old girl, paralyzed. She’s at the point of life when you crave freedom, and she just had it ripped away from her. She stares at a ceiling for months on end, listens to conversations she can’t partake in. The boredom is enough to drive anyone insane.
She needs to have some sort of reaction. Boredom, anger, jealousy, or even a lack of one. You made her jealous at first, but then you switched to emotionless. She needs to stay relatively consistent. Obviously she can go from jealous to sad if something bad happens, but there has to be a reason she changes.
Short, Choppy Sentences
I really liked when you used this type of sentence. (Like this paragraph: My last visitor was probably about two months ago. Someone from court. She had nice perfume. It smelled like wine and roses.) It shows how messed up her mind is, how detached she is. You probably wouldn’t be making much sense after six months of nothing, would you?
That’s why I liked the second part better. I felt like I was in her mind. The first seemed too long and poetic. You don’t need to ditch it, though – just mix it up. Like this line:
I haven't moved my head from this position in six months. Well, not on my own at least. The nurses always put me back in the same position they find me in, after they finish their poking and prodding, and that's fine with me.
Can change to:
I haven’t moved in six months – not on my own. Nurse [for the rest of the part, she just calls any old nurse ‘Nurse’] always puts me back when she’s done her poking and prodding. Back in the same position.
It could be done better, but see how it’s similar to the end now? I like this way a bit better.
Memory
This girl has been locked up for six months – use that to your advantage! Fit some details in. Does she remember everything from before/after the accident? Does she remember irrelevant little details (like the woman’s perfume?) You can’t say she can’t remember what was said three seconds ago and also say that she remembers what the perfume smelled like unless there’s a reason that shows throughout the whole piece.
Continuation
Right now, this piece seemed a bit useless. I don’t know this girl, I don’t feel for her. I don’t care that a court person came to see her.
I’m going to tell you what I hate hearing: expand. I actually think this would be a great prologue. We can get in her mind, see what’s going on a bit, then the real story can start. Maybe in third person, looking at all the people connected to her, seeing what happened? Seeing their reactions?
That’s just what I would do, though.
I hope I helped a bit. I really liked this piece – keep it up!
Good luck, and happy editing!
~JFW1415
Hello
I thought this was pretty good - it works well to draw us in.
Your descriptions are well constructed, too.
However, it is so, so short
Perhaps it would be good as a prologue to the rest of the story? You know, because it doesn't give much away and leaves us wondering what led to this outcome. Just an idea.
Lauren
I really liked it, it seemed dark and I am still wondering what sort of affliction the person was suffering from. I enjoyed it.
However I was slightly confused because I couldn't tell if he could remember things or not, because he mentioned not remembering what the nurse said 3 seconds ago. I don't know, it was probably just me, but that threw me off slightly.
This is going to have to be a quick review because I have to get ready for school soon. Here I go!
This feels very serene when I'm reading this, and hopefully it's what you're going for. One thing I will comment of is, doesn't the I.V. go into their arms, not their wrists (ignore me if you want, I don't know much about hospital). And also, this line:
It reads oddly. Maybe you should say, making me feel sick
at least
This sentence is awkward. I think you meant to put the that after the Glad, am I right?
I'm interested in finding out what happened to he girl. Why did somebody from the court some? What about her parents? I think that you should put in some more description. If she can't do anything, wouldn't se spend most of her time staring at the wall? I liked how there was almost no eotion in her voice, but just enough so that we could understand her.
Good luck in future!
doesn't make sense to me.
other than that good job ^_^
Take out that?
I like the short sentence feel through most of this, but here I think the sentences about the perfume should be put together something like: She had nice perfume that smelled like wine and roses. It still keeps the sentence short, but doesn't break up the paragraph. I though it was a little too choppy the other way.
But yeah that's all I saw that I thought to comment on. Great story over all! Very sad. It made me think twice about getting up and walking across the room. I like stories that do that.
Wow, with that short tidbit you had me in tears by the end. I agree with the replies before me, the spacing is kinda strange, made my eyes go cross eyed. But you did a wonderful job of giving a feel for the character and the pain that they had experienced in the past. Wonderful job and if you can whip up some more to go with the story you could get a really really good story!
Interesting...I just found one thing.
1. Glad I can't envy them that.
I'd take "that" off because with it doesn't make sense. At least to me.
I thought this was interesting. That's the only thing I saw. Keep writing.
Hey!
This was sort of too short for me...not a lot of comment on.
I did notice one thing however,
This was confusing. I think you meant: Glad that I can't envy them for that.
Otherwise, very sad start. This girl is paraylzed and she is only 16! I can't even imagine if I was paraylzed....wow.
But yeah, I'm sorry I can't give you a fuller review. My only advise is that you need to add a lot more to this to make it a more complete story!
