z

Young Writers Society


12+

Shade Users-Chapter 2 (2/2)

by Shadowolf765


Chapter 2

A single group of wolves ran silently behind one of the clusters of men, jumping onto their backs, twisting in midair and using the entire force of their momentum to use the suits as spring boards. The power in each wolf enough to know down each fully suited man, allowing them time to escape without even being seen. Of course my wolves had rearranged themselves accordingly, as there were four wolves per group now, to match the number of the people in these squads.

“Ma’am, we ask that you allow the child to leave and you will be treated with no ill will.” The group to my left shifted as they spoke. The man who had spoken was the one who stood at the front, no surprise there. I gave a wicked grin, one hidden behind my mask. The other two wolves gave a small smile, not entirely knowing what their leader was up to, as these ones had been left out. Simply for the reason of doubt. I needed doubt there to convince others, nothing fools people better than genuine emotion. Grabbing Todd by the back of his shirt. I whisper into his ear.

“Time for you to shine, boy.” Being as gentle as I could without making it look weak, I could feel the protest of his muscles as he moved his arm. Even for a boy as young as he was, he trained with us to a certain extent, no one got out of training unless you were dead or dying. “What guarantee do I have of this, if I give over the only thing keeping you from attacking me?” I spoke loudly. Taking my time to look at every single one of the dark helmets that watched me. Every one of those helmets were turned in my direction, except the ones who had just been knocked over of course, they were looking around, confused and fretting.

They were silent, and that silence told stories. More than anything they could have said. They were here to capture us and place us in jail, or kill us should we resist. Of course, true to the situation, one by one, they pulled out semi-automatic machine guns, enlarged for the simple sake of matching the large suit. My lip twitches and rose, revealing only the very bottom of her teeth, too bad they couldn’t see it the cruel smile with the mask in the way. With only a low growl, all the men in suits went down.

Thirty four wolves rushed into the warehouse, not even a fifth of the amount waiting outside. No need to show our true size or strength against unknown adversaries, two wolves per suit seemed to work for those precious moments. Soon even I was joining, showing in quick bursts, the weak spots and area they could hit without fear of injury. Of course this only lasted about ten minutes, but the suited men were backed towards the middle of the warehouse - circled around Todd who had sat down on the floor.

The circle they had formed around Todd proved to be crude but it did not matter to them as they began firing. A harsh spark went through my body as a wolf somewhere to my left grunted and fell to the ground - he was injured but would live. While I knew his life was not in danger, anger began to lap at the edge of my mind and I called in another twenty of my wolves. The smell of fear was intoxicating as it wafted off the men. The question of what purpose these suited men here had flitted across my mind, it was obvious they were not the hardened soldiers we had watched dispatch gang after gang in the other cities. A message coded in emotion spread like quick fire, caution, it reached every single wolf in seconds, and the whole atmosphere seemed to change.

They began attacking these so called Ellies in groups, no longer alone, hiding behind concrete and other barriers while they shot at us. I could feel how easy it was becoming to take the Ellies out. A kick to the knee to bring them down in preparation for a single sweep of a blade. Severing the spin from the brain, sometimes, the whole head before disappearing. This happened successfully at least six times, that left about ten left, the ten who happened to be the most fearful. Eight more wolves were shot in the time it took to bring down another seven of them, leaving three suited men to form a triangle around Todd.

Why weren’t they running? Why did it seem that these people were just distracting us, I scurried out of the building as quickly as I could and climbed the closest building. On the roof of that building was a group of wolves, I spoke to them quickly, and they were off like shots. Hopefully their scouting didn’t bring anything back, please let it just be that these people were stupid. Twenty minutes later and all her wolves were celebrating and tending to the fifteen wounded, out of all of them, only one was going to die, that alone showed how unskilled these people had been. Only I sat on the roof of the building, watching the gleeful scene play out with grim thoughts.

Only three of the four scouts had come back, one of the three carried between the two others. There was a true wave of Ellies coming, they were in better suits and had better aim - and with that better aim, came deadly accuracy. That left only a few choices, and none of them were likeable. The only information they came back with was that the dead scout had used a vial and tried to attack them, having watched how easily the ones here had gone down down; he had thought that he could take the two coming this way. What that scout had failed to realize, was that those two had four more that they had been on the way to meeting. The moment he changed they had shot him with a simple twitch of their finger.

I didn’t dare let the Ellies know about the warehouse, or try and use Todd again, they would shoot him no doubt, and these people were more than likely the true soulless soldiers we had watched cut down the gangs that had come at them back in the cities. Leaping off the roof I began a slow looping run, grateful for the extra cover of the night that had descended upon the small town. I would need every trick and miracle to pull off what I was planning. For the moment, the only thoughts running through my head were of protecting the only family I had left.


