z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Star Wars Fan-Fic

by ThereseCricket


Author's Note: This is my first time writing fan-fiction so I would appreciate any help really, in basically anything. Also, I tried copying this scene completely down for everything except for the very end, as to make it more dramatic and abrupt. Hope you guys like it!

 .

Can it get any worse? Luke thought, sucking in his breath. He pushed against the restraints that the storm trooper had placed on his wrists, grimacing when the sharp restraints cut into his skin even deeper. This is just what I get for thinking he would come back.

“Perhaps you think the rebellion can win this war,” a deep voice said. “You must realize now that there is no escaping the dark side.”

Luke turned to the figure whose dark form was leaning up against the elevator wall. The red lights flashing on the side cast a glow on the mask of the monster.

“You are mistaken, Father,” he said. “I won’t become something twisted by the Emperor, like you have. I will never become like this monster, which you have created in yourself. I’d rather die!”

“Then you will die,” Darth Vader answered. His gritty voice bounced off the walls and echoed in Luke’s ears. “I cannot change your destiny.”

Luke grimaced and turned away, watching the elevator door slowly slide up. His father motioned him to follow, and Luke stepped out and into the throne room.

His first reaction was to recover from the darkness of it. Like a tomb. It even has that smell of death, he thought, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

As Luke quickly swept over his surroundings a spot of movement caught his eye, and he looked towards the middle of the room. Overlooking the entire room was a chair. It was slowly turning, revealing a withered old man with ancient yellow eyes staring at him.

Like a snake, Luke thought.

He followed his father up the winding stairs, the red lights—that were placed into the steps—flickering off of Darth Vader’s boots and helmet.

“Welcome, young Skywalker,” the old man said. “I have been expecting you.”

Luke gazed at the wizened face of the old man in disbelief. He is the one who controls my father?

The Emperor smiled, and glanced down at Luke’s hands. “You no longer need those,” he said, and motioned with his fingers towards Luke’s restraints.

Luke felt the binders loose, and they fell clattering as they hit the ground. This is the moment where I can destroy him! He thought. He clenched his hands, as if he could feel himself strangling the Emperors neck.

But he did nothing.

Yoda’s words still rang through his head. Anger is the path to the Dark Side. Once you start down it, forever will it dominate your destiny.

The Emperor raised his head slightly, and motioned to the blood-red cloaked guards standing in the back. “Guards, leave us,” he ordered. They turned and disappeared, presumably behind the elevator.

“I’m looking forward to completing your training,” the Emperor said. “In time you will call me Master.”

Luke winced inwardly as the Emperor’s raspy voice hit his ears. “You’re gravely mistaken. You won’t convert me as you did my father.”

How did my father turn to the Dark Side? He wondered.Obi-Wan always spoke about him, as if he was the strongest with the Force...

Luke drew his eyebrows in and watched carefully as the Emperor got up from his throne and pace slowly towards him.

Oh, no, my young Jedi,” he said. “You find that it is you who are mistaken…about a great many things.”

“His lightsaber,” Darth Vader said, handing over Luke’s weapon.

Luke watched as his blade was placed into the Emperor’s hand, a contempt filling him. Just take it! A voice said to him. Kill them both, and you will have destroyed the Sith!

His eyes glassed over, and he shook his head trying to clear it. That’s not why I’m here, he reminded himself.

“Ah, yes,” the Emperor said, taking the weapon. “A Jedi’s weapon. Much like your fathers. By now you must know that your father will never turn away from the Dark Side! So will it be with you.”

Luke nervously wet his lips, fighting against the uneasiness that he was starting to feel in his stomach. Keep him talking, he thought. Han and Leia will have the shield down soon.

You’re wrong,” he answered. “Soon I’ll be dead and you with me.”

The Emperor laughed, his thin lips parting in a threatening sneer. “Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your Rebel fleet.”

Luke looked up sharply. How does he know about them? He stared hungrily at the lightsaber that lay next to the Emperor’s hand. Just reach for it, the voice said, goading him on. Once they are dead, you can rule the Empire… Luke blinked, and clenched his hands tight.

I can fight against the Emperor, he thought. But not against my father.

