Ode To The Night Sky
Oh night oh night I love the way the stars shine when the stars come out
the way they can make things that only you can tell oh night how I love how the animals talk to you when the dogs howl, the birds chirp oh that sound brings joy to my heart.
Oh night I love it how the daytime noise like a runny nose has finally stopped
how you are so soothing, calming, disarming for in the night daytime cries, silence is truly golden oh night you make my heart melt like a grilled cheese on the stove when you come rising in the sky I get a chill I can't wait to lay my head on my pillow.
Oh night only if you could stay but you have to go I wish I could always keep my head down, my eyes close now everything is at peace now I can get a peaceful sleep with the stars in the sky, the moon hanging out with you oh night you bright up my sky I can't wait till you come back tomorrow night,
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
Hello, Sky (I'm just going to call you Sky), I'm Tulip and I'm here to give you a review on your poem.
I am just going to come right out and say that the formatting you have your poem in is something I'm not familiar with, so I'll try to avoid anything about how it's structured!
Okay, I'm splitting this review into separate pieces as I go, so here it goes!
Questions
The first thing that had me confused was this line:
Perhaps you can help to explain what this line means a little bit, since it is a little confusing with how it is structured.
This part of the next section also gives me some trouble. Maybe you can help clarify that?
Suggestions
I have noticed that on a few of the sections the very first letter isn't capitalized and I don't know if it was meant to be like that or not, but I'm just suggesting that you do capitalize that.
I also saw that when you put "night" it was always lower cased. But in the poem, the narrator is talking to it like it's a figure, a person. I'd suggest changing it to 'Night' to help make it seem like it's a being.
You have two sections that have no ending punctuation so I would fix that with a simple period. And then the very last one ends in a comma, so I'd suggest changing that to a different form of punctuation.
Favorites
Omay, I did like the idea that you have here. Night is rather peaceful, and it is probably why I am a night owl. (Besides the fact that I work nights.) The idea of all of the noise of the day slowly fades out, kinda like the tides of the ocean, to the blissful peace of night is what I liked the most. The quietness portrayed within the poem is understandable that it helps her/him sleep better .
But this is all I have time for since I go to school, so I wish you luck in future writings!
~Tulip~
Dia dhuit! (Hello!)
First off, I must say this is a nice idea for a poem - and that's where all good poems start from: a good idea. But there are some "ideas" for you to think about... Now, onward, to the review!
Alright - so in this line you repeat "the stars". Repetition would be fine in this poem, but only if you are consistent with it. (Example: The repetition of Oh night, Oh night). But, I think in this line, "the stars" should be replaced with a pronoun. (Example: "I love the way the stars shine when they come out-")
I just took out a small line in your poem. This, if it were a regular story, is a run on. However, in poems, I believe it is mostly run-ons, or fragments of ideas and such... Though I believe if you separate this entire thing (especially that last 'paragraph'), then it would be a lot easier to read, and flow a whole lot better. (I'm all about sentence flow when it comes to poems, and in general, writing.
But yeah, the most thing I'm concerned about is the lack of stanzas, and clear break. It makes it extremely hard to read, since it's written kind of in "short story format", instead of as poetry.
Other Suggestions:
Whenever you write and post here on YWS, you can just write the title.
Anyway, welcome to YWS! Keep writing!!
~Snazz Pizzazz