(Hey. Just wanted to let you know that this is a very tentative first draft. My big concern is all the gaps it leaves in what the story is going to be about. Granted, this is a prologue, but it's also the opening to the story. Anyways, let me know what you think, whether I should keep it, axe it, or just tear it apart and paper-mache it back together, haha. Also, what do you think of the use of the term agent? Too cliche? Thanks! -Stone)
Prologue: Matthew
“You’re late.”
“I’m sorry. I got caught up at work.”
“I’m sure,” I grumbled at the boy. “Today is your first big assignment.”
“I assumed. It’s an interesting place to meet.”
I glanced around the room, taking in its white-washed walls and worn concrete floor. “This theater has been abandoned for years, so there will be no one to hear them scream. Come.” I beckoned the child with a nod of my head and we ventured to the storage area at the back of the theater. Behind the tarp-covered set pieces and past the shelves of props was a corpse resting at the edge of an open fire.
“We need this guy back, and permanently.” The boy--we called him Agent O--glanced up at me with a look of surprise.
“You mean--”
“I mean he should be just as he was before he died.” I knelt and unzipped the body bag to reveal the man’s paling face. O joined me on the ground and examined his eyes and tongue.
“That shouldn’t be too much of a hassle.”
“No. It shouldn’t.”
I stood back as the boy slipped himself into the center of the fire, sitting cross-legged as the flames grew larger, eating away at his clothing while leaving his flesh remarkably untouched. In minutes, the flames began to recede, as if tamed by his calm, and soon they dissipated entirely.
The smell of burnt cotton grew stronger as he returned to the man at my feet. O spread the man’s lips and blew into them before pressing hard on his chest to start his heart. It was standard CPR, really, if you could somehow ignore the energy vested in the child’s frail frame. In a moment, the man lurched forward, coughing while gasping for air.
“Hey! We got a new guy!” The man laughed in surprise until I struck him on the head. Hard. “Oww. What’s that for, doc?”
“You will not die again, Agent K.” It was an order, and a firm one. “You cannot continue to throw yourself in harm’s way and expect us to bring you back each time.”
Kayne stood and dusted himself off, inspecting his body for damage as if it were a new suit. “Yeah right. You guys helped me out the last five times I died. Just face it doc, you need me.” He flashed me a yellow grin.
“Five?” the boy exclaimed. I shot a sharp glance his way to shut him up.
“You will be responsible with your body, or there will be consequences. Now get out of my sight.”
“Ha. Yeah. See ya later, doc.” With a salute and an impertinent smile, he vanished. I turned to the boy with a sigh.
“You passed. I’ll see you Monday at eight.”
“Yes, Captain.”
---
“I see the boy’s training has progressed nicely.” In that moment the child before me appeared to me as a young Napoleon, peering over her scattered plans with an unsettling sort of confidence--although in order to accomplish this she had opted to stand on a tall, wooden chair.
“Of course, Ms. Maddock. Everything is falling into place as you expected.” A small patch of dark skin at the base of my neck began to burn as she sorted through my memories. After a moment, she was satisfied that I had not lied.
“And tomorrow?” I could feel her presence in my mind like the sharpened end of a sword, eager to slice into me at the slightest misdemeanor.
“I have no reason to suspect that Dubois knows of our intention. I do think that he will be far more agreeable once he realizes who we have in our custody.”
“Yes, well he has been keeping an eye on her for quite some time. Small world, isn’t it?” She giggled, at once filled with a giddy sort of pleasure.
“Yes,” I muttered, not meeting the girl’s gaze.
“Good luck… Dad.”
I stole one last look at her young face and her strong eyes, wild with the promise of power.
“My name is Dr. Friedman.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Wow, Stoney,
Very interesting indeed.
First things first: Way too confusing. I want dialogue tags! I want dialogue tags! Yep, it takes serious mental strain merely to work out who's talking. Wouldn't you rather us focus that attention on your actual story itself? A simple "X said" after each piece of dialogue would make our lives a million times easier (where X is the name of the speaker. Or at least his alias).
The idea of a necromancer working at an intelligence service is very interesting to say the least. It opens your plot up to some very interesting turns of event and I'd really like to see where it goes.
The problem with this piece is that it was confusing and disjointed. I'd take more time to describe the meeting in greater detail, and add in some hints about what the agency does, how precisely the agency works, and what it is about the boy that makes him so gifted. The last is not too essential as that can be dealt with in the continuation of the piece.
Oh, and you have a special talent for melodrama that I don't find effective. Such as a great build up to the reveal of a final statement from Friedman, that does nil but tell us his name. Build up to things that deserve build up please, as that looks far more impressive.
Please try to make the dialogue tags more clear, especially in the section with the girl. I was completely lost there.
I'm going continue to read your story for now as I enjoyed this piece. Hopefully I'll have more input as I continue.
Have a great one!
Back again, for another review. I'm stalking your novel.
I don't think you can really "grumble at" someone. I'd cut the "at the boy".
I was actually surprised to find this was a child speaking. He sounds far too adult, even for someone who's either trying to impress or is older than his years. Is he supposed to sound like this? The whole prologue is a very odd mix of shocked and knowledgeable, if you compare the prose and his dialogue.
Don't try to play with too many synonyms for "went". I'd use "approached" here, personally, because it flows better, and rearrange your sentence accordingly.
I don't think you really have a corpse whose face is "paling", no matter how soon it is after death - and I don't know, but I assumed this was actually a few hours after death rather than a few minutes. I would replace with "pale", although that is a bit bland. Basically, I don't think it should be a continuous action.
I think "tamed by his calm" is awkward here. Try "as if affected by his calm demeanour" instead.
I find that particularly hard to imagine. I'd cut the "coughing while" as the two actions simultaneously seems a bit difficult to comprehend.
Lost as to who's speaking here, for a moment. As we don't get a real glimpse of Dr Friedman's character, it's very difficult to associate him with the dialogue. More on that later.
Again, I was immediately confused as to who was speaking.
I'll address that problem as a whole now, actually. I found this whole situation confusing and it doesn't leave us very many clues, other than Dubois' name right at the end. However, I think it takes away from your story, which is so absorbing as it is, rather than adds to it. You don't confuse us right at the beginning with Chapter 1, so why do that here? I find your actual writing to be more of a hook than this. I was confused as to what exactly the boy was - a necromancer? - and I was lost as to whether he was supposed to be older than he appeared, which you seem to hint at but don't resolve. The little girl's position is interesting, but it comes so randomly and doesn't fit with anything we've seen yet in the rest of the novel that I'd be likely to struggle with keeping her in my mind and reconciling this scene with Chapter 1.
The whole agent system isn't too cliché, but it is very different when compared with the originality of the next few chapters. By your own high standards, this prologue isn't that interesting and though it still makes me want to read on, it's too far away from what I've read so far and from the atmosphere you invoke. That's why I would advise you to cut this, as I don't believe it does anything for your story that you haven't done already. Of course, I speak without knowing the rest of the plot and how important it could become.
I know dialogue tags are clumsy and often difficult to get in, but I think this would benefit from a few more if you decide it's necessary to keep the prologue. I sometimes found myself wondering who was talking and lost as to the character relationships, as well, because there's no immediate sense of superiority coming off Dr Friedman's character when he meets O at the beginning.
Well, that's my penny's worth. To summarise, I don't see the worth of this when compared with what I've read so far, but I have no idea how necessary it is in terms of what you want to write, so I'd tentatively advise a cut. However, you have all the cards here, so it has to come from you.
- Jet.