Then fight the Emperor, the voice whispered. And you can rule alongside your father.

Luke swallowed, his pupils dilating to almost pinpoints. Keep them distracted from what is actually happening. That’s why I’m here. To distract them, and turn my father back.

Yes,” the Emperor continued. “I assure you, we are quite safe from your friends here.”

Luke could feel his father’s hot stare boring into him now. That horrible black mask, which the strained breathing sound came from, only now served as a protection from the prying eyes of the public. Only Luke could now sense something inside of him. Something good.

But he knew his father was now just trying to gauge his reaction to the Emperor’s taunts. Just talk, he told himself. Don’t get angry.

He took a deep breath, and then let all the air out. “Your overconfidence is your weakness.”

“Your faith in your friends is yours,” the Emperor replied sharply, turning around.

“It is pointless to resist, my son,” Darth Vader said.

The Emperor paced slowly back to his chair and sat down. His voice—instead of the soft luring purr that he had been using—was now heated and angry. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.”

He indicated the moon Endor with his finger. “Your friends up there on the Sanctuary Moon…

Luke jerked, as if stunned and stared at the Emperor.

The Emperor smiled, and continued. “They are walking straight into a trap. As is your Rebel fleet. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them.”

Just take your weapon! The voice screamed in Luke’s head. The Emperor is unarmed. You could take them both on. Yoda could do it. Why not you?

Luke could feel tightness welling up in his chest as he glanced at his lightsaber. It was so close and yet so far away, lying next to the Emperor’s hand.

The Emperor leaned forward and smiled, his thin lips parting to show black holes. “Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.”

He leaned back in his chair and nodded towards the window. “Come, boy. See for yourself.”

Looking behind the Emperor’s chair, Luke could see the flashes and explosions of the space battle far off in the distance. I should be there. His thoughts began swirling throughout in his mind, taking shape and form. Thoughts of fear and anger.

The Emperor smiled, his eyes gleaming with victory. “From here you will witness the final destruction of the Alliance, and the end of your insignificant Rebellion.”

Luke looked away from the window, turning off all thoughts towards his friends at Endor, and focused on the shape of his lightsaber lying next to the Emperor arm. The Emperor saw the focus of his eyes, and smiled, his lips parting to reveal a few jagged teeth.

“You want this, don’t you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon! Use it. I am unarmed.”

As the Emperor spoke Luke grew aware that the Emperor wasn’t just talking to him, like a father, but as one who was close to achieving his goal.

“Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant, “the Emperor said, savagely spitting out the words.

“No,” Luke muttered, trying to drive force and power into his voice, but the Emperor had control now, and Luke’s eyes glazed over.

“It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now mine!”

Give in to what he says, Luke! The voice said. Leia would do the exact same thing. She would know that this is the only way to defeat the Sith.

Luke shook his head, his hand—the one good one—was feeling clammy and cold, and he turned back to watch, with horrified eyes, the Rebel ships exploding far off in space. One turned and smashed into the deflector shield of the Death Star.

“As you can see, my young apprentice, you have failed. Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.”

The Emperor slightly turned his head, and spoke into a comlink on his chair. “Fire at will, Commander.”

Luke, in horror, turned and saw a bolt of greenish white light shoot out from the Death Star and engulf one of the Rebel’s ships. One after the other, the Rebel fleet was being decimated in blinding explosions of light and debris.

But no sound could be heard within the Throne Room. No matter how hard Luke strained his ears, he could not catch the slightest sound of battle, except the endless whirring of machines, and his father’s raspy breath.

“Your fleet has lost,” the Emperor said softly. “And your friends on the Endor moon will not survive. There is no escape, my young apprentice. The Alliance will die… as will your friends.”

The last word he leveled at Luke with absolute contempt in his voice and eyes, watching him carefully to gauge his reaction.

Luke’s eyes were full of steaming rage. He is just toying with me, he thought angrily.

“Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon! Strike me down with all your hatred, and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete.”

In a fit of blind rage, Luke reached for his lightsaber and the weapon flew to land firmly in his hand. Igniting it in an instant, he swung at the Emperor’s head, not doubting his mark.

