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Your Eyes

by Theva



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23 Reviews


Points: 63
Reviews: 23

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Wed Jan 29, 2020 8:36 pm
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kaceymackwriter says...



I really really like this~! It's so short but clearly describes the emotions that are being evoked. I especially adore the line "The lightning passes from your eyes, just freeze me;" because it just struck me in a way that I can't really describe. This reminded me of someone that I care about very much which I suppose is sort of another message in this poem about how it can feel like you're drowning or otherwise unable to breathe when you care this much about a person. I like that you kept it concise because it helps to drive the message home and I don't really have any critiques or suggestions. Again, I really adored this piece. Thank you for writing it!!

~Mack




Theva says...


Thank you! kaceymackwriter



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23 Reviews


Points: 63
Reviews: 23

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Wed Jan 29, 2020 8:36 pm
kaceymackwriter wrote a review...



I really really like this~! It's so short but clearly describes the emotions that are being evoked. I especially adore the line "The lightning passes from your eyes, just freeze me;" because it just struck me in a way that I can't really describe. This reminded me of someone that I care about very much which I suppose is sort of another message in this poem about how it can feel like you're drowning or otherwise unable to breathe when you care this much about a person. I like that you kept it concise because it helps to drive the message home and I don't really have any critiques or suggestions. Again, I really adored this piece. Thank you for writing it!!

~Mack




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Tue Jan 28, 2020 3:29 am
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tgham99 wrote a review...



Very thoughtful poem that highlights the power of falling in love!!

You've kept the poem very concise, which works to your advantage because a lot of times, less is more.

One thing I wanted to point out is that you have a few verb inconsistencies; specifically, this line:

The ray passes from your eyes just freeze me;


is likely either missing a word or missing an S at the end of "freeze" to make the sentence work grammatically.

The ending of the poem is also very intense; the image of being left breathless by someone you're taken with is very poignant and I think you did a good job of illustrating that.

I personally think that having a bit more detail would work, so we could get a better idea of who exactly our narrator is enamored with. What exactly is so special about their lover?

Aside from that, this is a lovely venture into the world of romantic poetry. Write on!




Theva says...


Thank you! tgham99



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Mon Jan 27, 2020 10:31 pm
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Clairia wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Clairia, here to leave you a review! (Welcome to YWS, by the way! :D)

This is adorable. Falling in love/being in love is such a wonderful feeling, and you capture it so beautifully. <3 I really hope you've based this off of personal experience. Those butterflies in your stomach come across so effortlessly in this piece and it was such a fun little read.
Your imagery is really spectacular. I loved these two lines in particular:

My heart is beating like muffled drums;

and
Our eyes are singing the duet;


They're very vivid and easy to imagine from how you worded them, which I thought was fantastic. The goal of a writer is to help their reader fall into the world they're creating, and you pulled that off quite successfully. Kudos to you on that imagery!

I did have a few things I wanted to discuss in terms of interpretation. I was a bit confused as to what you were trying to say in this line:
The ray passes from your eyes just freeze me;

The wording is a little funky, and I didn't really understand what you were saying. I would assume it was another attempt at conveying emotion/nerves, but the end result was ultimately unclear. I'd suggest going back and perhaps rewording it so your readers can understand a bit better. Or, who knows? It may just be me ;)

This review's a bit short, but I don't see much else to critique. I had a lot of fun analyzing your work!

Thank you for sharing (and keep writing!)

Clairia




Theva says...


Thank you! Clairia



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Mon Jan 27, 2020 9:47 pm
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Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello Theva,
Stellarjay here for a quick review!

1) The only thing you could change, would be to use more descriptive words. Right now there isn't any strong emotions that can be easily read. But remember to keep it balanced, Otherwise it'll be too difficult to read.

But in truth, this was a very well done poem! I liked how it was short and sweet.
Keep on writing!
-Stellarjay




Theva says...


Thank you! Stellarjay




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