Hope this helps!
Hello Darling!
I think saying "bluish" does not show yourself as a good writer. Be exact, succinct. "Bluish" is like saying kind of blue, somewhat blue, not exactly but sort of like the color blue. It's not as good as saying it is blue, or it is not blue. You might be wise to use a metaphor to explain what kind of blue, which could lend beauty to your writing as well. "The light is blue like... as it shines through the liquid in the bag..."I think this sentence would look better if it wasn't incomplete. I'm glad I cannot envy them that.
Please do not use "pretty" as an intensifier. Just remove it all together. Again, be more exact in what you have to say. Your adjectives "mangled", "gnarled", "wrinkled" are all good choices, but they are all cliché choices in this specific position. Try to describe the hands in more detail. What does she miss most about them? Do they resemble something else, something grotesque? What do that feel like when she does use them, or do they have no use at all? Would she rather have her old arms, or none at all? Is the skin a different color than it was before? Be as exact and specific in your details as possible, it makes for great reading.
I do not particularly like this, I am sorry to say. To begin with, the present tense used in writing is difficult to do and often fails, so for me, it is annoying. You also have a complete lack of conflict. It's a piece of flash fiction, so it has to exist in a short amount of time, and it has to be good with as few words as possible. You spend most of your time telling us things, things that don't entirely matter. Why don't they matter? Because we do not care about your speaker. It's hard for us to care about your speaker when we don't know what is wrong with her and why. It's harder for us to care when all she is doing is lying in a bed, throwing a small but still existent pity party for herself. You might think the reader would be interested through sympathy, but I for one am not. I want conflict, I want something to be going terribly wrong. Stories, more often than not, and you have to be an amazing writer to avoid this, thrive on conflict. They start with a question. "Will the character ------?" and by the end, that question should be answered. Here, there is no question, no conflict, no answer. It makes it drab.
Not to say this could be made into something better. The kinds of stories that survive without conflict are those that are poetic to read. I'm not sure what you could do to go about fixing this. I think it would be easier to add conflict. I am not sure... Because all you do is have the speaker speak to us, and for the most part, nothing is happening, the scene its self is boring. I would say that you could write with the same speaker from some other point, and perhaps reach the same effect you are trying to create. (Although I'm not entirely sure what effect you are trying to have on the reader?)
I just read something on phantom limbs and neglect syndrome. Perhaps your speakers argues with the nurse. "My arms are not paralyzed." "That isn't my arm." Of course, what is wrong with her arms? I don't know. But both phantom limb and neglect syndrome are interesting, and not to completely hijack your plot for you or anything, but they could make your story a lot more interesting.
Short stories, especially flash fiction, is really difficult. Think about it, really! You only have 500 words to make your reader impressed? It's difficult. Please don't take any of this as an attack on your writing, I'm merely trying to help. I realize that at the moment mine is the largest and most in depth critique here, so, I hope I do not seem overly harsh or cruel. ^^,
If you have any questions about something I mentioned or would like help on something, feel free to pm me.
Edit: I forgot to say something! Your title is also an area that could be improved. Broken is a plain word; try to find something that speaks more to whatever message you want your reader to perceive. Be creative. Don't just use one word if two is more exact. Don't just choose any, plain word. Titles should be beautiful works of art unto themselves.
Though a tad too short it is really touching, and displays the emotion in a clear way.
Try to read through it a few times, and maybe say sentences out loud to make sure they all flow nicely. If it cannot be said smoothly, reading it will not be smooth either.
Well done
XxxDo
nice one!
I really liked it. It was nice all the way through - really touching. I like the description and you can really relate with the character
I thought this was short but touching. I actually liked it a lot. Even just in those short paragraphs, you really got a feel for the character and what kind of person he/she was. I don't have much I would change about it, I think it's good how it is. Keep up the good writing!
-Keira
Really bittersweet and intriguing, but so short! I think this would make a great beginning for something you could lengthen... however, if you want to leave it like this, it's still sweet.
You wrote:
"But I couldn't tell you what the nurse outside my door said 3 seconds ago."
and
"Nurse said something about a surprise."
I know these aren't too close together, and probably aren't referencing the same nurse, but the way you've structured the sentences make it sound confusing. Also in the second paragraph you put "atleast"-- one word. In some places that might work, but here it doesn't.
I really like this!
Thanks! I'll do that.
It seems like this could use some re-arranging to make it a little more understandable. Try:
After they finish their poking and prodding, the nurses put me back in the same position they found me in, which is fine by me.
I don't really have much to say about this. It was short, sweet, touching, and reminded me a bit of Burned. The only comment I really have is to watch your line breaks, as they were a tad confusing.
Other than that, good job.
Keep up the good work,
-JC