A flash of red light shone off to Luke’s side, and Darth Vader’s light saber flashed in front of Luke’s, blocking his blow before it reached the Emperor.

Slashing back and forth, Luke dueled with the one person he had sworn to not fight. Darth Vader, the evil tyrant that had ruled alongside the Emperor.

Feeling the power that came from using the Dark Side, flowing through his veins and through his arms, Luke pushed his father, until he forced him to lose his balance, and topple down the stairs, ending with a clash on the bottom.

Body poised to attack, Luke stood at the top of the stairs, reveling in his victory against his father.

The Emperor, his laughter floating in Luke’s ears said, “Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy! Let the hate flow through you!”

I’m using the Dark Side. That isn’t what Yoda taught, Luke thought, his brow crinkling in confusion.

Yoda wasn’t always right, either, the other voice reminded. You could save the entire universe from the Empire, and rule in their place!

Yes, that is true. Luke turned and stared down at his father starting to stand up, his step uncertain and awkward.

He looked down at thegreen lightsaber in his hand, watching it flicker back and forth, reflecting off the shiny metal floor.

A great calm stole over him, and his eyes hardened. His thumb brushed the cool handle of his sword, and turned off the glowing blade. He tossed it aside, watching carefully as his father ascended the steps to meet him.

When his father was a few steps away, Luke felt a yell of pure animal rage coming up, forcing through his chest and out of him. With the scream bouncing off the walls and echoing in his ears, he reached out with the Force, lifting his lightsaber from the ground—he ignited it—and threw it straight at his father.

The green blade slashed across his chest, opening huge rips and tears. The smell of burning flesh reached Luke’s nostrils, as Darth Vader collapsed on the ground, his weapon tumbling from his fingers, and falling with a small clink next to his body.

Luke turned to the Emperor, and the lightsaber flew back into his hand

 

 


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Mon Apr 04, 2016 2:54 pm
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ChieTheWriter says...



WWWRRRIIITTTEEE MMMOOORRREEE!!!!!!!!!!! III WWAAANNNAAA FFFIINNNDD OOOUUUTT WWWHHHAATTT HHHAAPPPEEENNNSSS!!!!!!



PS: I even though I already know because I've seen the movie six million times.






Shhhh, I want you to remain forever curious. :P





NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!



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Tue Aug 05, 2014 5:00 pm
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Cithara wrote a review...



I AM NOW FINALLY HERE.
*waits for chocolate*
Okay, I am so so so so sorry for not reviewing this earlier. You always review my works when I ask, and I've been terrible to not do the same.
I love Star Wars! I haven't seen all the movies shame on me but I always love reading fan fics about it. Enough of me ranting.

Nitpicks!

He pushed against the restraints that the storm trooper had placed on his wrists, grimacing when the sharp restraints cut into his skin even deeper.


Redundancy Alert! I would first off break this into two sentences.
He grimaced when the sharp (harness, strap, etc.) cut into his skin even deeper.

His gritty voice bounced off the walls and echoed in Luke’s ears.

I don't think a gritty voice will bounce off the walls. The verb just doesn't fit here.

Luke grimaced and turned away

Is that all that Luke does with his pretty boy face? XD Either SHOW how he grimaces or use a different word. Repetition has been spotted ;)

He followed his father up the winding stairs, the red lights—that were placed into the steps—flickering off of Darth Vader’s boots and helmet.

I wasn't a big fan of the way you worded this sentence. It could be:
He followed his father up the winding stairs, the red lights in the steps flickering off of Darth Vader's boots and helmet. Yeah it's kind of long, but avoid using hyphens because the sentences read weird to me >.<

“Your friends up there on the Sanctuary Moon…

Quotation mark after the ellipsis.

Luke jerked, as if stunned and stared at the Emperor.

I would add a comma after "stunned"

Luke could see the flashes and explosions of the space battle far off in the distance.

I don't think you meant for that part to be italicized XD

His thoughts began swirling throughout in his mind, taking shape and form.