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802 Reviews


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Sun Jan 25, 2015 10:23 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hellow Shadowolf! That's a clever username, by the way, I like how you merged the two words. Anyway, I haven't read the previous chapter so I might be unsure on some things. For that reason I'll just be looking for nitpicks in grammar and flow. :)

A single group of wolves ran silently behind a group, jumped onto their backs, twisted in midair and used the entire force of using the suits as spring boards to knock them down, allowing them time to escape without even being seen.
This sentence is very big. I suggest you chop it up into two or three to make the scene flow easier.

“Ma’am we ask that you allow the child to leave and you will be treated with no ill will.”
You forgot a comma after Ma'am.

They were here to capture use and place us in jail, or kill us should we resist.
You wrote 'use' instead of 'us'.

The question of what the purpose of these things here flitted across my mind, it was obvious they were not the hardened soldiers we had watched dispatch gang after gang in the other cities.
Look at the first part of the sentence. It doesn't make sense. I think it should 'were' instead of 'here'.

Those are all the nitpicks I found. It was actually a very exciting chapter, even though I had no idea what was happening, having not read the other parts. :) Nice job.




Shadowolf765 says...


Thanks for the review and the compliment ^^. Hopefully you will want to read the beginning of this then and stick around for the ride...as long as it stays good. Writers block, I swear, is worse than an art block. Changed what you suggested and working on editing ch.3 as we speak :D



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Fri Jan 23, 2015 3:12 pm
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Sorry, it has been taking me so long to get to these. I've been rather busy lately, and can't really seem to find the drive to review as much! Hopefully, I will be more prompt in the future.

When doing my first read through that I like to do before starting on a review, I noticed that there are a lot of grammatical errors. Not exactly grammatical mistakes per se, but little things. This is rather unlike you, really. Honestly, from what I've seen of your work, I know you don't often make grammatical mistakes. So, I was a little surprised to see so many. I will point out a couple as an example. :D

“Ma’am we ask that you allow the child


Not a big deal, but you missed a comma after Ma'am.

their leader was up too,


to*

. I needed that doubt there to convince others,


Unnecessary word there. Take it out, and the words flow much smoother.

“Time for you to shine boy.”


Comma after shine.

My lip twitches and rose, revealing only the very bottom of her teeth, too bad they couldn’t see her them with the mask in the way.


Wait, what is going on here, again? Are you talking about the MC or the Leader? The first part of the sentence tells me that you are talking about the MC, but then the rest tells an entirely different story. Make sure you don't get your POV or characters mixed up while writing an action scene. An action scene especially. With an action scene, you don't really have that much time to think, as you are too busy thinking about what is taking place. A slower scene gives you more time to think, and that also means a reader is going to catch on to your mistake sooner. Which isn't good in the slightest.

Go through the actions of each individual character, and make sure that each one corresponds with the other. Don't mix the actions of two characters, or else the reader will just get confused. Very important. You do not want a confused reader. Hope that makes sense. ^^

Soon even I was joining, showing in quick bursts, the weak spots and area they could hit without fear of injury. Of course this only lasted about ten minutes, but soon


Here, you can see that I put those two words in red. I did that to show that you you have a small case of redundancy. Normally, when writing a work, you try to avoid using the same words within the same paragraph, and sometimes... you avoid using the same words in the spacing of three or four paragraphs.

The best way to get rid of redundancy, is to just read it aloud to yourself. Once you read it aloud, the redundant words stick out and you'll be able to correct them. After a while of picking out redundancy, then it will just gradually stop.

Of course this only lasted about ten minutes, but soon the suits were backed towards the middle of the warehouse, circled around Todd, he had sat down like a good boy and stayed.


Whoaaah, what happened here? The part that I put in blue is what I'm concerned about. You have an entire sentence, where you are talking about how they go around the warehouse to circle around Todd, and then BAM! you start talking about how he sat down like a good boy and stayed. Seeing as you made it one sentence, it is rather confusing when reading them together. Why it is like that, is because they are two separate ideas. You can only have one idea per sentence, one idea per paragraph, ect..., Just run through your sentences and make sure that they are all one solid, and complete idea.

What I liked best about this, was that you left us with a bit of a cliffhanger. What kind of trick is he going to be using to pull off all of this? And how is he going to do it? The one thing that I have noticed that you do well, is that you always do good chapter endings. Granted, I've only reviewed a few of your chapters, but from what I've seen... you did excellent at ending them. Nice work with this chapter.

The most prominent thing that needs to be worked on with your writing, is your sentence structure. Sentence structure, and keeping one idea within one sentence. Not two ideas, but just one idea per sentence. It will keep your writing clear and precise, and it also help develop your writing style!

Anyways, hope this review helps you out! If you have any questions, then feel free to ask me. ^^

Keep writing!

~Cricket




Shadowolf765 says...


Thanks for the review! (crappy internet at school just erased my reply...) So, I changed what you have suggested and I realized that POV did indeed seem to be an issue, as it wasn't edited to first person...I need to start paying attention more XD. I have realized the amount of work I need to do to make this better as it seems I'm simply not paying attention close enough or reading out loud like i use to do. Will get right on an edited version of this to replace it!




"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare