Published January 10, 2009
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140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
My only real pointer is that from the detailed description I assumed that people were being hit my lightening and killed, and having their skull smashed in by the rain. No jokes from me, I'm poker face. I agree with CaseySaz, it gets a little lost in the description.
I like it, its cute. Your writing is very detailed-maybe a little too detailed. It can get teadious to read when you put all those lond descriptions in. Try shortening it up a bit. Otherwise, its very good. I don't really like the ending though, its not really a proper ending to a chapter. Analyze a bit more. Good work.
Anyone there? Can someone comment, please?