I don't like how "throughout" is used here. Perhaps "began to swirl in his mind" or something like that

Luke turned to the Emperor, and the lightsaber flew back into his hand

The last sentence didn't have a period -_- (psst, you might wanna place one there)

Plot
THIS WAS SO FLIPPING AMAZING. You killed his father >.< I love that, I do. (pfft, now we don't need the rest of the movies)
I think you did a great job sticking to the idea, but still claiming it as your own.
I didn't go through every nitpick, because a lot of other people already mentioned some of the things I would've said Traunt and her redundancy detector
I would just work on the nitpicks, also SHOW us how someone smiles or grimaces, rather than tell us. You showed us maybe once, but I think adding more description, like what Luke looks like, could help, too. :)
keep writing!






*Jaw drops* THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! You're the best little sister EVER. *winks* I'll work on all that stuff! :D



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:56 pm
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IamTraunt wrote a review...



Therese... I am IamTraunt... And I am your reviewer!
... Mwhahahahahahaha.

Okay, so I'm here to review like I said I would. I am catching you up

Nitpicks!

He pushed against the restraints that the storm trooper had placed on his wrists, grimacing when the sharp restraints cut into his skin even deeper.

A little redundancy, my young padawan! I suggest putting 'the sharp metal cut' instead.

As Luke quickly swept over his surroundings, a spot of movement caught his eye, and he looked towards the middle of the room.

I think, I repeat, I think you need a comma after 'surroundings'.

How did my father turn to the Dark Side? He wondered.Obi-Wan always spoke about him, as if he was the strongest with the Force...

You need a space between the full stop and 'Obi-Wan'.

Luke drew his eyebrows in and watched carefully as the Emperor got up from his throne and pace slowly towards him.

You accidentally change tenses. You need to put 'paced'.

Oh, no, my young Jedi,” he said. “You find that it is you who are mistaken…about a great many things.”

You missed out a speech mark.

Yes,” the Emperor continued. “I assure you, we are quite safe from your friends here.”

And again.

Luke could feel his father’s hot stare boring into him now. That horrible black mask, which the strained breathing sound came from, only now served as a protection from the prying eyes of the public. Only Luke could now sense something inside of him. Something good.
But he knew his father was now just trying to gauge his reaction to the Emperor’s taunts.

Yet again, my padawan, I sense redundancy.

He indicated the moon Endor with his finger. “Your friends up there on the Sanctuary Moon…

Speech marks are needed on the end.

"Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant, “the Emperor said, savagely spitting out the words.

Your speech mark on the end is the wrong way round.

Story!

No... Luke... No! Luuukkke.... Whhyyyy?
This really broke my heart. G'agh - this changes the whole plot of the story, without Luke, how will good prevail over evil!? I can see it - yes - directed by Therese Cricket: The Prodigal Son is Evil (Hee hee, the title). Woah. Therese you completely blew my mind (well, what's left of it). You stuck to the original story line and then BOOM! You spun it around and did an epic job of it. I absolutely loved - and I mean loved - it oh, so much!
Star Wars is so amazing. I wanna watch it now *goes off to watch*.
Great job, Therese! Yoda would be proud.






OUCH, I had redundancy! b-but... I never have redundancy! :P lol, thank youuuuu Traunt!!

Yeah, I've always wanted to destroy Luke... loads of fun! :D



IamTraunt says...


Therese, that's what I'm here for. To help you ;) hee hee hee.
Well, there is a first time for everything! Overcome it, my padawan, you will succeed...!
Haha. You've always wanted to? XD
Are you a big Star Wars fan?





ugh, not actually a BIG fan. Just like watching them every now and then. Star Wars 6 I've always liked though! So I wrote a fan-fic for it! :D You a big fan?



IamTraunt says...


I haven't watched them in aaagggeeessss. I'd like to though. So I wouldn't really call myself a big fan ;)
My favourite is... Hm... Well, all of the ones with Han Solo in them xD I always seem to like side characters :D





lol dat would numbers 4, 5, and 6! Did you know that there's a number 7 coming out?! Soooo excited!



IamTraunt says...


Yes! I did! I want to see it sooooo bad!
I missed out on seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness - I'm not missing out on this!
4, 5 and 6 are amazing... Heh *grins madly*



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Thu Jul 24, 2014 5:14 pm
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puppys3117 wrote a review...



My random brother made up something about when Luke finds out Darth Vader is his dad:

Luke... I am your mother - I MEAN FATHER


XD

Great job with this. I'm surprised I even came to read it - I hate Star Wars! But, this kept me thinking, "No, Luke, be a good boy... BE A GOOD BOY LUKEY... you might die .-."

Yea... Ok anyways, awesome cliff-hanger at the end. When it was over I was like, "KILL THE EMPEROR! HE IS A SPAZZY NOOOOOOOB! >;D" That's my evil side >:3

Keep going with the series, and I will be back to review again, young friend :D
Carry on!
~puppys3117~






Thank youuuu :D



puppys3117 says...


No problemmmm (mocking you >:3)



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Thu Jul 24, 2014 2:21 pm
ThereseCricket says...



Hey, umm, I was having problems in the editing part of it, and the work kept going into italics. So if there's anything besides thought process in italics, then its because of that. Thank youuuuu guys




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 1:30 am
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yubbies21 says...



Wow. This is seriously good. I never thought about what would happen if Luke had gone to the Dark Side....He killed Darth Vader! He killed his father! Haha, I can't believe this! This story had me on the edge of my seat the whole way! :)






Thank youuu



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:36 pm
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lostthought says...



*quietly comments*

Lightsabers are made with heat, so blood would not flow since the wound would be burnt.






oohh I just fixed it! Look good?



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:21 pm
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Nica says...



Hey sis! I'm gonna give you a really short review!

Great job on twisting the Star Wars plot. :) I seriously thought, "What!?!?! Seriously?! Luke is not allowed to turn evil." But he did... So yeah, good job on stringing us along. :)

Anyways, down to business... *gives evil criminal mastermind chuckle* hehehehe...

Nitpick Number One:

Can it get any worse? Luke thought, sucking in his breath. He pushed against the restraints that the storm trooper’s had placed on his wrists, grimacing when the sharp restraints cut into his skin even deeper. This is just what I get for thinking he would come back.


This is a great beginning. I think it brought Luke down to our level more. In the movie, he seemed more like the perfect hero who never did anything wrong. Here he actually was someone who got annoyed at something and maybe even whined a little. :D However, there is something that needs to be fixed. 'Stormtrooper's' is written out as possessive. The context of the sentence implies that it's plural, though. Fix it, darling, and the paragraph will be perfect. :)

Done nitpicking cuz I've got laundry to fold but I'll take the Pen of Shame to it soon! :)

~Nica






Thank youuuu sister dear.



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:19 pm
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Nica wrote a review...



Hey sis! I'm gonna give you a really short review!

Great job on twisting the Star Wars plot. :) I seriously thought, "What!?!?! Seriously?! Luke is not allowed to turn evil." But he did... So yeah, good job on stringing us along. :)

Anyways, down to business... *gives evil criminal mastermind chuckle* hehehehe...

Nitpick Number One:

Can it get any worse? Luke thought, sucking in his breath. He pushed against the restraints that the storm trooper’s had placed on his wrists, grimacing when the sharp restraints cut into his skin even deeper. This is just what I get for thinking he would come back.


This is a great beginning. I think it brought Luke down to our level more. In the movie, he seemed more like the perfect hero who never did anything wrong. Here he actually was someone who got annoyed at something and maybe even whined a little. :D However, there is something that needs to be fixed. 'Stormtrooper's' is written out as possessive. The context of the sentence implies that it's plural, though. Fix it, darling, and the paragraph will be perfect. :)

Done nitpicking cuz I've got laundry to fold but I'll take the Pen of Shame to it soon! :)

~Nica




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Wed Jul 23, 2014 8:56 pm
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Silverdragon150 wrote a review...



Hey! I'm a long-time Star Wars fan and I'm glad I decided to read this. It has a good concept- What if Luke acted differently in the final battle? I am very intrigued to see where you might go from here with this. With an interesting plot and continuing the intense thoughts that Luke has, you could really indulge the reader into the character as he grows following a different path than the one we already know.

Now, I'm not exactly a long winded reviewer, but one thing I did notice that was a little awkward was near the end where the lightsaber was thrown at Darth Vader. The use of hyphens breaks the flow a little, perhaps just for me, but you could probably take them out or reword it a bit to get the same point across and not break the flow at all of the tense scene.

I am looking forward to see how you could work with the change that you have caused. Please continue this! It could blossom into your own creation very easily from changing this one scene, and now you have a world at your fingertips to grow and shape. I would like to read more of this, and good work so far. Keep writing!






Thank you so much for the review! Will work on everything you have suggested!



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 4:58 pm
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birk wrote a review...



Hello there, young padawan!

Alright, time for some fanfiction. Not too often I'll indulge in that, but for Star Wars, there's little I wouldn't do. In fact, reading through this, I actually surprised myself a bit as to how much I love SW, seeing as the scene immidiately played in my head. I'll try my best to keep the Star Wars puns to a minimum.

Well, in short, I really liked this. It was written very well, doesn't have too many grammatical errors and it was quite easy to read through. The content is of course very interesting, which makes it all the more enjoyable to read.

Obviously though, you didn't add much to this. The majority of the piece is pretty much a play-by-play of the scene as it happens in the film. The only tweak was pretty much the small part towards the end, which I'll admit, I did find quite disappointing. Not that the tweak itself was disappointing, it's quite a large twist which would change the entire story around. I'm just saying it was a bit of a letdown to see the twist happen all the way towards the end and then ending abruptly there.

Then again, maybe you'll continue this fanfic at some point. I would love to read that. Not only would it have stuff I don't already know by heart, but it would also bring about a rather cool storyline to check out.

Now, I'm not going to leave out one of the biggest parts of originality you wrote into this piece. Luke's thought process! Within the film, we obviously don't have access to Luke's thoughts and feelings as all this is happening, but within the written medium that's exactly what we have. How did I think it fared? I thought it was pretty solid. This definately feels like the Luke I know and love, and his thoughts as the scene progresses are pretty much what I would assume. Not that all of it is spotless, but I'll get around to that.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

Edit

He pushed against the restraints that the stormtrooper had placed on his wrists,
One word, and changed it from plural to singular. Unless, of course, there were several stormtroopers handcuffing him. Though that seems unlikely.

“Perhaps you think The Rebellion can win this war,”

You do this several other times throughout the work, and though it doesn't technically have to be wrong, I'd still uncapitalize 'the rebellion' whenever it pops up.

The red lights flashing on the side, cast a glow on the mask of the monster.
What I noticed most of all as I read through this, was that you have some issues with your commas. In several places they are not necessary. I won't bring up every one of them, but I'll use a few examples. This is one. The comma in this sentence is unnecessary.

Edit
“You are mistaken, Father,”

Since you use 'father' here, instead of his name, it is a proper noun. Therefore, capitalize it.

Edit
His father motioned him to follow him,

I'd drop the second one. Especially since it's only the two of them there.

Like a snake, Luke thought.

Nice, I always thought so too. ;)

He wondered.Obi-Wan always spoke about him,

The ocd, nitpicky side of me needs you to know that there is a space missing between these two lines.

Edit
Emperor got up from his throne and paced slowly towards him.


Suggestion
Just take it! A voice urged him. Kill them both, and you will have destroyed the Sith!
In some places you can easily replace 'said' with something else. I'll often try to mix it up.

Once they are dead, you can rule the Empire… Luke blinked, and clenched his hands tight.
Ooh. This is pretty neat. O.o

Edit
That horrible black mask, which the strained breathing sound came from,
Small edit.

But Luke could sense something inside of him.

Both this line and the next one, you open with 'but'. Though opening with conjunctions are more spread these days, I just always try to avoid them. I feel they stand out.

“It is pointless to resist, my son,” Darth Vader said.

Seeing as you can add some of your own elements here, this part could have been cooler. Whenever I watched this scene, I always thought it sounded as if he was admitting that he isn't who he is because of his own free will and that he is a broken man.

Something along the lines of; "It is pointless to resist, my son." Darth Vader said, his voice broken, disheveled and filled with sadness. This is just a hasty example, there are lots of things you could do.

Edit
and focused on the shape of his lightsaber lying next to the Emperor arm.
One word. You've been writing it correctly until now, and after this you also misspell it a couple of times.

Edit
Luke, in horror, turned and saw a bolt of greenish, white light shoot out from the Death Star and engulf one of the Rebel’s ships.
This is another example of comma usage. I added two and removed one.

Yoda wasn’t always right, either, the other voice reminded. You could save the entire universe from the Empire, and rule in their place!
I do think his thoughts here are a bit too conflicting. He obviously needs to be conflicted here, but within the same thought he is remembering the good of Yoda's teachings, and yet, he has thoughts of totally accepting the dark side and ruling the galaxy.

With the scream bouncing off the walls and echoing in his ears, he reached out with the Force, lifting his light saber from the ground—he ignited it—and threw it straight at his father.
A bit unnecessary to have him toss the lightsaber aside here if he is going to use it just a moment later. And wait, if he was going to toss it at him, why would he wait until he was that close? Range isn't an issue. He could just slash him at this point.

Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on.

I really liked this piece. It was written fairly well, with very few grammatical errors or issues. I guess my main problem would be that lack of new stuff. Thing only get interesting towards the end here.

Hopefully though, this is something you might continue at some point. With Luke embracing the dark side and possibly taking up rulership, as well as the unknown outcome of his friends fight, this could have a lot of cool opportunities.

I'm hoping to see more of this, young padawan.

Keep it up, Therese!



Cheers
Birkhoff






Hey, thanks for the review my master! ( that sounds weird calling you master...)



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 3:03 am
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Nica says...



Great job, sis! Love how you twisted the story up so Luke turns evil. :) I'll have to review this tomorrow :)






waits horrified



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Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:49 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work and help throw it out of the Green Room, Therese. The title and description of this caught my eye so I decided to review it. Did you know that there are actually Star Wars books that have been published?! Anyways I certainly hope this helps you!

“You are mistaken, Father,” he said. “I will not become something twisted by the Emperor, like you have. This monster that you have created in yourself, called Darth Vader, I will never become like.
I don't think you need to capitalize father. I also think the wording in the last sentence could be improved. If you flipped it around it would sound much better! :)

I really like how you reveal Luke's thoughts to us, something that you can't really get out of the movie. That is a really good addition to this. It makes it so much better! Good job!

I am very surprised by the ending. Is this the end of the story? If it is I am kind of bummed out. Not hat this wasn't well written, but still I wish the ending would have been different. I mean Luke still could have killed his father and the emperor without going over to the dark side couldn't he?

I was a little confused by the last sentence though I think that the emperor took back Luke's light saber. Your pronoun didn't exactly have a clear antecedent.

Now here is what how I would have written this. You don't have to make these changes or anything but I just thought I would give you my opinion. I would have had Luke not steal his light saber back or something like that, but then somehow escape, or have Luke convince his father to rejoin the Jedi's. I don't into exactly.

In closing I would like to say that it would be cool if you were to try writing more Star Wars fanfics since I really enjoyed reading this one. You could do a whole series of them. Of course that is if you were interested. Anyways I really liked this. I don't think there were a whole lot of errors, though I was so engrossed in this I hardly noticed. Happy writing!!! :D






Thanks for the review!

Why I had Luke turn to the Dark Side, was because this is fan-fic and I wanted to do something that no one had really considered before. Again thanks!





Nitpick taken into consideration and fixed! Thank youuuu



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Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:22 pm
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BluesClues says...



Noooooooooo! Luke, you idiot! The Dark Side DOES NOT HAVE COOKIES.

(In other news, is it sad that I read all of DV's dialogue in James Earl Jones' voice? Because I totally did.)

Also, are you going any further with this? Because Luke just did totally the wrong thing and you CANNOT END THIS YEAR, YOUNG LADY, OR SO HELP ME YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH.

Love,
Mommy Dearest




Corncob says...


LISTEN TO MOMMY! CONTINUE THIS!





OUCH. What did I just start?! :P



BluesClues says...


*evil mother laughter in the distance*




The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket